You break me in two
And criticize the peices
Can't you tell?
You're the reason
I blast music in my ears
'Cause i'd rather be deaf
Than hear you
And when i'm skinny
And dead
You'll be happy to know
That you've won
And I've done it for you
Mommy, I've done it for you
When im lying and dying
And all but crying bones
You'll have to know
That I've done it for you
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I know how it feels to have problems with your mother...i'd tell you to read the 2 poems i wrote about my mother...but that wouldn't help...this is about your poetry...not mine...anyways...
I can feel your strong, blunt, emotion and it says alot about how you feel. But it also comes off rough and unpolished...take a step back from your emotional attachment and look at this work with a critical eye.
I applaud your non use of grammar...i'm the same way...and while non grammar can be incredibly effective make sure that you have your thoughts together and organized.. but all of this will come with a second mote critical look...
the first two lines drew me in...and i liked how throughout the poem it was a mystery who you were talking about...i see loads of potential...keep writing!!!!!
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