As I dance
I see the silhouette
of their lust.
The lonely outline
of mens perversions.
As their thirst
expels from their pores.
Desiring my body
with every movement.
Captivating their sensual urges
and their life stricken impulses.
Their eyes dilated to every curve.
As their lips,
imagine every taste of me.
Sweat upon their palms
as their hands quiver.
Extended with ever
moisten dollar.
With faceless expression
of their silhouette of lust.
Author notes
Lust POD
A contest entry
- The POD by Arkbear.
300 points, ended September 20, 2007, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Much of what I would "critique" in this piece has already been done so by Bear and guttermouth, so let me primarily concentrate on what I liked about this. Most of all, I liked the originality and the imagery. Both are strong points, along with keeping to the theme of the contest perfectly. I thought this was a prime example of "lust" from this perspective. I disagree slightly with Bear on one point - the "perversions" line. To me, the poem is written from the view of the dancer, not necessarily the POET. (Even though it's written from a first person viewpoint.) Therefore, that seems like an opinion "she" would have and I had no problem with it. A very good, solid write. TY for your entry and good luck.
Best wishes,
~J. -
Title - The title was a little cheesy. It's applicable to the write, but still was a bit much for me. 7/10
Appearance - The scan of the poem was okay, wasn't a big fan of the image... black on white was appropriate here. 8/10
First Impression - I thought the poem itself was incredible. The picture at the top wasn't necessary, for the reasons Bear mentioned. Such an accurate description of what goes through minds /10
Rule Adherence - I found no rule violations. 10/10
Rhythm - I found the rhythm here almost like a dance... it worked really nice with the piece. 9/10
Imagery - Pretty nice imagery. Just a couple of metaphors and a bit of descriptive writing. Might have benefitted from a bit more, but better to not do quite enough than to do too much. 8/10
Originality - An original concept, no other entries went in this direction for the theme of the POD. 10/10
Spelling/Word Usage - I found no spelling errors. 10/10
Grammar - "And" should not have been capitalized as Bear mentioned. 9/10
Ease of Understanding - Very easy to understand, you captured the theme in an interesting and unique way and presented it very well. Nice job. 10/10
Total Score - 91/100 -
Yet another well-written poem. What can I say? You got a gift.
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Sexy!!!!! I like the concept of this. It's very seductive. And I like that it's not your basic type of seduction story. Great write!!!
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Wow ~
Let's concentrate on your last stanza for a second ~
Did you mean...*every moisten dollar*?
ever......dollars?
....and..to begin your last line with a CAPPED..*And*...is not too flow worthy ~
Ok...back up top.. :)
*Perversions* made me cringe a bit ~
I felt as though my gender was attacked ~
lol...yes...I can see why many women....and men....think that most men, are perverted....but actually, ......well......ok......hmmmm.....ok.........you can have that one in there ~
hehe ~
No...seriously.....I would be careful as to how you present your focus ~
Sometimes, *direct, in your face spilled Ink*, will leave a harsh taste upon a Readers tongue ~
I did find this write to be dead-on with the Theme criteria ~
You have presented this topic very well in my eyes, and I hope I can see your talents again in the POW ~
Please read the Rules as to when you are allowed to enter, as you have a mighty Quill, and I'd like to see it again ~
Presentation....nice graphic....but I think it would have been better without it....as you displayed a vision next to none ~
Imagery and vividness are superb ~
Title.....well.....here are the other areas I looked at ~
Good luck Poet!
Bear ~
Title 9.4
Flow 9.4
Depth 9.1
Theme 10
Feelings 10
Grammar 9.3
Presentation 9.5
Uncommonness 9.6
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.2
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 95.5
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Lisa
I wish I was your silhoette of lust, but even better, love. The extended hands holding the wet dollars know nothing of love, but just lust. I want to extend an empty hand to you, that will give you love, not just lust. Once we have love, we won't have to worry about anything else, for love is all there is....
I love you baby,
Brazos
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Very well written Lisa, an excellent entry into the POD. You always write well of sensual things.
Best of luck to you...Scott
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