merging to the left on
u.s. 50, i didn't see
it coming
our reflections in the
bay windows held up
perfectly in the fading
clementine light
her declarations of
infidelity and the dream
ending ringing through
so shatteringly-clear
held in the reverie
of burning brakes
and for a moment
i thought i heard it
her laughter
lilting me away
Author notes
Won bronze in this contest: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2369122
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Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I can only say what, apparently, everyone else has said: the words you use in this are stunning. the brevity really makes it all stand out - a huge impact with, relatively, very few words.
you should be thoroughly proud of yourself having come as far as you have since your earlier poems. very well done. -
Wonderful poem! I really loved it, your launguage and word choice are stunning, I love the details and the way you made me feel it. Excellent write, thanks for entering!
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Your use of language is so beautiful. You must've heard this a billion times, but the phrase "Clementine light" really is just, gorgeous. Beautiful poem, thanks for entering!
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Again I have to admire this use of language..
"Clementine light" Excllent and a new pharse to me..
Always nice to learn something new
Peace
~A~
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Your language is amazing. I especially loved the final stanza...it really brings everything into perspective and makes it all work. "Clementine light" is one of my favorite phrases - something about it is so real and so perfect. I think the first stanza is maybe the least well-defined. Something about the combo of lowercase u.s. and numerals for 50 doesn't quite do it for me...have you considered spelling fifty out? Maybe I'm just weird lol. I wonder if you've tried playing around with capitalization or punctuation in this piece; although your style is very effective, sometimes simple sentence mechanics can have extra (and sometimes interesting) impacts. Just a thought.
Anyways, loved the read. Great job.
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Hey, sorry I didn't reply to this 'til just now; I sometimes forget to respond to comments even after telling myself to.
I prefer not to spell out "fifty" in this instance simply because I've always known and read the highway in question as "50." It's more familiar to me, so I'm more comfortable using the numeric instance of it.
As far as the capitalization and punctuation bit, I've been using lowercase now for a little while; it was initially more of an experiment of mine, but I've grown fond of it. To me, it gives a feeling of minimalism; a small voice that stands firm on the poem's message itself. Combined with the occasional use of italics, it almost feels ethereal to me; sounds weird, I'm sure, but it's something I've liked to do now for a while.
I also prefer to use as little punctuation as possible now, particularly when it comes to line breaks. I've come to think that the end of a line gives just enough of a pause that no punctuation is needed there, and thus there are very few, if any, things distracting one from actually reading the poem.
Anyway, thank you for your comment; it's good to get actual comments now and then.
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creepy. I could hear it too.
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mm.. sounds kinda sad, kinda scary, and at the same time, almost calming...
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