So we meet again:
You, still working out how to get
in from between two window panes.
And me, still frozen in mild panic
Having heard the tiny chainsaw sibilation
That is a war declared.
You, perfectly aware of how easily pierced
My tender anthropoid skin may be.
And me, now scrambling to find something
Heavy and hard enough to crush your
Adamantine constitution.
Why won't you DIE?!
Author notes
Large comment: tear me apart, please.
A contest entry
- The Wasp in the Window by chugglepuff.
575 points, ended September 28, 2007, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Lol, oh how true. Some great words in there - I love "adamantine constitution." I have two small things to say: First, the ending seemed a bit abrupt and a little out of tune with the rest of the piece. Maybe it's just me...? Probably so lol. Secondly, and much more trivially, I encourage you to go into Word or whatever typing program you use to write your poetry and turn off the function that automatically capitalizes the first letter of each line. Then, you can consciously think about whether or not each word should be capitalized; you can be purposeful about it. Sometimes it's distracting to capitalize the beginning lines for no other reason than that they are a new line...the line that really jarred me with this was "That is a war declared." But again, this could just be my own weird opinions lol. I did enjoy the read, made me laugh if nothing else! Congrats on the trophy!
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First off, thanks very much for entering and following the rules!
The main thing is that the ending didn’t live up to the rest of your words, I felt it trivialised what was actually a very good poem.
To me, parts of this felt quite symbolic, maybe of an argument in a relationship. I don’t get the impression that this was your intention, though. Were you simply describing a wasp or was there some deeper message? Because I think this definitely has potential for saying something a little more meaningful if you were just describing the wasp, and if there was another meaning, I think you could have gone further with it. Maybe consider what you want to say with your poem a bit more before you write it? Although I don’t blame you if you don’t, most of my pieces only get any kind of direction about half way through…
I’m in two minds about the repetition. Keeping the stanza length the same for the “you” and “me” parts was great. In a way I feel the repetition of fairly unimportant words draws attention to parts that aren’t the focus of your poem, but then I think it also heightens the feeling of tension and war.
You’ve got a wonderful vocabulary that you put to good use, and there’s some super imagery here. I especially enjoyed “chainsaw sibilation” and “Adamantine constitution.” The layout and background is excellent, too, it certainly reminds me of a wasp’s stripes.
Keep up the great work!
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