I sat on bathroom tiles, head
lightly tilted as I watched you play
with long fingers and
marked veins;
you plucked my hair as if
they were strings to
the heart,
and you exhaled epiphanies
into the sound-holes of my throat,
leaving music notes
to flutter inside
my voice,
scratched mahogany handprints
into the small of my back
my body metamorphosed
under your torrid touch
to become the hollow resonance
of the sun, the tingling echo
of the moon
as you played me like a
twilight rhapsody.
Author notes
Inspired by surrealist art by Man Ray: http://www.cnac-gp.fr/education/ressources/ENS-Surrealistart-EN/images/xl/Manray-XL.jpg
Ugh this is almost..cliche in parts
Sep 20
A contest entry
- Surrealism by Hadji Murad.
1000 points, ended October 20, 2007, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-write Party 3 by DancingRed.
300 points, ended September 26, 2007, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Initial reaction - 10
Poetic devices - 28
Individuality/creativity - 13
Vocabulary - 10
Emotional engagement - 10
Layout/organisation - 5
Spelling/grammar/punctuation - 4
Background/font - 5
Overall impact - 10
Total: 95
This is a great piece of poetry with well-built metaphors. The feeling of love itself seems a little cliched, but I really like the fresh way you've expressed everything.
Perhaps you 'hair' in stanza two could have been pluralised.
Thanks for entering.
DancingRed.
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Thank you so much!
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I agree... cliche in some parts however... it's much more than that. I believe that this was wonderful. You obviously know the only faults, so I won't pin point them... just know that over all this was a beautiful piece. It reflects the picture very well
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Thank you so much!
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