There's a monster in my closest
It only comes out at night
Always in a contsant to give me a fright
This monster isn't so scary
As it lurks through the night
She's just trying to find a way out
Into the true light
She's been searching so long
A mistress once of the night
She didn't know what she was doing
Or whether it was wrong or right
She lurked in the shadows every single night
Trying to find the person she once was,
Before she became this Frankenstein site.
She sees a her childhood pass by
With an abusive Dad
She sees all of the friends,
That she could have had.
She waves to her cousin
Such beautiful blond hair
This monster cries
To see her die and know...
... Osama lives on...
This monster creeps in the night
Remembering all of the past
Can't go back in time
Not knowing why things couldn't last?
This monster isn't a monster
She is only a forsaken soul
Searching for herself
But not knowing...
...She's an immortal soul...
Author notes
I was insiped by a monster, and went off on a type of paranormal brach of a human. I hope you enjoyed reading this. I don't know if you'll like it. Anyway, here it is. The cousin that is mentioned is actually my cousin. Her name was Vanessa Kolpak. She was involed in 9-11. May she rest in peace. If you seem confused, or lost, let me know. It's also been done in 3rd person/point of view.
A contest entry
- Monsters in my Closet by zillion.
300 points, ended October 4, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Very interesting, it was good!
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Interesting write. I liked the read. ~I had to read it twice for it to sink in a bit more tho
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Very very good poem my dear. Also a very sad and deep one. The ending was very powerful...great job!
Keep writing and God Bless
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Very complicated, in the best sense. A lot to go on and take in. Brutal scenes.
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"This monster isn't a monster
She is only a forsaken soul
Searching for herself
But not knowing...
...She's an immortal soul..."
I love that.
I got a little "huh?" through this but I liked it over all. It's good that you're writing more often
I'm sorry about your cousin, 
I think this started off a little rocky but improved through out so it's still great 
Keep it up,
Bandaid.
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Thank you for the read, this gave me a chill. I like the observer's point of view. Reminds me of Rod Serling on the Twilight Zone. My only suggest is the 3rd line seems a little awkward, IMO
Good stuff and best wishes in the comp.
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Hmm... I'm torn.
Overall, I like the content, but I'm gonna have to be mean here.
First off, I know you end the poem with an extra line, but the way you open with three lines, then morph into four still bugs the hell out of me.
The punctuation... is very strange. I was almost getting used to having way too many periods where they didn't belong, when suddenly there were commas and it just didn't work.
The rhyme is okay, but a little primitive.
Of course there's that first line that caught my eye that I already mentioned, and then...
"She lurked in the sahdows every single night,
Trying to find the person she once was;
Before she became this Frankinstien."
1) "Sahdows" needs to become "Shadows."
2) "Trying to find the person she once was;" does not need a semi-colon (spelling? Haha) it needs a comma. Perhaps you should have the first line of the stanza end with a semi-colon, the second with a comma, and the third with a period.
3) "Frankinstien" is not right. I'm not sure what it's supposed to be, "Frankenstein" perhaps, but surely not what you have.
"She sees a childhood pass by her" is hard to understand. Try "She sees a childhood pass her by."
(Also, end that first line with a hyphen/dash/thing and then go from there).
"To see her die and know...
Knowing Osama lives on..."
This is also awkward. "Know" and "knowing" following each other is odd. Having the five lines is rather infuriating, though I will say I like the "This monster cries" line.
I love the last five lines though. I like the simplicity and the possibilities.
Overall I'd give you a 4 out of 10, but with some grammatical and spelling errors fixed it would be at least a 6.
ily.
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Spell check is your friend. Either the site's (though it doesn't work the best) or one located in MS Word (which I adore).
Also-- this has a plethora of unneeded punctuation and capitalization.
Good luck in the contest.
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thank you for the critical comment. I needed that. Thank you.
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