My pain smells like cigarettes and leather,
with a bit of Sunday morning wake-up callings.
My pain, with its taste of burning rocks,
gives shape to a dream twisted in the palm of a hand...
And as I dream with leather eyes,
twisting between trembling lips
my Sunday cigarettes,
I fall on my knees between the rocks,
remembering the smell,
replaying the taste,
waking up over and over again,
at the calling of a burning shape,
Oh,morning silhouette!
called Pain...
Author notes
addicted to Pain...
option#8
"Bags of Oranges Don't Leave Bruises" !
A contest entry
- INVITE ONLY!!! #2 by PerfectImperfection.
750 points, ended October 22, 2007, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - (*~(~*~(~*~(~*~(~*~(PRE-WRITES OK!!!!....SOMETHING SAD...MAKE ME CRY!....NOTHING GROSS.. NO CUTTING OR MUTILATION POEMS! CAN BE LOVE,SADNESS,LONELY,DEATH,DEATH OF A PET ETC~*~)~*~)~*~)~*~)~*)~*~()~* by xxlisajazminexx.
425 points, ended October 4, 2007, 28 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Inspire me xXx show me your FEELINGS xXx TOUCH ME! by xblakxrosexremainsx.
420 points, ended October 24, 2007, 46 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your BEST........ by islekine.
600 points, ended January 4, 2008, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - i JUST WANT Y0UR BEST! by DAMSELx.
600 points, ended January 23, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - What's Your Addiction by Haunted Doll.
825 points, ended January 30, 2008, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - what makes you hurt by XxemohatexX.
360 points, ended June 27, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Words Were Bullets And I Was Target Practice by EvenStarsBreak--x.
450 points, ended August 11, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 61 of 61
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this is great
i really love this poem now i see how you won a contest.
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i presume you have dealt with several powerful drug addictions in your life...me too
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Very haunting, nicely written =] I enjoyed reading it. It was quite intense and interesting. Congrats on your trophies. Thanks for the entry.
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yah im a smoker too dont tell im underage but that is a good poem keep up the good work
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love it! haunting, mysterious..perfect.
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Interestingly done; very original and nice personification.
Best of luck to you! -
Great work!
Well written and interesting. I wish you well and God Bless. Lisa
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The redundancy take away from the piece. I can't help but feeling you wanted to say something else.
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can you be more specific
I would like to hear your honest critique as I'm not always expecting to have my works being praised all the time
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e.g. I think instead of saying leather eyes, you could say something that gives your eyes some characteristic of leather instead of just saying leather. How are they leathery, why? y'know.
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hmmm...those words must not be taken ad literam
...I mean, "eyes" are a substitute for "him-the person" and "leather" is a descriptive element which gives a sort of individuality to the character( who btw loves to wear leather jackets )
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Wow, this is intense, and the repetition of descriptive terms ties it cohesively together, and also underscores how pain takes control obsessively in an endless cycle. Bravo.
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i really liked this especially this part
My pain smells like cigarettes and leather,
with a bit of Sunday morning wake-up callings.
My pain, with its taste of burning rocks,
gives shape to a dream twisted in the palm of a hand...
u gave pain a smell & taste.
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wow, this is a very distict and powerful piece. The imagery is so vivid and the words really draw you in deep. I love this!
xxx
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Wow - so graphic in a poetic way. You make the pain the enemy, who is your best friend. Powerful and rich.
Wolfie
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I love the imagery of this write , I loved the write its self in all...
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I love your opening line "my pain smells like ciggerettes and leather."
You give pain a taste, a smell, and a form. Excellent writing, especially in the first 4 lines
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Thanks for entering!
Nice penning!
Write on!
*PEACE*
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Damn.. Amazing, really all I have to say on this... it was such an amazing piece.
Congrats on al the awards.. you truly deserve them!!!!
GREAT POEM!!
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i love it!!
i think this is really amazing. i like the first line it like opens it all up. i like the picture too. :] good luck and keep writing!!
best of luck...
~Tangible~
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omg i love this. such great imagery and use of the senses. amazing.
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Wow
Oh man I totally love the smell of ciggarettes and leather! Hell, I'd love to wake up to that smell all the time lmao. Great poem here, wonderful use of imagery and emotion. Great Job and nice pic! Would have given you more clappies but only had one left =)
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wow that was awesome!
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Well done! I loved the imagery in this. Good luck in the contests and congrats on the trophies you've been awarded so far for this!
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good write
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this is wonderful. I like the subtle ryme at the end and the person below me is right, you do deserve all of yuor awards
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Wow!!
Well done! Congrats on all our awards, you deserve them! Great job -
A very interesting piece that you have penned here along with the imagery. So very intersting. I know I keep saying, but non the less, I mean it. Phenominal.
x3
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Amazing!!! thats all I really have to say. Thanks for entering this I think you have a great chance with this contest. Good Luck!!!
