Little words
Walking past my lips
Ants
Carrying angst
Poets pretty pictures
Shading in uncertainties
Love by numbers
We follow the rules
Sex
Is silence
Filled with
Monotone melodies
Creatures
We discover
Under face
Of a lover
Back door
Poisonous concrete
Dirty
Moonlight moment
Creeping
Malice tongues
bitten
Too young.
Shattered tear drops
Plastic prisms
White pupil eyes
Tell black lies
Honesty
Lost cause
Fallout
Everyone stares
Endings
Are nothing.
criticism, please....
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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This poems needs "meat" some sort of substance to hold it together. At reading it, it just seems like random words flung onto the page. One must read and re read to grasp it and then it is still missing substance. I am not fond of the capital letters beginning each line either but then that is personal preference and the writer should decide if it works for them. I hope this helps and best of luck...keep writing.
Becky
. Rewarded 8
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This poem had a very desolate feel to it. It was very palpable in the descriptions you used here and the minmizations in your lines.
It flowed like true thoughts when you are in the middle of great grief. They jump from one to another, and everything triggers something, but it is all with pessimism and negativity.
I think I like this poem more greatly because I can so easily relate to it right now, today especially, for a lot of reasons.
This was a very honest work, and an honor to read. Thank you so much for sharing it.
. Rewarded 8
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Awesome poem! I felt at first that this piece was a bit shattered, but I read it through a number of times and I really appreciate it now.
I believe your second stanza made the poem, created the mood that flowed to the ending.
. Rewarded 4
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great but
very well painted images.
did not like "malice tongues" think you should make malice an adjective
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I agree with Goose, it's beautiful in its entirety...but its missing substance!
Very well done on the imagery tho!
♥ Dani -
uhm....
Weem in my stand point, I don't really know what it is talking about. It doesn't really speak to me, as if there was no heart behind it at all. Not that there wasn't emotion, but there really isn't anything much about it. It seems as though there are many common words on a page, not really describing anything or putting them together.
I did like the imagary, it's got a lot behind it. But tis' like it's missing substance. -
I absolutely love the image of ants carrying angst. Wonderful write, awesome ending (even thought they're nothing).
♥
whisper
. Rewarded 4
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