Rusted memories held dear,
Through a colorless youth.
Amber eyes gaze dead,
Across great spans of time.
Thoughts drift uselessly,
In a war torn mind.
Ashen hope fades way,
Given to an ebony fate.
Blood red wine chases
The crimson tide rushing.
Ambling gently after the
Ivory clouds dancing.
Author notes
This was a random poem that I wrote in Physical Science class. I had just had an eight month writersblock and this just popped into my mind when I saw a list of different colors. The wierdest things really do work when you suffer from the medical condition called Writersblock!!
I couldn't come up with a fitting title for this piece, a friends mom suggested "War Torn Mind" but I'd like more options/feedback. If you come up with anything, please tell me!
A contest entry
- Battle Ground by polly filla.
1066 points, ended April 7, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
I liked the title, and it wasn't too sentimental. Your use of burgundy text worked well, but I'd suggest a different back ground- maybe a pale gold one? It really brings out the poem when the back ground matches.
Also, since this was free verse, you probably would have done better not putting the poem into ABAB-style stanzas. It kind of brings about the expectation of an ABAB rhyme scheme.
One more thing: Instead of "ivory clouds dancing" you might want to put "ivory clouds that dance." There's something rhythmically uncomfortable about two "-ing" verbs so close to each other. Just a suggestions.
On the whole, very good work.
Love, Black-Moon -
sorry but i can't help u with a new title but it was pretty good i myself hate writesblock because it stops me from doing what i love 2 do writing poetry!!!!!!!!!!!
-
Sounds more like something from a polysci class...
Thoughts rust in unused chambers
Webs stringing memories through time
Hoping to heal the hurt of consciousness
until dreams invade
once more
Eddy
-
I have one immediate recommendation, and that is to change the font to a neutral color; The imagery you use in your poem clashes with the act of reading a vermilion page. I really liked the usage of colors though, and was most impressed with the title as a summation of this. I don't think you need the word "colorless" in the second line, it seems to be fairly obvious and taut. Otherwise, this is a nice exercise in vision and imagery, and overall very well written.
-
Thank you for entering my contest. How embarrassed I am that I don’t “get it”. I think maybe your first stanza is two fragmented sentences. Check that out, please.
-
The juxtapositioning of "crimson tides rushing." and "Ambling gently.." is hard to come to terms with. I find the whole too disconnected and a slight ramble although I rather liked the idea of "Rustled memories..." Perhaps you could call it "Physical Science Sucks!" LOL
-
did you mean rusted or rustled? quite different, i ask only because you wrote that you were looking at a list of colors when you wrote this. the colors really help to bring it to life, so to speak. its a well done short write. as to title suggestions, i would say something like "shades of life". hope you find one you think fits. best wishes
~shadowlyn -
I think the title should be something with grey, but I suck at titles, so sorry I can't be of more assistance. great write, get bored more often, haha
♥
whisper
-
haha. the best poems are written in boring classes when you are supposed to be paying attention. i find math class is best, but this works too
congrats on ending your block!! i like the last 2 lines best
-
very interesing....
-
This was an interesting poem. A little of the rhyme seemed forced. Thank you for your entry!
-
Beautiful poem. It pulls you into its depths and won't let you go. Interesting inspiration. My friend here says why not call it Across the Battlefield. It's up to you, but I still loved it hope to see more from you.
-
you know i wish that i could help you think of a title for this but you know i like it, keep it flowing
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
