She Keeps
[5 Liters]
Of Red Wine
On top of the freezer
(In the Kitchen)
It's empty now-
(But she's been the only
one drinking)
I know-
She's trying
to keep herself from thinking:
Darling-
You were Quite Wrong...
She finds
[l.i.p.s.t.i.c.k]
On his Shirt Collars
She wonders [Why]
He n.e.v.e.r calls her
(She Even Had His)
[Miscarriage]
So, she's drinking a.w.a.y
her p.a.i.n
That cheap bottle
of Easter Champagne
And her Soggy Ciggarettes
Wet with with Regret
(for everything she
can't forget)
She stays up so late
(Just so she can masturbate)
Thinking of the ones that got away
(Yeah, those that refused to stay)
And all those she could never have
(But those She Wanted-
.S.o. .D.a.m.n. .B.a.d.)
And She never really thinks of Him
[Anymore]
The Face of One
she [Once Adored]
(... See She's Just A...)
[W.h.o.r.e.]
But she always wanted
something so m.u.c.h
m.o.r.e
Author notes
option 2: dirty pretty
A contest entry
- Give me your best shot! by Dancing Rebel.
525 points, ended September 23, 2007, 31 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Diamond Girls by MelissahhMidnite.
600 points, ended October 6, 2007, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Perfection by adsaige.
600 points, ended October 12, 2007, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - strung out && b r o k e n more than an old cassette by PaintedParisPassion.
600 points, ended December 24, 2007, 65 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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This was pretty darn good. I liked the ending. There could've been more description, but it did paint a picture in my head. Still, good job. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
-
good job, deary.
i enjoyed this lots. =DDDDD -
The way this flows..I love it..It's like some screwed over nursery rhyme! Keep it up.
_Cheers.
-
LOVED IT
Darling, I can honestly say that I've actually never read a poem like this. I can also honestly say that I'm somewhat toward the jelli side. Very pretty. I liked the way that the punctuation broke up the thoughts into a way that suggested (to me) gossip. *gasp* -
Judged
I like this, the style. At first I was worried about the punctuation, and still am, however, the overall poem is a bit over-done, if you know what I mean. For the moment, welcome to the finalist list. -
It's empty now-
(But she's been the only
one drinking)
I know-
She's trying
to keep herself from thinking:
I Effing LOVE that bit. It flows so well. good work.
(... See She's Just A...)
[W.h.o.r.e.]
But she always wanted
something so m.u.c.h
m.o.r.e
And this bit, but the WHOLE poem rocked like woah. nie job i love love it -
I am just an absolute fan of Dirty-Pretty. You really made this look so good! Not many people can pull off a Dirty-Pretty [peom] ... You used the punctuation (very well) ... and you did not over do it. I loved the break up of this piece. You showed true poetic devices. I am also very thrilled to see the Metephores in this piece. But I do have to say ... My favorite part of this entire piece was ... "And her soggy Ciggarettes, wet with regret." That had so much meaning to it. Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful piece with us. Keep writing and I will continue to read.
Much Love - Chantelle -
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This was a really sad and good poem. I loved it.
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aw so sad and so beautiful. Amazing work.
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I really liked it, which is weird because I normally don't like dirty pretty, but whatever. I thought the last line was a little weak, compared to the rest of it, but other than that it was great!
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This was amazing. There's nothing else I could possibly say other than that. I salute you.
-
God damn, that is amazing! I love every line, they're all so well placed, the flow is fantastic, I couldn't look away from the page, I sat here and read this like 6 times over and over... amazing.
(She Even Had His)
[Miscarriage]
Favorite line
Great write!
-
excellent
Amazing, well done, this is very different, and excellently written, thank you for entering my contest
Best of luck
Zoe xxx -
Wow
This was a really good poem. I liked how it stayed at the edge of what you don't really want to see or read. I think the last line could use some reworking. After the originallity of the rest of this piece it seemed to blend in in an unasthetic way. Your poem though, and I still loved it.
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