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My promise (Dedicated To Jack Boyle)

When the sky turns green
And birds won't fly
When wind doesn't blow
And hurt doesn't make you cry

When love doesn't hurt
And my eyes have no sight
My ears cannot hear
And the sun is not bright

When trees do not grow
And flowers fade away
When all hope is gone
And the holy don’t pray

When night does not come
And the stars don't shine
The moon disappears
And home is not mine

If this ever happens
If it ever comes true
That's when I promise
I will give up on you

Author notes

This Is Dedicated To The Best Friend I ever Had!
My Username TheAshtrayGirl
Option 1 In Happy Contest By Kirsty x

A contest entry

What did you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 56 of 56

  • z etoile
    October 23
    Edit | Reply
    wow amazing write and powerfui!!! Keep writing!


  • MJ Forgives
    October 21

    Edit | Reply
    It was a really beautiful poem. I really enjoyed reading it. I hope you do well in my contest and thanks for entering. Love and Peace!
    -Jess

  • closetpoet99
    October 15

    Edit | Reply
    the last line would seem counterintuitive if the lines before it weren't so well worded. it flowed very well and the idea that only at the end of the end would you give up on love makes it really sweet


  • XxNinjaNemoxX
    October 14

    Edit | Reply
    This has been entered in a LOT of contests
    It's won a good chunk of trophies, and well deserved.
    It flowed really well. Congrats!
    Thanks for entering and best of luck
    xoxo.

  • catstar
    October 10

    Edit | Reply
    Nice write. I love the way this flowed. It had a wonderful feel about it. I like how you keep the secret until the end and then it seems so obvious I felt stupid for not guessing before. This is a very special love. Thankyou for entering my contest and good luck.


  • lesbian-in-love
    October 9

    Edit | Reply
    This was a beautiful write. I enjoyed reading it. I loved the imagery. It was a pleasure to read. Thanks for entering and good luck to you in the contest.

  • XxLuckyxX
    August 9

    Edit | Reply
    This is just an absolutely beautiful poem. A wonderful tribute to a friend. You show yourself to be a true and great friend here and this person is lucky to have you. This write definitely left me with a smile and with hope. The flow is wonderful and I love the overall tone of the piece. Your rhyme scheme is perfect with nothing forced and your word choices excellent. Thank you so much for the entry, it is truly appreciated. Best of luck in the contest.

  • XxLuckyxX
    August 9

    Edit | Reply
    This is just an absolutely beautiful poem. A wonderful tribute to a friend. You show yourself to be a true and great friend here and this person is lucky to have you. This write definitely left me with a smile and with hope. The flow is wonderful and I love the overall tone of the piece. Your rhyme scheme is perfect with nothing forced and your word choices excellent. Thank you so much for the entry, it is truly appreciated. Best of luck in the contest.


  • Ami
    April 7

    Edit | Reply
    Wow i really liked this one!
    "When love doesn't hurt
    And my eyes have no sight
    My ears cannot hear
    And the sun is not bright

    When trees do not grow
    And flowers fade away
    When all hope is gone
    And the holy don’t pray"

    loved how you rhymed perfectly
    Great write and
    Thank You for entering
    Good luck

  • piccola silver member
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like the feeling of hope that this write brings. Especially the last few lines. It means a lot not to be given up on. Sometimes we give up on ourselves and to hear that someone else will root on for us forever means a lot. Thank you for the entry


  • fairytalelovestory
    March 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    beautiful

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    February 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a very nice tribute to someone that you care about thank you for taking the time to enter best wishes and much luck


  • Sagerider
    February 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Really Great

    Well written. This could be a song. I enjoyed it.


  • Fading.Heart
    February 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is lovely good luck in my contest xD


  • love my jose luis
    February 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think that this is a very well thought out and written porm, get job on this piece... Keep up your great writing and good luck in my contest.
    ~Maria


  • K1r5ty
    December 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    very good poem! simular to one in my portfolio!! LOVED IT SO WELL DONE and good luk in my conest


  • Rose-Quartz
    December 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    A Beautiful Poem

    This is so beautiful, such tenderness in your words. A really excellent piece of writing that touches the heart and the soul. Thankyou for sharing this beautiful poem with me. I wish you All Good Luck in the contest. All my very best wishes from Rose xxx


  • seasonsoflove
    December 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Great job on this!
    "If this ever happens
    If it ever comes true
    That's when I promise
    I will give up on you"
    these were the lines that spoke to me most. nice one and best of luck in this contest!


