Left to die in a taunting desert--
I lie awake, while
Blistered whispers hang on desperation
Dreams of silvery beads that splatter
Sun-baked cries of anguish, consumed
Merciless barrage of wind-whipped
Tumbleweeds to vex my soul, forsaken
Rolling tears trickle within illusionary
Seas of liquid salvation, lost, unforgiven
Knelt down upon blazing sands in revolt
Torrent of screaming winds, shredding--
What scarcely remains
Forgotten prayers, rolling off seared tongue
Driven to die in this godforsaken wasteland
Paradise, outstretched hands lie in confusion
Knee-deep in drought, tearing gullet in peril
Bequeath forgotten dreams, lapful of vultures
Author notes
I can't imagine the utter anguish one would endure with no means of survival, left to die slowly, succumbing to the unforgiving elements. It would be just a matter of time, left to die. Evian anyone?
Word Prompt: DROUGHT
Wallpaper photo credit: www.funportal.com
A contest entry
- Anything goes!! Lots of options!!!!! by lilblueeyesmine1978.
425 points, ended September 27, 2007, 50 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I'm bored by NoUseForAName.
300 points, ended September 23, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Drought!--ONE MORE ENTRY PLEASE! by micol.
550 points, ended September 23, 2007, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite me! ~~ One day only ~~ 500 points to Gold, will be judged tomorrow. by Naridill.
625 points, ended September 28, 2007, 145 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Good luck!! by Repetitious Chaos.
1750 points, ended September 26, 2007, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - newbie... by Anonymous Shadow.
303 points, ended October 1, 2007, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please feel free to let me know what you think.
Comments
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This is a very dark piece, without using horror devices of gore, shock or regular dark terror. The terror in this piece lies in the situation and the way it is presented to the reader.
Good write.
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Thank you.
I really enoyed writing this one. I had been wanting to write about being stranded in the desert for some time, and then just happened to see a contest with the prompt "drought." It went from there.
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Congratulation On the Gold Impressive write
You have such a beautiful way with words, I really enjoy your style. This write was deep, sad and dark as it told a painful tale of death. You blew me away with these lines especially that last line;
"Forgotten prayers, rolling off seared tongue
Driven to die in this godforsaken wasteland
Paradise, outstretched hands lie in confusion
Knee-deep in drought, tearing gullet in peril
Bequeath forgotten dreams, lapful of vultures "
LISA
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Thank you so much.
I really loved writing this one. I was getting so used to writing short haiku poems in three lines that I had to force myself at first to write something longer. I wrote another scary one about a week later that I want to share with you.
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My Dear Poet..
It's as if I was locked in a cage...
able to see miles of nothing in every direction..
Damned by the truth that freedom
is so much more than being freed...
Damned by my own cries of impassioned anguish.
This is incredible.
~May the ink in your pen flow freely~
Chaos
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Wow! What an ending "Bequeath forgotten dreams, lapful of vultures." A truely intriguing piece with beautiful word play.
Much Luck
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This is a lovely piece. There are a few exemplary uses of assonance and alliteration here, especially the former. Your imagery was superb, and for the most part the lack thereof of punctuation (although I'm not a fan of, worked well here). Your word choice was complimentary to the poem as opposed to being an impasse to the art, all and all this is a solid piece. One line caught my tongue a bit:
Rolling tears trickle within illusionary
Seas of liquid salvation, lost
This verbiage, although well thought out and creative is a tough transition between the lines and the choice of words, namely between illusionary seas, the way the line was broken, or the words are said tripped me up. Well done besides that slight confusion which very well could be my mistake, on my desert poem you mentioned you had been working on this, I'm glad you finally finished it. Well done. -
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Thanks again, Deindichter.
Now that you mention, this line does roll off my tongue a little.
