A young heart still untainted
By desires not quite pure
Felt a wrestling inside
Filled with questions left unsure
His slow and steady manner
Ate through years of innocence.
She knew what he wanted then,
And it made her stomach tense.
He let her think she wasn't
His type, not his kind of girl.
The jealousy inside her
Let him enter in her world.
A woman she would appear,
Someone he couldn't resist.
She wouldn't be seen a child
And for sure, not in his midst.
His years were twice that of hers.
To them both it was a game.
Certain lines she would not cross,
But those she did left her shame.
What kills her naive heart most
Is falling into his hands.
All the walls she had built up
Came crumbling down like sand.
It's obvious she's hurting.
He probably doesn't know.
She chose to walk on a road
That left her nowhere to go.
For months, she will remember
Every moment of her past,
How one man could destroy
The standards she'd set so fast.
What was for her protection
Shattered within his blue eyes
Reminding her, temptation
Comes in a clever disguise.
Author notes
i'm working on flow and rhyme. Please tell me whatcha think.
A contest entry
- Prewrite me! ~~ One day only ~~ 500 points to Gold, will be judged tomorrow. by Naridill.
625 points, ended September 28, 2007, 145 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - AllPoetry Extravaganza--3 Month Gold and Silver Membership by Violet Moodswing.
1500 points, ended November 28, 2007, 67 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Leave any suggestions. They are always considered!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
This is an excellent take on the prompt. Very few of us have escaped the trap of temptation when we surrender our virginity. I think the rhythm is fine it seems to flow nicely to me...Ithica
-
Wow... Absolutely wonderful! I loved the rhythm and rhyme of this. And I also love how it tells a story of the evils of temptation. Wonderful.
Keep up the good work, and good luck in your contest
-
Wow... Absolutely wonderful! I loved the rhythm and rhyme of this. And I also love how it tells a story of the evils of temptation. Wonderful.
Keep up the good work, and good luck in your contest
-
wow, I don't really know what to say except that this poem has to be one of my new favorites!! great job on this piece and good luck!!
-
The ending was strong, I feel you should have captivated more around the first few styles in the stanzas. Beautifully done though.
Much luck
-
The flow is slightly bumpy still. It works well though as this is not a smooth journey that you described. I liked the progression and the way you portrayed the girl having lost herself in these eyes that tempted her. I would go and write the whole game from his side too though. Just for fun ...
Good luck in the contest. -
Amen! That was heaven!
Flow was fabulous Good Good Job! Wonderful imagery
combined with thoughtful wisdom, loved the last stanza..
comes in a clever disguise, we've all learned a lesson
or two about that it's an "ouchey" one too!
Wonderful poem, real fav.
ears2hearyou
Kathleen
-
I think you rhyme very well, It is hard to find poets who can manage it without it sounding forced.
Great poetry here good luck in the contest
delila
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
