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Absinthe Maketh The Heart

In crystal depths of emerald fire
Of fluted lights
And sweet desire
Touching hearts and mind
Blessed dreams of the divine

So cast off your robes
And stand here beneath
These tainted souls and painted lips
Until all desire is spent

Of opulence and opiate desires
Lacey curtains that hide so much
We can raise a toast to other times
Fulfilling every whim
And sating every deadly sin

As we danced around the moon
And hid from shadows cast by runes
We are the tried and damned
We are the tried and damned
Tried and damned the same

For all the coinage spent
We are placing all our bets
To cover all our short comings
Before the sun doth set

So let us toast once more
In emerald green that pools
And sugared remains so sweet
Such opiate release

Let us remember these gilded nights
Etched in our hearts of stone
Let our spirits touch the moon
Brighter than the darkest star
That glows among this ember heart

So come let us rejoice
And party until the coming of the dawn
And we will wear this mark of Cain
As we stand at the gates of hell
Defiant unto the last

We danced around the moon
We hid from shadows cast by runes
We are the tried and damned
We are the tried and damned
Tried and damned the same

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Danna Hobart
    March 31, 2008
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    You did great, even getting the color of the page just right. thank you for entering.

  • more like war
    October 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really liked the first stanza of this poem, but once I got past that it sort of threw me off-kilter. I thought the fact that you kept switching between rhyming and freeverse really messed up the flow of the poem. I actually became more concentrated on that than what you were actually saying...the form of the poem should help the reader feel the words, not distract the reader.

    I also felt it was a little strange how you kept switching tenses. I'm not sure if you were doing that to show a contrast between what's presently happening in the poem and why it's happening (i.e. what caused it) but I just didn't feel you delivered that contrast as effectively as you could have.

    And one small note: I think when you say "before the sun doth sets" you really mean "before the sun doth set"

    I think if you play around with the verb tenses, just tweek them, and then make it so that the whole poem is either rhyming or freeverse, that would make the poem a LOT more effective. And besides that, I really liked it. I especially enjoyed the last two stanzas, as well as the first and sixth stanzas.

    Thanks for entering!


  • storiesuntold gold member
    October 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    DamedAND JUDGED By ones own hand

    You made the decision although others told you no
    You did it for your buddies for you wanted to go
    You became lost and crawled back home for help when you were down
    Then slapped them in the face for you were party bound
    You made the decision and judged yourself so harsh
    You played with the devil and alone you took part
    The drugs make you feel sorry for yourself for its the only way you can cope .So you sing a song to hide your fear holding the tears back all along . As your brain fries their will come a time when you wont ev en know yourself . That is the time you will want the most help but cells you cant replace once burned from the brain so where does that leave the kid all alone for his dieing day


  • whiterabbit.
    October 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this poem a lot. I like the tone and the feel that it has to it. The flow is wonderful as well. Great job and thanks for your entry.


  • Coco Mara
    September 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like this poem alot. It reminds me of something that could be sung in a goth metal band. Cradle of Filth is one of my favourtie bands and this song has some pieces of them in there. It's very creative, very imaginative and thank you for fallowing directions. . Thank you for entering in this contest.

1 - 5 of 5