dripped through her as the jungle juice in her
veins beat tunes to the strobe lights; her
beetroot cheeks & serpentine hips clenched
the crowd like heartache as ecstasy wistfully made
its way to her brain, pregnant with desire – feet
thudded in sweat and torn hair as catwalks
became entrenched into stilettos, murdering the
bathroom tiles and clicking onto aroused shaggy
manes knotted into poetic cigarette smoke and
thigh-length atheist miniskirts dazzling with the
colors of the pallid half-moon beneath the
phosphorescence of the sky simply drenched
in soul & photographed in starlit ceremonies
under the guitar-swelled clouds, with the world
dying like broken smoke rings in the empty air
A contest entry
- Your BEST Prewrite! - For Mike [degarmo] - by Never Fall in Love.
950 points, ended October 29, 2007, 130 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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You have fantastic imagery. This is a perfect balance, I didn't feel like it went too overboard with fancy words yet it was extremely descriptive. I especially love the line "the colors of the pallid half-moon beneath the phosphorescence of the sky simply drenched" Fantastic poem
Cassidy
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Thank you so much
Your opinion is greatly valued!
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under the guitar-swelled clouds, with the world
dying like broken smoke rings in the empty air
i can think of one concert where this was exactly how i felt
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Thanks so much
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i would like to thank you for sharing your talent with me through this wonderful write. i wish you well in the contest that we both have entered. i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
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Thank you!
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damn i dig this!
lots of ideas all squished together in a great way! right on ♥
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Aw thanks!!
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Your first stanza is quite strong. I don't like the use of 'her' twice but your imagery is extremely powerful. I am a whore for imagery, I admit it.
I love the 'pregnant with' but I dislike the word desire, it is too overused. Just my opinion.
I adore the fact that you have got the same strength in the final stanza as you do in the first. Truly well done. -
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Thanks for your comments! I really agree with everything you say, so when I get a bit of time I will definitely change my poem
Thanks again!
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Thank you for your submission. Your entry has been reviewed. Best of luck in the contest!!!
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Thank you for your submission. Your entry has been reviewed. Best of luck in the contest!!!
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bravo
well done on the image. this is full of images and imagination. oohhh so sweaty and erotic. good luck in the contest.
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