as the lanterns extinguish
light seeps into crevices,
the undifferentiated hollows
that form life and heat and perception
you kiss me
I drink in the moon’s full glow
I am an effigy
your eyes sculpt and sculpt
hands reshaping me into an echo
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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How sad; loved the use of words. I could just see her being toyed with by the mind of someone who wanted someone else, who would turn down the light so that he could turn up his imagination.
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Well... even though I am soooo not a fan of this kind of short free verse... I have to say you won me over with your unique word choice and the beautiful, dark imagery.... I was somewhere else as I read this. Lovely job.
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Oh, one last thing. I'm not sure what the title has to do with the rest of the piece? Specifically, I'm unclear what the 'three beats' part has to do with it. It seems a bit heavy for such a short pice. It would also work as "Past Midnight"
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Gripping piece! I really enjoyed it!
There were a couple of things that snagged me though:
In the first line, something about the word extinguish… it doesn’t seem to fit, for some reason. It also seems an odd choice, as extinguish is a transitive verb, meaning that it requires both a subject and an object. Ie: I extinguish a lantern. (‘I’ the subject, ‘extinguish’ verb, ‘the lantern’ the object of the verb.) as opposed to say… ‘sleep’, which is intransitive. (I can sleep, but I can’t ‘sleep’ something.)
The word ‘undifferentiated’ seems a bit forced to me, like… ‘what’s the opposite of differentiated?’. It reminds me of ‘doublespeak’ from ‘1984’, where thinks are ‘double-plus-good’ in an attempt to simplify language by reducing the number of words, and adding prefixes and suffixes to change the meaning. Alternatively, I might suggest: Indistinct, obscured, murky.. etc. (ironically, indistinct has the same prefix-y quality, but for some reason feels like a more complete word to me. Just my $.02)
I love the second stanza.
“you kiss me
I drink in the moon’s full glow”
And I also really like the last stanza, with the exception of the repetition of the word sculpt. I would suggest changing the second instance of the word to a synonym to keep the meaning, but add a bit more depth to the piece. In short poems (which are my preference) I am always careful to ensure that I haven’t repeated a word unless I’ve done so VERY deliberately, and with a specific purpose in mind. I’m not sure if that was your intention here. If the repetition is intentional, I might also suggest adding a line break:
“your eyes sculpt
and sculpt”
to make the repetition appear more deliberate, and to add a dramatic pause after the first instance of the word.
The last line is also brilliant.
Great piece. Really wonderful.
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Thanks for such a thorough comment. You're totally right about 'extinguish' - laziness on my part & I like the sound of it.
I fully defend the repetition of 'sculpt' - if it had been random and 5 lines down, that would be different, but I meant to extend that particular action. I don't like a line break there, it doesn't look right to me.
I also agree about 'undifferentiated' but I still haven't found the right word to replace it. I like the weight of the syllables, it works with the rhythm, in my mind.
Again, thanks for taking the time to read this closely. Your feedback is greatly appreciated. I'll stop by your page & return the favor.
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Loved It
You kiss me
I drink in the moon's full glow
I loved this, the kiss of night brings a thirst that can only be quenched by the moon's glow
Well that was my take on it anyway -
I liked it
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wow. this is very well worded. It's very poetic and you really left me in awe. I especially loved the middle stanza, those two lines in the moon's full glow. Very good!
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I love that last stanza.
I want to be an echo that never ends.
Beautiful, really.
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I'm not sure what to say about this except: beautiful. Simply beautiful. thank you for sharing this with us.
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macro universe micro reflected
grains of dust
all of them containing another
defying dimension
to form
with eclectic shaped patience
until multiplied into difference
fuel for reason
and all
united by disjunction
of fusion spaced ad infinitum
where time is not
and place doesn't exist
there
I have found home
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