  • di ivers
    December 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    SUPERB

    First I want to thank you for entering my contest and wish you the best of luck....I truly enjoyed reading your entry...It was outstanding...again thank you and best of luck

    ~~DI~~


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    December 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very nice...and this is why there are so many great and famous Irish poets

  • karabi
    December 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Very good

    Very sweetly said what all the lovers say, but here said in a very unique way - these are impossible things as it is impossible for me to give up on you my love. Very simple yet melodious, an apparently artless work of a master craftsman. The rhymes and rythms are superb.


  • leander Moderators member
    December 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    There is a lot of tenderness captured within the lines of this poem and you definately managed to send a beautiful message to the person you've written this for.

    The rhyme is a bit 'simple', but flawless so that's good The rhythm is quite steady too, only last line of first stanza was a bit wobbly in my opinion.

    Anyway, I missed a bit punctuation but that's okey for this poem, since the natural pauses are very clear to see, since you started a new line each time

    Thank you for entering this contest - I wish you the very best!
    Leander


  • Misunderstood-Teen
    November 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well done for this poem. I like this poem because it shows dedication to your friend as none of this will happen at least we all hope it doesn't. Well done and keep up the good work. Also good luck with in the contest if it's still going


  • Shining for You silver member
    November 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    very good

    Thanks for the entry into the contest and good luck


  • LadyDementia gold member
    November 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    great write, good luck


  • Undying Resolution
    October 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is definitely a different take on the contest.. very well written and thankyou for entering.. good luck!

    <333


  • UnchartedPoet
    October 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, are sure the world is not ending? No second chance here at all, the end, done, finished, period final. Good job, best of luck in the contest.

    Jen

  • carole21
    October 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    faithful

    congratulations on the trophy . . you have used many familiar examples to make your faithful point . . yours is a promise kept . . brings the point home to many . .


  • leslielovesthomas
    October 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    sweet! love it!!!

    good luck!!!
    leslie


  • kirsten.
    October 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    wayy pretty =]]


  • islekine gold member
    October 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Well done......

    Reminds me of some old songs...
    Write on!
    *PEACE*


  • leccator
    October 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    pretty deep

    thats pretty deep. Nice flow and good wording.
    its kinda sad but hope is virtue.


  • PoeticallyTintedSml
    October 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    i like this one... it has this hidden innocence to it. good luck in my contest.

    ~WindOfOne


  • storiesuntold gold member
    October 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Great write

    Yes within the realm of love their is no bounderies


  • Brazos silver member
    October 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Nice write Jasmine

    Sounds like you are determined to be devoted, in most cases, that is a good thing. Lucky boy, whoever he is.

    It is refreshing to find someone that likes to rhyme in this day and age, especially a young person like you. Most peeps nowadays like to jot off a few lines of prose and call it poetry [I do this occasionally myself], but, in my opinion, those who have never rhymed have never lived.

    Anyway, nice write here, I could feel the truth ringing through it.

    Thanks for sharing,
    Brazos


  • Sinnastarr silver member
    October 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like this piece. You did a fine job here. I like the rhyme scheme, flow and rythme of the poem. There are a lot of lines I like here, but a few that stand out for me are, "When love doesn't hurt
    And my eyes have no sight
    My ears cannot hear"
    Well done
    THank you so much for entering my contest and I wish you the best of luck.


  • Griswold gold member
    October 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very well done, nice rhythm and flow and good rhyme. A good poem all around in my opinion. Bless you...scott

  • pixiechick
    October 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Well said

    to jasmine.. not the other person, usually when someone close to you dies you havent got the time to sit on a computer all day and correct errors in poems, the person calling you lazy obviously hasn't got a clue and is just assuming things. Do the corrections in your own time jaz, i'm adding poems today so i'd love you to comment them for me. Best wishes to you and your family and god bless your grans souls. xxxxxxxxxx


    • TheAshtrayGirl
      October 21, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thankyou

      Pixie chick, i new you would understand, of course i will comment your poems later on once i get back from my english course. talk later xxxx


  • Nam
    October 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "And birds wont fly" - "wont" would be "won't".

