Blood pours out my veins
I will not break down and cry again.
theres no need to explain
I know you'll say shes only a friend
This pain is real, its taken over.
You were just the same as him
I hope in time you can love her
Because my ending is turning grim.
Never thought wed be torn apart.
Never thought it'd come to this.
I thought you said I had your heart.
The you I thought I knew, I'll always miss.
You brought out the best in me.
Held me up when I was falling down.
Now my wrists are red and bloody.
In my tears I start to drown.
I've been the cause of all the fights
But its the only time we'd talk
Im left to myself again in the night
Im left speechless because of the shock
the heart you tore into peices
keep it as a souvenir
It cant be fixed with simple stiches
Into the night I'll disappear.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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sorry...that kinda didn't make sense....i meant it really brings the READER into what you're feeling. my mistake.
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Dont worry about it, I understood what you ment. =]
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i like the emotion in this poem. it keeps the reader captivated. i like the part where you say, "i know you'll say she's only a friend". it really brings you into what you're feeling. Good job!
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I really like this line: "The you I thought I knew, I'll always miss". You really put a lot of emotion into the words, and have a nice rhyming structure. Nice job.
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I agree that it is more telling the reader and less showing the reader. You could easily heighten the emotion with a rewrite or edit... Also the rhyme is clunky in several places, but the only thing that can fix that is practice... good luck
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Hmm,its not a bad poem, but if it was to be painful then i think it needs to me more descriptive and i also think i've felt that same way. And i love it. Good job.!
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It's not a bad poem, but doesn't bring out the pain, sorrow and confusion I think you are going through. I feel like it's more like a statement and surface description of what you are going through. Does that make sense? If that is all you were going for, then bravo! If you were trying to entice more emotions from the reader, I think it could use work. Thank you for sharing!
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