In the green smoke of champagne bubbles
your hands speak of other places
in a tight arc over the halo under our feet
and our small crimes kiss between my neck.
What is this January bullet, this
feeling of frozen toes and lost eyes and
this taste of small crooked noses?
There are nine crimes, you say while
we eat sweet and sour chicken and white rice,
and between the two of us that makes twelve.
Something about the way you
hold your eyebrows keeps me from saying
that I only count eight, or that your lips
still taste like a warmer loaded gun.
Author notes
I was listening to an awful lot of Damien Rice while writing this - his new CD (9 Crimes) pretty much makes him a god, so you should all go out and buy four copies right now That said, I think the piece itself still needs some work, so all constructive criticism is encourages. Thanks!
A contest entry
- [[60 songs]] be inspired by the lyrics--tbs, dashboard confessional, the used, brand new, pink floyd, etc.- by lysdarling.
900 points, ended January 21, 2008, 21 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is still a baby - please help me teach it to walk.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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"In the green smoke of champagne bubbles
your hands speak of other places"
-these are wonderful lines. i really enjoyed reading this, very well worded. i'm kind of iffy about the word "warmer" in the last line. it might sound better omitted from the sentence. thank you so much for entering!
-lys
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Good luck in the contest!!!
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I actually don't mind the wordiness... Although that probably comes from MY Prosiness. not really a word, I know... I like the "green smoke of champagne bubbles." I was trying to think if there was a better word than smoke, but no... I think I like it just fine! Good luck! and if you wouldn't mind, I'd like your opinion on my piece... I like your style.
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I really like that term "January bullet," very cool. But I just thought maybe this could use some slimming down. It's probably my minimalistness speaking, but you seem to get kind of wordy in some of your poems. Just a thought.
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What can I say, I have a love affair with words
I think it comes from being a prosest before becoming a poet. I can't get away from those words! lol. I do think this one needs some tightening, though, which will probably happen as I revise it. Thanks!
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