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Touched (Edited)

I'll be with the pill bottles, the scalpels, the nooses
if you ever want to find me; I'll be looking at my
rain-rippled reflection in the glass, a ghost of me,
thinking back to when prescriptions dissolved in dirty dishwater
and the only red stains belonged to kool-aid.

It's raining outside. There's something about it,
like a dead man's bony fingers on his coffin lid, that
slips through me, like a knife through butter

(switch me to better stitches,
arrange the inept alignment of my aptitude,
hurry the hushed hurt until it oozes like a sca

For a heartbeat- one that stays trapped in
my atoms, wiggling like an electric eel- I am young,
copperburst eyes and strawberry lips hinting,
"Ring around the rosies, pocketful of posies,
ashes, ashes, we all fall down"

We all fall down- like the rain on the
other side of the glass, like the shovel of a
man digging his grave. I would lie in it, but
the trees outside would shake their heads in pity,
their beads sodden with tears,
they know how this will end.

(I'll be with the pill bottles, the scalpels, the nooses,
and every bad kool-aid stain that
will never wash away, only fade to pink
after a year has come and gone)

Author notes

A poem done for my creative writing class- any help on how I can improve this is so helpful, thank ya very much! (I don't think this is very good- I'm starting to get scared I may never write a decent poem again )

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Arcadiosiempre
    October 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    omg this is greatly written and the fluency is great although im sadnened if this is ur life twiny....love it
    Love u twiny God Bless you!

    • HoldMe
      October 6, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      It might be, if it wasn't for God...he's the only one keeping me sane sometimes lol...love ya too! *hugs*


  • FeedYourHeadMeg
    September 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    (switch me to better stitches" I really like that line!

    Also "hurry the hushed hurt" same with that because of the alliteration.

    I like this still. I think a teensy tiny bit of its cliché with the kool-aid part and the ashes-to-ashes part, however I love the way its written and sounds electrifying and very chilling, in my opinion.

    If you think you can, keep making edits, the best pieces take the most work!

    • HoldMe
      September 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      aah work, a word i'm not too fond of lol...yeah, i was thinkin about takin out the kool-aid bit...and i def. agree w/ the ashes to ashes...

  • FeedYourHeadMeg
    September 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "Meanwhile, the trees are gossiping again-
    I am sure they speak of me." are ,y favorite lines! I love that whole stanza though.

    For "palms sweaty" part i think you could elaborate more on that by using a simile or metaphor? i really think that would add to the poem.

    "I'm here with the pill bottles,
    the scalpels, the nooses, and the voices in my head-
    if you ever need to find me. " I ;d like you to think of a better ending.

    Dorry if I'm being TOO critical, but I just want your stuff to be AMAZING because youre being graded lol and cuz I know you have amazing talrnt

    • HoldMe
      September 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thank ya so much for the comment! lol, no such thing as being too critical...the more critical the better lol. ya, i had a problem with the ending and i did in the rewrite which i'm about to put up here...endings are one of my major problems for some reason...*hugs* thank ya so much, now i'm gonna go check out your new poems...

1 - 6 of 6