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You've portrayed some interesting imagery here. I like it, it is a great piece. Best of luck to you in the contest
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This is pretty good. I like how you didn't jsut say the same things over and over again... I also like how you didn't just say directly what was going on. it's very nice. congrats on your wins and good luck in the other contests. Thanks for entering mine. Keep up your amazing work.
Crimson -
Great job with this one! I really like what you have done here! Thanks so much for the entery and good luck!
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Very nice poem - wonderful flow and read to it - look forwards to more
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Since the recent smoking ban, we're not allowed to comment on poems like this. Sorry.
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this is really funny!anyway,no problemo!thanx for leting me know!
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Thanks for your entry and good luck!
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Wonderful
Very well done. Congratulations on your several honorable mentions
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There's nothing for me to say here - you did a fantastic job. I'll simply applaud in silence...
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awesome piece you got here ^^ a short yet describable write. amazing, indeed :]
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love it.
finalists k
♥Soldier -
thank you for entering my contest... I really liked your poem... I would give a better critique but I'm really not in the mood for sad break-up poems right now.. I'm going through one at the moment. again thank you so much for entering
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This really grabbed my attention. So skillfully written.
Thank you and good luck
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Wow. Every other line made me hurt, and the other every other lines were bitter-sweet. May your pain be a muse, and yet fade into a bearable state. My pain is throbbing even now...
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Great write, kept simple which makes a refreshing change to read. All the best in the contest!
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Something about this poem just gets to me.. its amazing.. You potray such excellent details and imagination and I find myself gripped by your poems...
gives shape to a dream twisted in the palm of a hand
Nicely written...
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to this man
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this was great...short and simple but you got your point out...thankk you so much for entering and i wish you the best luck in the contest
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Awesome!
This showed so much Pain and encountered feelings, I loved it, it was GREAT!
This part stucked into me:
"waking up over and over again,
at the calling of a burning shape,
Oh,morning silhouette!
called Pain..."
This is an awesome piece of art. It's amazing. Thanks for entering the contest. I wish you lots of LUCK -
This is a very creative piece, it holds great imagery. Good luck!
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wow this was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!
s going in my final list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
loved it and the way it was worded was very clever and creative i have to say.............
a true masterpiece...........
i know exactly what it feels like too...
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thank you so much for entering this wonderful beautiful poem into my contest..........
much much love........
and thank you again!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -
The beginning is marvelous. it starts off with those 3 words. "cigarettes and leather" it gives a mood and tone right away with those words. It gives the poem a "down to earth" feeling compared to a fantasy land or an emotion that can't be described. It is great because you make it seem like this can happen to anyone. Really great poem. I think the ending is a little weak though. It seems like you were going for a shocking realization or something like that at the end. It like a word or two more for describing it right before the end could help. I could be wrong of course. You could have left it that way for a reason. It could be to let the mind wander and find its own reason to be in pain other then getting too specific. I do like the shape/silhouette wording at the end. the 2 sentences and how they are related by those two words are great. Great Job!
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thank you for the comment!you got the exact idea about the end...in the end
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yet again, wow! i've never run across someone as good as you, you really need to get published! i'd buy all your books!
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You are going thru some really deep pain my friend.I am reading your work and see a longing for acceptance as the person you are and not the one they want you to be.The things that you are going thru are burning inside your heart and scorching your soul.Your words let out a deep cry that no one seems to hear.I can relate to this for I am going thru similar feelings.
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Wow, umm. Your poem conveys me emotion but I can't find meaning in that they seem alien to me. The images evoke feeling without knowledge. If I make any sense at all! haha. This poem seems very powerful indeed as I read over it. There is a fragility behind a rougher exterior.
It expresses itself very vividly.
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hmmmm...the one I loved so much(yet didn't loved me back) used to smell like ciggarettes,leather and ....well...something else so special yet still unidentified...the sundays were the only days he didn't have to go to work in the morning...hmmmm...i know now...he smelled like happiness....well,there's no use evoiding the end by remembering the begining,right?
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Such a very sad and expressive piece of the abstract in sullen beauty. Great use of imagery throughout! Thank you so much for your entry!
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this is really pretty... very good imagry i love the end it awesome
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i really like this one...it is very emotional.....very nice write....
keep writing
keep smiling
keep the peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Wow...
I am stunned. I really liked this...The emotion was almost material, as if I could touch it. As if I was the girl smoking her Sunday cigarettes! My favorite part was the last one...
"I fall on my knees between the rocks,
remembering the smell,
replaying the taste,
waking up over and over again,
at the calling of a burning shape,
Oh,morning silhouette!
called Pain..."
Fantastic ending of such a sad piece! It makes me want to give you loads of hugs ,until you feel better!
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This is beautifully penned! You have painted an image that progressively grows with the poem. The metaphor is wonderful. Thanks for posting this I wish you could write more frequently.
Love,
Amera♥
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