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slowly

 

 

 

press me lightly into Earth -
         leaking water

                  [ slowly ]

         as grey grains clump to raise
         mud castles, carved from us

         & stacked
         along our shoreline shared;

waves crest
before they nibble soil,
washing every parapet
& wall




away

        [ all as our folly falls &
                   we begin rebuilding smiles -

 

 

                   erosion reverses us ... ]






Author notes

Prompt: "You never see the lonely me at all."

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think (Critical Honesty Appreciated)

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? • Line numbers
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Comments

1 - 12 of 12
  • Virgoan
    September 27, 2007

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    I can see the strength of words revealed in this piece. Nice take on the prompt.

    Congratulations

    VIRGOAN


  • Akimbo silver member
    September 26, 2007

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    Gushing... wait... it was just the tide... honest

    wow... pregnant with imagery. I love the grey clumping grains, rising mud castles, nibbled soil and the erosion of formed parapets... (excellent word choice there). I really felt the tide and thought the ending was perfect as it was so well reinforced by the changing tide.


  • Naridill gold member
    September 25, 2007

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    Grade A-, Rubric score of 93%

    Initial Impact/Reaction 9/10
    Originality 9/10
    Creativity 10/10
    Line-breaks/emphasis/flow 10/10
    Poetic device/verbiage 9/10
    Ideas/metaphors/imagery 9/10
    Cohesion 10/10
    Understandable/makes sense 9/10
    Overall poetic effort 5/5
    Emotion/personality/edge 4/5
    Last impact/reaction 9/10

    Definately shows alot of emotion, creates a new persona for the quote itself. A strong piece.

    Much Luck

  • Cherokee
    September 22, 2007

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    You write such romantic pieces that have much more to them beneath their surfaces. I have to read them over and over because I miss things the first few times, there is alway so much there. It's like those Russian dolls... that you open up and find another doll...and then another... and another...


  • fishbird
    September 20, 2007
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    this is god times a million. excellent piece i love the last line.


  • ellipsist
    September 19, 2007

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    beautiful... really love this metaphor

    everything about this piece, really... the imagery is particularly strong and I am especially fond of the final line...

    a very lovely penning...


  • aliceramone silver member
    September 18, 2007

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    okay...the last stanza was awsome!...great metaphors here blended with your cool and unique language...a great piece!


  • NurseChilly gold member
    September 18, 2007

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    reminds me of Levi Stubbs voice from the Four Tops, singing - Just ask the lonely... there's one part in that song, when he say... can you ask them, ask them about me, for that loneliest person is me.... is me

    and my god, you believe him, as i believe your words here, they are the grit and grime of muddied past lives and present din ... the rebirth from the earth - yes

    good strong writing this...

    loved it

    G.x


  • red
    September 18, 2007

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    Oh wow, you should definitely receive Gold for this. No joke.
    The metaphor and image is clearly and forwardly stated without becoming mundane. Your language is very good throughout the entire poem.
    That last line is a hard-hitter and it makes the reader want go back and reread the poem just to see all the different ways they could interpret this.
    Poignant piece, done with clarity and creativity.


  • Rowan gold member
    September 18, 2007

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    I think everyone hides behind masks, it's the ones that don't that end up in padded rooms~ lol.
    It's facades that keep us able to function. If I pretend I'm happy long enough and well enough, sometimes I am.
    An excellent write;
    " all as our folly falls &
    we begin rebuilding smiles-
    erosion reverses us ... "
    how true that can be.


  • Suzanne Dia gold member
    September 18, 2007

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    Why do we hide that lonely so well, anyway? Maybe if we took that mask off someone WOULD see it and actually make us feel less lonely. The worst kind of lonely, in my experience, is lonely with someone next to you ..and the most important time to take the mask off. Otherwise, it's simply masochistic.

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    September 18, 2007
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    .

1 - 12 of 12