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Beware The Leopard


Blisters formed
by cheap, rough shoes
twenty dollar handbag
dangling from a shoulder,
flaming, brassy tendrils

that bleed with her sweat--
hurried steps.

 

Faux leopard coat,
perhaps Goodwill,
fabric that hugs

and rises with steps,
ebon fishnets

hugging soft,

pearlesque flesh--
attention drawn.

 

Lonely street corners,
dark, eerie haunts
especially
for a lone woman,
demoralized--
but looking for love

in a twenty dollar bill.

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 29 of 29

  • Sweet Jane
    February 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    It's lovely thought's,things and memories.
    good poem grandma*smile*

  • Ktulu Blackwolfe silver member
    October 3, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Very well done on your editing. I think this reads much better.

    I much enjoyed this one.

    **Ktulu Blackwolfe**

  • Arkbear gold member
    October 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Nice editing My Dear ~

    A special piece to bookmark for later in this Challenge....

    .....you'll see!

     

    :)

     

     

    Good luck!

    Bear ~


  • trista gold member
    September 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Hi Pattyann,

    I've read the other judge's comments, and both agree...and disagree on certain points. I know metaphor will play a huge part in this contest, but believe the purpose of metaphors is to help a reader really feel and understand a poem on their own level. Would have this benefitted from that? Maybe. But you have used such vivid imagery that I didn't feel it was necessary in order to pull the reader in and let them feel the emotion of the write.

    Of the few poems on this subject that I've read, you brought a fresh approach I really appreciate. Society is quick to judge a person, and it's not nearly often enough that we look beyond an outward appearance to what has shaped a person into what she or he has become. A wonderful first entry, and I wish you the best of luck in the contest. I have no suggestions at this time.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.

  • luckynsincere Greeters member
    September 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    What a piece to start out with! This is one impressive piece of poetry... a twenty dollar bill just does not go as far as it use to... lol. This is fresh, crisp and original. Wonderfully penned. There is no other words to describe it. I am usually not this pleased with a first entry... but you have truly out done yourself here

    I felt the flow was superb. I do feel that that could have improved without all of th commas... but that is merely a personal opinion. I do not felt it really took away from the impact of this poem.


    WOW! Well done. Best of luck


    Mel


    • pattyann4500
      September 24, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you, Mel. I look forward to other challenges. I'm thinking this one is definitely not what was expected.

  • Arkbear gold member
    September 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Check this out...>>>>>

    >>>>>....*hugs*....*hugging*.......my opinion.....too

    closely together to be used twice ~

     

    Just going through some writes pattyann....thought I'd stop back in!

     

    :)

     

    Bear ~


    • pattyann4500
      September 21, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Always a pleasure, Bear. Stop in any time. Next month I'll look for your contests and hopefully I'll be ready for them. Just think of me as the Little Engine that could.

  • The Void
    September 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This poem gives a more gentle out look on the situation than most people care to see, all we think about is how repulsive it is, I think you showed a different side to it, great write

    Good luck
    ~Dark


    • pattyann4500
      September 21, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. Although most turn up a nose at ladies of the evening, I'm sure many have not thought of what might have brought them to their plight. I appreciate your comment, Sweetie. Hugs, Patricia

  • leo2 gold member
    September 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    An excellent presentation my friend. It is not often this subject is explored here on AP. To be truthful that lifestyle is much more common than most people care to think about.

    Sincerely.
    Leo Long


    • pattyann4500
      September 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks, Leo. You know, I saw a lady of the evening once in Pittsburgh. Strangely enough, the gentleman I was working with pointed her out. They were very low-key there. She was in a most lovely pink pair of sweats with her 'guy' behind her about three feet. I wouldn't have believed she was one, but he said they had to be very careful. Everyone knows, and the police look the other way to an extent. I can't imagine being right out there in broad daylight!

      I'm glad you like this. I honestly don't think I've see but one or two pieces here. Maybe we should try a series?

  • Arkbear gold member
    September 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Nice start!

    Hello there pattyann ~

     

    A very clever way to start off this Seasonal Challenge ~

     

    I have to disagree with my Co-Judge Ktulu on one level....as I

    think your lines are powerful, invasive and to the point ~

     

    You get right in your Inkwell and swim around..not worrying about

    anything except bringing us into your world of thought and leaving out all of the extra *filler* words which could have bored me with this write ~

     

    This is direct.....yet..softly in my face with caution from your Quill ~

     

    An amazing themed write....

     

    ...however........

     

    with all of that said....I feel as though this could have been the powerhouse write to blow us out of the water..had you used some Great Metaphores....such as....oh...let's say....