    "When wind doesnt blow" - "doesnt" would be "doesn't".

    "and the holy dont pray" - "dont" would be "don't".

    A nice poem that you have written here.


  • Nivedita
    October 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I think it's a beautiful poem. The rhyming is not exact but just right. The idae is also very impressive


  • astralshepherd gold member
    October 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Thank you so much for entering the contest, I appreciate it. It is difficult to assess love poems objectively, I like them very much but this one, I feel, misses the content portion of the contest requirement of ‘tell me why’ and so I had to adjust that score accordingly. The flow is wonderful and a good form-format carries it well but your spelling - brought the poem its demise. As I finished the third read, I found myself pondering what I felt made it a poem well worth the effort. Blessings and best wishes, ~richard


    1) Content 1
    2) Originality 8
    3) Flow 9

    4) Word choice (vocabulary and/or rhyme) 9
    5) Imagery 6
    6) Grammar 6

    7) Form 9
    8) Spelling 3
    9) Emotional Impact 7.5

    10) Rumination factor (how well does the poem make me ponder) 9.5

    .
    astralshepherd’s completely subjective total score =68
    .


  • Crook Oneil
    October 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    well written with good consistancy


  • butterflywriter
    October 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    excellent piece...


  • Florida Sunshine
    October 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Wow ~ the rhythm of this piece is awesome! The motion just carries you a long~ I really loved this ~ you did a fabulous job!!!! ~ NICE job!

     

    Thanks for entering round 1 good luck to you!


  • line shakes
    October 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    lovely. its a wonderful expression of not giving up. this is like a song lyric, high on love. nice write.

  • pixiechick
    October 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    brilliant...
    pure amazing
    great read


  • LadyDementia gold member
    October 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Adorable!

    Such a lovely write. The rhythmic flow is superb. Best of luck in the contest!


  • Mezclita
    October 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Dang! Right on... it's senseless to live with someone you don't love... but you see it more often than you should... or at least here in this passionless side of the world... i think it's our religion (Buddhism)that keeps us peaceful & calm but everything will have it's good sides and bad... my gosh thank you for catching me before I fell... because I'm honestly loosing hope but still holding on for some unknown reason and it's hard as hell... to try to be patient... when maybe i shouldn't even try... sigh~ i don't know... okie really confused now but this one sure got me thinking... thank u 4 it...

    (btw, in case you're wondering I'm half Thai half Colombian... if you know anything about Thai culture you'll know we like to keep a "cool heart"... in other words not loose our temper... but, you know the passionately driven latins don't you... so yeah, will have to find my middle ground somewhere in btw!)

    Sorry for rambling on about myself but your piece just gave me that automatic reflect on self response! Thank u again!


  • slipperssun gold member
    October 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this was a great entry into my contest. shows lots of emotions we all hope to share. thank you for the entry and good luck
    cheers
    Jen


  • No.Longer.Bleeding
    October 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    is it supposed to be 'i will give up on you' or 'i won't' ? lol. awesome poem, definitely encouraging.

    Monica <3


  • bananasfoster42
    October 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is a wonderful poem. i really like it!

    but unfortunately you already have a trophy
    i hate to be a stickler and i know some people don't view HM's as "real" trophies, but i wanna give people who haven't won ANYTHING something, ao i'm afraid i'll have to remove this poem. but don't feel bad, cause i absolutely love this poem!

    feel free to check out my other contest, maybe it will fit with one of the options.


  • Menace
    September 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Thanx for joining. I still like the write. Finalist.

  • Menace
    September 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Hmm...

    I like this. It has a softer, subtle feel to it. I especially like this line..."when all hope is gone
    and the holy dont pray." I'm not a huge fan of rhyming, but this is pieced together exquisitely. I don't see you as a member of the group though. You have until the contest ends to join in order to be considered. Thank you for entering.


  • ThnxsForTheMmrs-x-
    September 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is sooo cute,, I love it so much. theres something about it,, that i think could be better// changed but i cant really put my finger on it so i guess that ,, that doesnt really matter. it was sweet and cute, and creative great job,


    kaydee

    keep it up


    • TheAshtrayGirl
      September 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      x

      thanks very much and your right
      it could be alot better,it was a five minute job. x

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