A twisting tunnel underground
Emanating from it
There is sound.
A grisly scream of pain and hate
Then you realize something in the shadows,
Waits.
A tall, pale man, clad in white
Steps out to help you
With your plight.
"I see you're lost" He says kindly
A smile across his face
He seems friendly.
"I," he says, a twinkling eye green
"Am Jack. Yes, my name is
Jack Martine."
"I own this place, and all within!"
He winks at you and
Gently grins.
He removes his tall, white top hat
"Who might you be?"
He purrs like a cat.
For no answer waiting, he beckons you along
Down the stairs,
Beyond even the gong.
"This is my chamber, what do you think?
Please sit down,
Here by the sink"
"NO! Not that sink!" he screams loud as night
You jump up, from surprise
And also from fright.
Smiling softly at you; the naive little kid,
He gently shows you
To the other chair's lid.
"You almost seated yourself on my trap
For evils and monsters
And demons like that."
Picking up a stoic little brick,
He drops it on the seat
And almost gets nicked.
By the spike that erupts from the lone little chair
That you on accident
Almost sat on in the lair.
He smiles at you politely, a pair of golden teeth shown
"Lucky for you, my senses
Are grown."
You agree vigorously, not one to frown
He then decides
To show you around.
Pressing a button, of red and yellow,
The wall turns around
To show off a ghaunt, little fellow.
"This fellow was found on the streets
I am trying to slowly
Put him out of mis'ry."
A spike through his gut, needle-point thin
And some ugly substance,
Coming from within.
He pulls you away, before you lose your lunch
And pushes another button...
Now there goes brunch.
Before you is a child, a face frozen on
Of horror and fear,
Into two, she has been sawn.
He whirls you around to a painting you thought
Was innocent, but now,
You see that it's not.
"A rose pressed is such a beauty!
So here is my love Rose,
Ain't she a cutie!"
He whirls you around, shows you sight after sight
Horror after horror,
Fright after fright.
Finally he takes you deep within
His castle and shows you,
Alot of dead men.
But then you notice, a blank spot on the wall
He smiles and says
"Not complete, after all."
You raise your eyebrow questioningly
He gestures to a
Soft, silken seat.
You take it without question, to listen to him explain
About how his last art
Caused him such disdain.
"So now I need, another replacement
And no one shall come,
Then leave my basement."
Panic crosses, your wide-open eyes,
And you try to think
Of some compromise.
A useless endeavour, you try to flee
And then you find
Yourself on one knee.
You hear words, and you follow directions
You try hard, but
Can utter no objections.
He smiles quaintly, "You're under my control
Call it a spell, for now
I own your soul."
"Now you will answer the next two questions mine.
Nod if you understand, please
I need that sign."
"And when you nod, you will want to obey
Every whim of mine, you want it
My way."
You nod slowly, yes you understand
And no longer do you want
His plan to disband.
He gently touches you, a smile on his face,
"Now the last question,
Painting or vase?"
A contest entry
- The Darkness of your Heart needs to be shown by Avarus L. Katier.
1000 points, ended September 21, 2007, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ONLY ENTER IF YOU DARE!!!!!!!!!!!! by SeeInBlackAndWhite.
440 points, ended September 23, 2007, 17 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Darkwrite Extravaganza Season II, Round I by Immortal Obscurity.
300 points, ended February 11, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Haha! I lubbers it! There are a few spots where the flow is off and the stanza where "streets" was rhymed with "mis'ry" threw me off for a moment, but the overall effect was charming. It is quite captivating and amusing as well.
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very intriguing my dear keep my interest from top to bottom what a delightful evil imagination you have wonderful job nice work on the trophies
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it was pretty good
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Yes, the rhyme scheme was very well, the idea of the story was nice, i enjoy the fright in the story with the young childlike background, but this poem sounds like a reading at a campfire, all in all its an enjoyable poem and i liked it very well.
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Yes the rhyme was quite good, but this sounded more to me like a story for young children, that you would tell on a dark night when out campping with the family.
I found it a tad long and tended to lose interest. having said that I wish you all the best at judging
Gaylene
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Hmmm.... I'll give you that your rhyme wasn't God-awful. It actually flowed quite nicely, and the poem definitely had it's moments, but it wasn't quite the twisted sort of darkness that I was looking for. I spent the whole time trying to figure out what you meant by 'painting or vase'... I was thinking it had something to do with your earlier allusions to artwork, but I'm still not a hundred percent of what your intent was there.
Either way, a solid attempt. Well done, and good luck!
Laura
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Wow... this is awesome....where do you come up with this stuff, wait do i even want to know? anyway, i'm still here, and i always will be, don't ever forget that, ok I love you (not meaning it in a weird way) but you are really awesome, and i do love you.....
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You are like, so insanely screwed up that I can't even begin to tell you how screwed up you are. Love this piece, by the way
But tell me, what's the answer to the last question?