Rolling tears trickle within illusionary
It could be that "rolling" is not the word I'm looking for, particularly since I already use "trickling." I think that it might sound off to me, because I'm using 'ing' in two words so close together, so it could be throwing my rhythm off. Also, I may put "sea" back to where it originally was, next to "illusionary." I can always extend the line about liquid salvation.
I was writing this for over a month, off and on. I had "a lapful of vultures" and "illusionary dreams of liquid salvation" flowing through my brain for the longest time, so they just sat alone in my journal in between writing tons of haiku. I want to re-write the last stanza some, where I bring up the vultures. It seems a little off to me. I like to use a lot of adjectives, but sometimes I think that I might abuse them, so I want to try to concentrate on finding stronger nouns and verbs, so that my free verse doesn't seem like it's crammed. I'm glad that I can just learn as I go.
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Nice patterns of interlinked sounds and images, moving the reader through the poem. Sharp, vivid, effective.
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Thank you very much, micol.
I really enjoyed writing this one. It was a nice change of pace from writing nature poetry.
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A very disturbing write. I love the stark imagery you have created with your words. I would not want to imagine what one might endure. You have captured that anguish very well I believe. Good luck in the contest,
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Thank you.
It's funny, because I drink a ton of water every day, so I really wanted to write what I would be feeling, taunted by the desert. I put so much dramatic imagery into this poem. It was a nice change of pace from writing haiku, as much as I love to write them.
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Bravo
Man what a discriptive write. I was in the desert.Keep writing. -
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Thank you, Jesse.
It's so different from my nature poetry. I like going in new directions with my writing; not being afraid to learn something new. I can't help but envision myself in this dying man's body, as he falls to his knees, with nothing left to fight for. I am so glad that you enjoyed it.
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I know the feeling about the kids thing. My 5 year old girl informed me this morning that my butt is too big. She did this of course in public. We were in Wal-mart and she announced to her Papaw (who works at Wal-mart) that everytime I go to sit in the car the whole car moves. Children are wonderful aren't they. My husband told me a good story about yeaterday while I was at work. He decided he was going to try to catch a nap before he went to work 3rd shift. Well all was going well until he got up to go potty and my mean kids had tied a shoestring from our bedroom door to the kitchen door so that he was literally trapped in the room. He said he heard them laughing outside the door. It is funny now but I bet it was not too funny then.
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Really a tremendous poem and just a delight to read for its intensity and depth. Best of luck in the contest with this fabulous poem.
D.D.M.
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Thanks again.
I'm so proud of this poem. It's my favorite free verse poem I've written so far. I'm really thrilled to watch my poetry evolve.
Don
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Good
I can feel you succumbing to the merciless elements... very good imaginery, but, Knight, it would be much better with less adjectives. You crammed every sentence so full, it spoils the text and the feeling of despair. No hard feelings, but I feel it si too much, less is more.
Good luck!
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I understand, Sydney.
I did remove one adjective that I had used to describe 'drought', and put in a verb. The beauty of being able to edit my work is nice, because some of my re-writes have been months down the road, but I've been able to go back, and improve other pieces. I will probably stretch this out some, and put it more verbs to balance it out more. I want the despair to leave the reader almost literally feeling the anguish.
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Good
I can feel you succumbing to the merciless elements... very good imaginary, but, Knight, it would be much better with less adjectives. You crammed every sentence so full, it spoils the text and the feeling of despair. No hard feelings, but I feel it is too much, less is more.
Good luck! -
I really like this you have done a really nice job with this piece.Thank you for sharing and goodluck to you in the contest.Best Wishes
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Thank you, C.J.
This is my favorite free verse poem I've written. I put much more imagery into it than any of my other poems, so that I could convey the complete breakdown of mind and body from being stranded in the desert.
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Heck yeah pass me the Evian. This just made me thirsty. Thanks for sharing. Good luck in the contest. I like the way this is writeen. Flows well. It makes you wonder what someone like this would be thinking as he died and how in the hades he ended up in this situation. Thanks again and good luck.
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