The mountains are burning.
Fire plays connect the dots
between treetops leaving
magic-marker lines of smoke,
staking their claim of the skies:
a dense gray blanket
sheltering destruction.
The heated fingertips of flame
reach through protective bark
peeling it away easily
like dead skin.
Honey colored blood drips
from the trunk into the mouth of fire,
consumed, leaving a trail
of bittersweetness to unprepared nostrils
Singed.
The bark lies charcoaled
on matching dirt
Wilted flowers mark the graves
below carved trunks-- now charred black headstones.
Fire feeds on unprotected insides,
its limbs climb toward the heavens
highlighted by fire, reaching
for the strength to endure this internal battle:
replenishing life, regrowth.
The mountains are burning.
Author notes
I like it? Enjoy
Screen name: Ah.Sosha. (first time I've changed it in FOREVER, I like it, kind of a new take on a personal palindrome)
Age: 18
Gender: Female
First Name: Sosha !
What I hope to gain from entering: A chance to inspire my muse a little, grow a little, meet some new people and to have some fun!!
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round One by Tangled Angle.
525 points, ended January 1, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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A very good poem here
You write very well and have such vivid descriptions as though you can see the flames lips speaking in heated haste saying your mine for the taking .
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Thank you very much for your wonderful comment and applause, I am glad you enjoyed my poem.
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270
[out of 10]
originality: 9
creativity: 10
Catchy Title: 8
Transitions: 8
[out of 15]
Line-breaking: 14
(Balance of) ideas: 13
Length: 15
[out of 20]
Structure/Coherency: 18
Interesting opening: 20
Effective ending: 13 [i didnt like the repetition]
Universal Theme: 20
Flow: 20
Focus: 20
Passion/Emotion: 12
[out of 25]
Message: 25
Initial impact: 22
Final impact: 23
[out of 300]
TOTAL: 270
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Hello,
Congratulations, you have made the first cut. I will be making a second cut. In order for you to have a chance at making it past the next cut is to apply for this group. Please look for the information that is required for you to give me, so that you can join; don’t worry, it is only two things: username and gender. This will help me organize making cuts better. Thank you.
Again, congratulations, and good luck.
http://allpoetry.com/group/info/Teen%20Idol%207?stay=1
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Interesting.
Syntax error in this spot.
"Wilted flowers mark its grave"
Flowers is plural, so 'its' should be 'their'
OR
flowers should be singular "flower".
-not sure what you meant to say.
"magic-marker gray lines of smoke,"
I like the image; however, it is overdone. You had too many adjectives. I imagined the marker at first, but then the gray lines [of smoke] it was too much. I like the idea.
I think if you said something like
"gray lines of smoke formed by a magic marker" [or something] something that doesn't have so many adjectives bunched together at once.
Besides those two things, this is very strong. I love the images and the metaphors. I like how you stayed focused, even though you weaved through the metaphors and analogies, you still managed to make sense with what you were saying.
Well done.
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I edited the part after the wilted flowers, because I meant for them to be marking the graves of the trees.
Also I took out the gray in the magic marker line, I fooled around with the line a little bit in my head and couldn't get anything else out of it... but I kind of like the image ?
And woot for me making the first cut!
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Good!
I was caught in a fire once...it was scary...it was also very dry...I like the end, because so many people forget why they must happen.
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