I'm hoping its vase, cause leather comes from cows.
Seriously. They like kill the cow before they take its skin off. I mean, that's good, so then the cow doesn't get tortured, but still. Its one less cow in the world, which is sad. Now I'm rambling. RAWR. I blame you for this.
Clappies for you cause this poem is way awesome.
<3 Jojo
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YOU FLIPPIN' ROCK!!!!!!!
you had me at Charming.... I love it you have penned a wonderful tale a tale I think you should try to continue the piece so vivid and quite a deletable treat!! this is most delightful with all its wickedness your mind is awesome my little cookie!
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Awww, at charming? COntinue it? Like a sequel? Hm. Never thought about it. Thanks for the brain candy. And the comment.
~Asa of the Authors of Subscribing
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I remember telling you how awesome this poem is over the phone. But i didn't comment.
So here it is.
This poem is awesome!
=D
good job babe
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wow... this poem is really wekk thought out. i love how you you used quotations in this. i believe that you will really go far with it. good luck.
~WindOfChange -
Much potential
An excellent poem with delightful rhyming that can only be improved by correcting the flow. I do this by exacting the syllable count. It's quite a discipline, and best done when the poem is first penned.
This piece reminds me somewhat of one of my own, "The Land Of Mists". Have a look at that on my page and feel free to write to me for an exchange.
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"You jump up, from surprise
And also from fright." This sounds a little forced, maybe play around with the syllables, think probably in the second line ...?
"Before you is a child, a face frozen on
Of horror and fear,
Into two, she has been sawn." Rhyme a bit forced here, it interrupts the flow, perhaps play around with that first line ...
Nice story, strong imagery and a fairly consistent flow that only hitches in a couple of places, but that's to be expected from such a long piece.
Love that ending and the background is brilliant. A perfect fit for such a dark write.
Congrats on both your silver trophies, nice work! xxx
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This is a great poem. I love it. This is my favorite part of your poem:
A useless endeavour, you try to flee
And then you find
Yourself on one knee.
You hear words, and you follow directions
You try hard, but
Can utter no objections.
He smiles quaintly, "You're under my control
Call it a spell, for now
I own your soul."
"Now you will answer the next two questions mine.
Nod if you understand, please
I need that sign."
"And when you nod, you will want to obey
Every whim of mine, you want it
My way."
You nod slowly, yes you understand
And no longer do you want
His plan to disband.
He gently touches you, a smile on his face,
"Now the last question,
Leather or vase?"
For some reason, it just suites me. Nice job writing this poem.
~Jen~
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this is a very twisted write, and you did an excellent job! congrats on your silver,
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Ah, that worked, thanks for the link.
This is a totally awesome write!! This is my type of poem. Sick, Twisted, Disturbing, and all around bad ass!
I actually found it humorous to write such a dark and murderous write with little pretty teddy bears in the background. LMAO!!
I cannot pick my favorite part, because I am just as sick and twisted as you are.
Good luck in the future contest and congrats on the shinies!!
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Comment
In line 32 I noticed you spelled naive wrong...one i not two..
Other than that...I didn't see anything else pointing out...
Oh, loe and behold, little ol' me was lost, lost within your tale...wondering which way was up and down, whether he was friend or foe...oh, who knows?
You're trying to scream out your objections, you'll never get them out in time...(oh, I like that)
I'm not sure exactly what my feelings to this poem is entirely, I have mixed feelings about it...and in any case if you were to provide me with some background imformation about this story, then perhaps i could understand it better...was it something random, something important to you, what was the message you were trying to convay in this poem? I found NO message, but hey, that's just me.
This is good for a laugh or two, and if your completely sober, it's scratching your head in wonder and slowly back-tracking to find your way. Personally, this wasn't to my taste (I hate to sound so negative and bashing, I'm not, I promise)...I just found this rather odd...one of those poems you read that stays on your mind for days...which for me is a good thing. So, I think I like this poem the more I read this...in a way.
Overall, that your for sharing, and I hope this wasn't too negative. Thanks for sharing and congrads on your two trophies. -
This is a very well written story that really pulls the reader in. I like the three line stanzas, gives it a fast pace.
Good write and congrats on silver.
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first, i would have to say the flow was choppy and it was hard to read in that sense. also, you mispelled naive.
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Wow..i must admitt ath kind of scared me, it was a very good write and deffineatly leaves you thinkg..good luck
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Hey Bro, this one is brilliant and deserved the gold, but the silver is still pretty good. You have a very 'disturbed' mind...lol
Well done,
Love Sis
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good luck in my contest i liked this one alot
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Oh my gosh. That was a fantastic poem! I loved it! I hope you win the contest, that was just an outstanding poem, but there were a few typos so I don't know if that will like effect the out come of the winners. hmm. Well anywhos, thanks for sharing!
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haha great! you mispelled naive.
and when you said nod if you understand. i nodded. lol. -
god baby...your so good...i hate you...grrrrr
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