Friday Night Odyssey
It’s that time of day again,
the beer’s arrived,
Dave Brubeck is playing in the background.
We’ve gathered here,
communal,
on my cousin’s porch.
Everyone welcome, calm chaos
like that of the river beside us.
My ears saw you first.
I’d know that Dobro anywhere.
Open E, played with a Budweiser neck and
Dave’s keys mix metaphors in my head.
It’s that time of evening again,
the beer is gone,
Brubeck is muted,
the party goers stumble off
to wherever party goers go
when the music stops
and the beer is gone.
We’re still panting, you and I,
half naked and tangled up
in sleeping bags on
my cousin’s couch.
The question comes up,
the one that always ruins
being drunk and half naked
in someone else’s house:
“Now what?” you ask.
I laugh and light a cigarette,
“Now, shut up and sleep.”
It’s that time of morning again.
Sunshine threatens my vision,
marbles warble inside my head,
and I am searching for my pants.
Wherever do pants go
when the music stops
and the beer is gone?
I’m breathless when I find them,
balled up under my cousin’s couch
like so many wasted tissues.
Careful not to wake you,
I creep out,
no more questions, Boy Wonder.
At the sound of my engine,
you stumble to the porch.
I pretend not to notice because
the music stopped, the beer is gone,
and it’s better that we’re alone.
Author notes
It's not new, but has been revised.
A contest entry
- The Bar Scene (Adult) by Danna Hobart.
300 points, ended September 25, 2007, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Did You Win a Trophy? by Nam.
1750 points, ended October 18, 2007, 41 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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"the beer is gong," - I believe that "gong" would be "gone".
"on someone else’s couch:" - I feel the repetition of "couch" in such a short proximity of each other is too much, I would suggest rewriting "couch" to "furniture" in this line. I also feel that it works better. The first use of "couch" works, but, I think in the way you've written up to this line, to describe the situation etc., that "furniture" would be better.
Some parts of this reminds me of certain situations in my early 20s, that are long over, and most-likely will not happen in my 30s but it's nice to reflect, and this poem has given me that, and that's something in itself.
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Fixed "gong". I like the repetitions, but think you're right about "couch". I didn't like furniture, so changed it to "in someone else's house" instead.
Thanks for pointing out the spelling error. Good lookin' out.
My early 20's are long over as well, and so (thankfully) is the behavior. Damn good times though.
Nice gremlin, btw.
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this is great, loved how you told the story, for this is great. your words even if they repeat are what makes this piece so perfect.
Riftkin -
What a great write!
I love the repeated lines they just seem to draw it all together and like Danna I think that wasted tissues line is a killer. Your imagery is superb and if you ever do a follow up I'd love to read it.
Excellent
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Oh, god, I forgot how much I love this one. The line about the wasdted tissues is my favorite. This is why you are one of my favorite poets of all time.
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