Beyond your sound, a soul was found
below the music's solid ground.
In neon night, truth became bright,
so record-lies stopped spinning 'round.
I bet a sight, smothered in fight,
could look grotesque like bloody knights.
Regret mistakes, forget heartbreaks-
would armor fail for what is right?
Past words of fake, trailing in wake;
rippled effects I cannot take.
Cast fishing line, I will be fine-
crippled, deaf, blind in lovers' lake.
Author notes
By Tangled Angle [used to be known as Soccer-Freak-Tyler]
A contest entry
- ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING!!!!! I SWEAR! by Cherokee.
300 points, ended September 23, 2007, 30 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prompt by Naridill.
300 points, ended September 25, 2007, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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"Would armor fail for what is right?"
That line bothers me a bit. Otherwise, very well done.
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I liked this, apart from the ending, I feel it took alot away from this piece, I just reckon the wording could have been a little more playful at the end. But as always, great imagery and creative play.
Much luck
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Pretty dog-gone amazing from a little guy who has just begun to appreciate and create rhyme. I think you are a natural. Keep it up. Rhyme in the right hands is a beautiful thing.
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When did you learn rhyming
kidding. This is very inspirational.
Good luck!
-Esha
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I'm not sure. Maybe... "Forget about all of your rights?" I have no idea right now. It's hot and late. I'll let you know if something pops into my head though. You should really try to learn meter though. Make time for it if you can. As you know, it's one of my passions (and obsessions).
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I like seeing you rhyme. Good luck in the contests and nice scheme. Your rhythm could be a little better, but it's not bad. Did you ever check out Corey Harvard's Metrics Class or did I ever tell you about it? I keep telling people about it so that I forget who I told.
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Thanks
Yeah, you have told me about it. I don't have time for it though, unfortunately.
Do you have any suggestions for line 8? I really don't like that line to be honest. It's so dull. lol It's just the phrasing I don't like.. the idea is essential to the meaning.. I just thought it was.. -shrug- Oh I don't know. heh.
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Clearly written (which I can't say for most things, trust me) and the rhyme is simple, but not in a bad way, more like you can just read it and not have to think about how you need to space it out or say it so that it actually works, nice speed and just good flow =]
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