~
I put feathers onto hearth
in waiting
of your homecoming
such that patience
went brittle
to find tip,
of sustained breast of rose
falling
swaying here
and there
echoing in cravings
of softened hearts
as every human,
does surrender
to nectarious desire
longing touch
of feminine virginity
in glass dreamer
of refined mirror.
~
Author notes
POD. Poem Of The Day.
LUST ~ for other judges, i'll be honest and say I did put this on after a warning from guttermouth - sorry but I have been participating in other contests but none of them were 'themed'.
Please refrain from using my name in your comments as per contest rules. Thanks!
Criticism is welcomed. Who can learn to be better without it?
A contest entry
- The POD by Arkbear.
300 points, ended September 20, 2007, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I liked the way this started out with those first 5 lines, but I started to get a little lost after that. On second reading in made much more sense, and I was able to enjoy the imagery. The ending was still a little beyond what I could clearly grasp, though. I didn’t get a lot of feeling from reading this, but I think that may in part be due to the difficulty I had in following your thoughts, especially at the end. However, I did find a lot of depth to this write, and liked the originality. This might have taken a little more time to understand than an average poem, but it was certainly worth it. Also loved your title and thought it fit well. Nice job, and thanks so much for your entry.
Best wishes,
~J.
-
Wow ~
....almost not sure as to how to say this...but.....
............wow ~
For a Poet of your age, this is remarkable ~
I am very impressed ~
Your thoughts did tend to dip a bit deep...however, I made myself understand it ~
You took the time to write it, so the least I could
do was try to understand it ~
I am not a fan of *trying to figure it out*....but this time it was worth it ~
Such a lovely thing as virginity.....yet tasted not ~
A young girl of virginess rapture....awaiting her time to be plucked, ripe ~
A scrumptious read with just the right amount of metaphores to tease even a gay man ~
Well done Poet...looking forward to your talents in the Seasonal Challenge!
Bear ~
Title 9.7
Flow 9.8
Depth 10
Theme 9.8
Feelings 10
Grammar 9.7
Presentation 9.1
Uncommonness 9.8
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.8
Ability to follow Rules 9
Bears Score: 96.7
-
Title - I enjoyed the title. It stood out to me as going in a different angle as most probably would in a contest of this nature. It really piqued my curiosity and made me want to come in and see what was written. 9/10
Appearance - My first thought was the black/white scheme shouldn't be used when writing about lust... then I thought back to the title again and realized it was quite applicable. Scan was a little off just viewing the overall appearance of the write, but not terribly so. 8/10
First Impression - Some of it just wasn't very clear and I didn't get the references. I was just a little put off by the use of some of the words. Sometimes poems come off as trying to be too deep, and this was one of those for me in this case. 7/10
Rule Adherence - Slight violation of the rules in that "Lust" was not placed in the author's notes. 8/10
Rhythm - The rhythm was nice. A very smooth read as I went through from begining to end, I found no breakups. Nicely done here. 10/10
Imagery - Some of the imagery I liked, and some just lost me such as "sustained breast of rose" "feminine virginity/in glass dreamer/of refined mirror". I still haven't an idea of where this is supposed to take me as a reader. I loved the "echoning in cravings of softened hearts". 8/10
Originality - As I said, the concept went in another direction than I feel most people would, so I feel the originality factor is very good. 9/10
Spelling/Word Usage - I found no spelling errors. I've addressed some of the word usage from certain points, so I won't repeat those thoughts here. 7.5/10
Grammar - I found no grammatical errors. 10/10
Ease of Understanding - This was another tough one for me due to reasons I mentioned. Some of it was great and clear as day, other parts I still don't have a clear understanding of. 7/10
Total Score: 83.5/100
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