I could no longer see her sunshine smile...
Her voice shivered from the chill of her words.
The message on her face was no lie,
My soul now rides in a long black hurst.
As my face numbs to become ice,
My heart is bleeding through my eyes...
As her scent escapes from my presence,
I know I have picked a thorn-layered rose.
I ascend into pain so intense,
My heart is left sitting at my toes.
Torture strikes my coroding chest-
I stand on the summit of stress...
My sofisticated manurisms,
No longer harness stabillity...
Emotions fade to anurisms,
I retain no personallity.
The immortallity of stars,
Is shadowed by internal scars.
Author notes
This is a style of poem I've been writing lately...
Not sure what to call it yet...
Any ideas are appreciated....
Stanzas follow rhyme scheme... A
B
A
B
C
C
And syllables are always... 10
10
9
9
8
8
Stanza number does not stay in ordinance....but I tend to lay out three of them....
Anyway, hope you all like the sad poem above, and I wish you all the best of luck with writing and with life....
Peace and Love,
Lost
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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beautiful
that was just beautiful.. it was very well written, i liked it. ^.^
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interesting poem. i like it. my only criticism is that the word manurisms (very different from mannerisms) probably means some behaviour involving horse manure.
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hurst-hearse
coroding-corroding
manurisms-mannerisms
I stand on the summit of stress...
I think stress is not strong enough a word to describe what you're going through, especially if you're bleeding from your eyes..
I think your style was very good. The drama was a little over the top, but I still liked it,
Peace,
Jin
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you put alot of feeling into this. i really like it becuase i know i've felt this way before and im sure others have too. i can relate and i love that you seem to write straight from your heart. good write.
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anyone cold feel this way. thats why this is a good poem and plus you put so much feeling into it.
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Feels a bit like a breakup, but also like the start. Perhaps in its short, convulted existance, it encompases the entire relationship? At least that is what I am getting from it, with its wonderful imagery and metaphors, at least showing me a painful bond.
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Very powerful imagery, so sad.
All in all I think you did a great job of penning this poem. Thanx for sharing it!
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This starts to lead the reader but has no end or true beginning. It has a good use of words and I would love to know if you add to this. Good Write all in all
~Broken Angel -
this was a very great poem. Keep up the great work.
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Interesting - couple of spelling errors that distracted me, but interesting scheme. Some nice imagery
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Wonderful new style
It is a pleasure to get to see the creativity of a new style. Your poem was quite sad, and the words tug at one's heart. A gem to have had the honor to read.
. Rewarded 4
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Very interesting rhyme scheme choice. The poem was stunning. I found it just such a pleasure to read! Well done.
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Sad yet beautiful.
Really this was close to putting a tear to my eye it was so wrought with emotion. You captured the meaning and feeling perfectly. The word usage was also brilliant. Very, very nice job.
. Rewarded 4
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I didn't mean to click on this twice. I apologize.
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Wow! Is all I can say to this one. This was beautiful in all its glory. This piece just shines bright. Best wishes to you and thank you for sharing. Keep that pen handy dear poet. ~Midnight Lace
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Good poem with powerful emotion and great flow, as well.
This piece made me think of love and how when people are hurt the feeling of heart break can be so powerful that they may feel emotionally scarred and may have a hard time trying to love again. Just my take on the poem. Keep writing.
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