     

    *small ponds of regret, forming on heals of habit*

     

    *discounted hues of red, dripping onto forehead from evening mist*

     

    *sculptous fishnets shivering, dress code breached*

     

    ....ok....so maybe you can see where I am going with this ~

     

    As stated in the suggestions by your Host, Melanie, we are looking for you to touch your audience in a way you never have ~

     

    This will not be an easy ride through this Challenge, as we are going to throw Many suggestions your way  :)

     

    Nonetheless....this is a superb entry...and it was a pleasure to see your talents grace this Challenge ~

     

    I hope you take into consideration what we will suggest, and go with it ~

     

    Do NOT hold back Dear....you are going to blow our socks off before you are finished here...I promise you that!

     

    Let your quill speak all of its secrets to you....listen carefully to it....spill unforbidden Ink onto your pages..and never look back ~

     

    Good luck pattyann!

     

    Bear ~

     

     


    • pattyann4500
      September 19, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      Thank you, Bear, for your very frank critique. How else will we learn our shortcomings if no one tells us.

      I knew after I posted this that I didn't have any metaphors, and I did think about changing this, but I wasn't sure if I should. I will make some changes if they will still be recognized.

      I appreciate the good comments as well. They prove to me that I'm not wasting my time, and I do have what it takes to be in this challenge. My muse has become a couch potato lately, and I'm close to beating her. Unfortunately, she gives me the evil eye far too often for me to trust what she gives me.

      Again, thank you. Your feedback is invaluable. Patricia

  • arafura gold member
    September 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    alone...

    Very real and honest look at the oldest profession! You show empathy and understanding and don't over-moralize the portrayal. I really like the way you have structured this and the imagery is excellent!
    Well done!


    • pattyann4500
      September 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you, arafura. I'm not used to this structure, so it's more of an experiment for me. I'm glad you liked the poem. Patricia

  • Ktulu Blackwolfe silver member
    September 18, 2007

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    There is some very creative imagery here. I think you did good, however, I think it would have been presented alot better if it was not 3 sentences dragged out..(meaning there are too many commas periodicly placed. It kinda reads as a run-on as I see it.

    However, I did like the line "looking for love

    in a twenty dollar bill." I think that was very well done.



    **Ktulu Blackwolfe**

    • pattyann4500
      September 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. Got rid of some of the commas, but this is not a familiar structure to me, but I wanted to give it a try. Glad you liked the last line. Patricia

  • Sweet Jane
    September 18, 2007
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    great poem


  • faderman1959
    September 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This speaks on many levels. Society as a whole and on an individual level also. It is harsh and grim which gives it a greater impact and makes it an even better poem. great write!


    • pattyann4500
      September 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks, Rob. Yes, I suppose it does speak loudly of society. I'm glad for your comment, that it gives impact. We never really know about our work until the votes are in, do we? Thank you so much, my dear friend. Hugs, Patricia

  • Kristen Corpse
    September 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Pattyann,

    You have provided strong imagery in this piece. Your words flowed smoothly and allowed you to paint us such a vivid picture. The background you chose goes well with this, so kudos to you on that. All in all, you let us see this woman and how she is "looking for love in a twenty dollar bill." Strong line.

    Always and Forever,
    Aqua Tinted

    • pattyann4500
      September 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I'm glad I put the last line in. It was actually an afterthought. I ended it right before that, but it nagged at me until the thought finally hit me. I'm sure it would not have gotten anywhere without that phrase. Thank you.

    • pattyann4500
      September 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I wasn't sure if this one would be tossed or not. Thank you. This was harder for me to write than you can imagine. The vision wasn't clear to even me until the last stanza. Again, thank you.

  • Asfand
    September 18, 2007

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    Ooolalaa! very sexy ... still .... very touching ...

    This was quite wonderfully developed ~

    You drew me in and made this a journey ~

    Some very beautiful images that were provoking my inner eye. Very poetic in a distinguished way ~

    Glad I read this ~

    Emotionally very sad. Your last line's a killer, the ending was great after all ~

    I am going to be hardput to compete ~

    Bless!
    --Asfand


    • pattyann4500
      September 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you, Asfand, for your kind comment. Hard to comptete? No. My muse has become a couch potato lately, and my poetry has all come from me. I'm afraid she'll lose herself in some sill soap opera and never return to me. hugs, Patricia

  • Captain Changa
    September 17, 2007

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    Man, I got those blisters at church and I got paid in paper/plastic airplane thingys. Not only that, I don't wear that much lipstick. None at all actually.

    People are gonna get the wrong idea about me dear.


    • pattyann4500
      September 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Do you wear fishnets and short skirts? Now, that I'd pay to see! LOL Poor baby with big blisters. Next time, tell them you want cash!

      • Captain Changa
        September 18, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        How much would you pay? It'd have to be worth giving grandma chest pains.
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