a yellowjacket
[dead]
on the side-
walk, small and
[sad]
like slivers of
old yellow
butter.
nearby,
brown dry leaves of
[poison]
ivy and a
[losing]
lottery ticket, all
sixes and
sevens.
it’s good
to know
things that hurt
[like “us”]
can die
and be
forgotten
by
someone...
Author notes
chugglepuff - large comment please
So I've never written anything quite like this before. I usually am purposeful with my capitlization, and here I only purposefully don't use it. I also don't usually rely on page placement and strange margins, but somehow this piece needs them. And since it's all new to me, someone needs to give me honest opinions on it! Please???
A contest entry
- The Wasp in the Window by chugglepuff.
575 points, ended September 28, 2007, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is still a baby - please help me teach it to walk.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I really dislike these weird sort of text effects in poetry. To me it's just distracting and doesn't make sense, especially since brackets are supposed to be used to show something that was omitted.
The imagery is very interesting and original. I could definently picture the scene. But because of the way you formatted the piece, the lack of capital letters at the beginning of your sentences made me get a little lost. It was confusing on the first read as to where one line ended and the other started even though you did use periods.
Congrats on the gold though.
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It's interesting you chose this piece out of all of mine to look at lol. I was completely experimenting with this because it seemed like everyone was doing it (bad excuse, I know). But at least I figured out I don't like to write like that lol - you'll notice the rest of my poetry conveniently lacks both brackets and the absense of capitalization. Thanks for stopping by!
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i like the way you wrote this one, it keeps you reading more, and keeps you thinking its a really nice write.
this poem also has a very strong consistent tone..
=]
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strange/very strange
this was a very, very, stange write. and i'm not really sure i totally get it. but i did like it. it could mean alot of things. and as far as the placement goes, i think it works for this one. it's kinda' chopped up, you know? like peices of your memory. this was pretty good stuff. love gypsyfish
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Hmm... interesting style chosen for the prompt. I think it would have been a little more fitting for most of the things that are in brackets to have been in parentheses instead, except for the [like "us"]. But aside from that, the form is fitting for the mood of the piece as a whole.
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Really good work.
I really don’t like those brackets, the words you have in brackets don’t seem to need to be emphasised any more than the other words, and the bracketing didn’t seem to be consistent throughout the poem (I thought you were picking out key adjectives at first and that kind of worked, although I’m still not a fan of it). I think the brackets word for “[like “us”]”, because this seemed like a more personal thought, rather than the more factual description in the rest of the piece, which should be both emphasised and hidden with brackets.
I’m not sure about the margins, I think they actually do add to the poem, they go with the slightly rambling style. I’m trying to imagine it without the brackets, I don’t know if it would look weird without them. I appreciate that you’re experimenting with this style and I think it’s great that you’re doing this.
I would change “brown dry leaves” to “dry brown leaves” personally, it feels a little odd the other way round. But that might just be me and my insanity.
Other than that I really enjoyed your piece. Lovely description and imagery without making it over-complex and hard to follow. “like slivers of old yellow butter” is superb. Every word in this pulled its weight and I love the conclusion you pulled from this, unexpected and unusual but still logical. Thanks very much for entering and following the rules!
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Thanks for being honest!
I'm still in the process of deciding how I feel about the brackets, so it's good to get some other feedback. It's funny because originally the only brackets in the whole piece were around [like "us"] and for some reason I decided to add more as an experiment. Thanks for your thoughts and for hosting an inspiring contest!
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I have a huge bias against this poem, so you might have to disregard everything I say. I hate [these] There have been occasions when they're used well, but it seemed like it wasn't for the good of the poem, it was for consistency. I also thought the line breaks were a little too interrupting. I think you've got a really good idea though, the story has a lot of potential. Good luck with it.
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Yay honesty! I don't usually like [brackets] either, they seem petty in most cases. I don't know why I used them here - I think I was just experimenting and maybe trying to get some kind of subconscious matching game together (like "match all the words in the bracket and win a prize!" lol). Thanks for your thoughts! I do appreciate them
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