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Terms of Endearment

Oh, juicy words to nibble on
washes down the hate.
Sputtered repetition
nests in webs weakly weaved.
Foolish mouths make love

to victims, feeding

'Mi amor'.


Mother motions
towards glazed sentiments just
as tides are reeled in by the moon.

Marriage and babies
doctor prescribes
for a relation gone a rye.

Throw your life out with the baby
and the baby with the bathwater.

Terms of endearment,
misshapen silhouttes

in the midst
of dispassionate
walls.


 

Author notes

lust

A contest entry

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Comments


  • trista gold member
    September 20, 2007

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    There's a lot to love about this poem, just a couple of things that hurt it - namely, the title, the misspellings, and the one borderline cliché line about the baby and the bathwater. (Though you did take the line and change it up from the original saying, which I have to give you credit for.) I loved the imagery and the direction of your thoughts, the metaphor, and especially the subtle use of alliteration. This made it flow wonderfully off the tongue when reading it out loud. A+ in the originality department. A very solid write, and I suspect a strong contender in the POD, although I haven't read all the entries yet. TY and good luck!

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


  • guttermouth
    September 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Title - I think the title was good for the contest, but I tend to steer clear of things which are already done and there is a movie of this name. That, and I hated that movie... so it didn't help, but I own't hold my personal preferences of a film into account. That was more of a side note. 8/10
    Appearance - Not thrilled with the appearance... white on black when writing about this subject just doesn't sit terribly well. 7/10
    First Impression - Loved the read. Clear, great metaphors and imagery. Well done. 10/10
    Rule Adherence - POD was not placed in the author's notes, as mentioned by Bear. 8/10
    Rhythm - Nice rhythm, I found no break-ups in it as all as I read through. 10/10
    Imagery - Some wonderful imagery here. I won't go into too many details here (because I easily could), but every stanza contained some greatness to in in this respect. 10/10
    Originality - I thought this was great, very original and thoughtful take on the prompt. Nicely done! 10/10
    Spelling/Word Usage - This category hurt you a bit. Last part of stanza three should read as "awry" rather than "a rye". "silhouettes" is misspelled in the last stanza. 8/10
    Grammar - I found no grammatical errors. 10/10
    Ease of Understanding - Metaphors abound, but still very easy to understand. A lot of people struggle with this, and you've done it wonderfully. 10/10

    Total Score - 91/100


  • Arkbear gold member
    September 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Holy crap ~

    Ummm....where has this talent been hiding ~

    A metaphorical masterpiece penned perfectly ~

    Just watch out for losing your focus ~

    Other than presentation....this write rocks ~

    The first and last stanzas are the BOMB!

    You left out POD in your Authors' Notes....please do NOT place it there, as you may edit AFTER all of the Judges have had a chance to review this ~

    There is a reason to place POD in your work, as it will be revealed as to why, in the POY ~

    I hope you read the Rules about how often you can join, but I'd

    really like to see your Quill touch parchment here as often as allowed ~

    Good luck Poet,

    Bear ~

     

    Title   9.6

    Flow   9.9

    Depth   9.9

    Theme   9.8

    Feelings   10

    Grammar   10

    Presentation 9.2

    Uncommonness   9.9

    Sit & Ponder Affect   10

    Ability to follow Rules   9 

    Bears Score:  97.3 


  • Swan song gold member
    September 19, 2007

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    This is one tough poem. Well done! Third and fourth stanza are just hard as a rock. This is one intense profound and amazing peice of work.