It was a subfusc twilight,
I was just another grey
supporting a brick wall
that never required or asked
for my presence,
if not for dancing headlights
I would have submerged
into its silence,
but those beams chased
my shadow back to reality.
Coughing shutters were
proclaiming surrender
to the sour faced owner,
who obviously never succumbed
to his wares, sweet delights,
and then you appeared.
Trapped between that last drag
of a cigarette and unopened umbrella,
the pausing seconds told me
nicotine was still your lover.
A thousand miles,
many regrets and some fun,
since I packed my past into
a plastic bag, span bus roulette wheel
and faded away.
But even now I knew,
memories had not suffocated.
Why is it always a woman
that makes you leave?
Why is it always a woman
that makes you return?
You didn’t speak.
Stinging rain diminished
in reverence to your stinging hand,
I recalled when a caress
was the only anger we shared.
I read bitterness in Braille welts
your rings left and your farewell
in retreating steps.
There was still time for me
to catch a greyhound,
leave this trap behind
and nurse deserved retribution.
Author notes
Fug-azi
A contest entry
- Show me UNIQUE!!! Can you think outside the box we call poetry? by Amy Meneses.
1000 points, ended October 3, 2007, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites! by aeolia.
380 points, ended January 19, 2008, 116 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Let Words Flow From Alls Fingers by Ignis Corpus.
450 points, ended October 31, 2007, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - that don't impress me much by j-ay rose.
600 points, ended April 9, 2008, 40 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Free Verse or Prose Prewrites Only by Randomly Beautiful.
600 points, ended April 17, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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I enjoyed this one. The imagery was on target. I related to the emotions contained within.
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i particularly like this entry... thank you for entering my contest, thank you for being creative and thank you for taking the time to put yourself out there for all of us to read.
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A strange and yet pleasantly unique piece of work.
good story but kinda rubix, I like it.
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This poem, tis brough tears to my eyes, cause It made me think of sad things. this is a really good poem though, good job on this, and keep the emotions and writing up. I wish you the best of luck in this contest.
beautifuldisasterxx -
For judging purposes I need you to answer the following question:
Would you say your structure/format is important to the overall message of this poem? If so, how?
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The structure/format is important to the overall message of my poem. I am using the structure to pull the reader into the situation and the thoughts of the main character. Line breaks are to try and force the reader to pause before continuing on .. dramatic effect if you will.
Certain lines I wanted to emphasis so stood them alone from the main body.
Each stanza break also has the effect of moving the reader towards the next section of this story (the poem is meant to be an extended moment within a story)
Basically I am trying to set a scene, introduce the characters, depict some of the thoughts of one character to another, give a reason for this scene, a reaction and finally give an ending that is open to debate as to the outcome .. will he leave or will he go after her, the answer to that lays in the next part.
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wonderful. Thank you.
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wow
yes... definitely YOU are one of the best poets on ap.. and this poem just confirms it.. wow..love the lines .. why is it always a woman that makes you leave and.. why is that it is always a woman that makes you return..love the line.. but not sure I agree..lol..wonderful write..extremely powerful
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Well written and with an original style.Am unsure whether "subfusc" causes a pause for any other reader but it caused me to pause both reading it and when I read it aloud.Also unsure about the repetiton of stinging rain and stinging hand,maybe streaming rain or slapping hand? Particularly liked literally every other part of this,from the references to anger being a previous caress and the braille of the ring inclusive.Well done.
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Very moving...it reminds me of a song, and almost a short story at the same time. I receive such a clear picture in my mind of your pain, and how it happened, and I love the imagery...very nice.
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interesting...there is a general feeling of hopelessness in this picture...a grey, abstract whisp of fog and a feelig of having been beaten one too many times...too tired to stand up again. some very interesting imagery used here..."spun the bus roulette wheel" tha's very good.
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This is a great poem. It has its own unique style and your word usage was amazing. I have to say that some of it I did not fully comprehend, but the parts that I did, were very thought provoking and emotionally responsive. I felt sadness as I read this poem. Possibly the feeling of what power women do have over men without a word said. I liked the stanza: "Trapped between that last drag of a cigarette and unopened umbrella, the pausing seconds told me nicotine was still your lover." That was a great stanza. I nodded my head as I read that. I fully can relate to it.
Great write!!! -
this is really good...i love how this woman makes you want to leave and return... im going through that right now and it touched me so muhc... so thank you
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Very good
I loved your poem here it strolled through a few memories in my time as well as yours -
I really liked this! It's a new concept on the whole. Very nicely written.
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Certainly this is a poem of a higher order
There's more metaphor and imagery here that provokes thought and enhances mental film of story, like video recall with emotional recall too, in a black and white classic mode.
I would like to bookmark and return to this. Must run now. I wish the author (poet) the best of luck.
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L4 "nor"
L15 comma after "wares"
This is an excellent piece with a very strong narration and carefully chosen and well placed verbiage. Just 2 tiny edits. I wish you luck in this contest...you won't need it, this has "winner" written all over it in my opinion.
Hugs'n'Snugs
Laura x
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