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Your ending

Obsolete         

Pointless
Obscure 

Nothingness
The beginning of the end
The thoughts of those passed
The wishes of the once
The hatred of the now
depleting
Depriving
Emptiness
The end of the beginning
The past becomes a though
The now begin to wish
The once begin to hate
The maybe take over
Possibly
We will see
You pick
The unsure stand up
Just to sit done
The thoughts swirling
in your head
This exact moment
You start to
 

     END








Author notes

This is words on a page that hopefully make you think; but what you think about is up to you!!

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • Everlasting-Fallout
    September 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A very interesting poem, and one I rather enjoyed reading.

    There are a few things that I think could be improved here, however. I see what you're trying to do with the one word lines, and it works, but it feels to me that you've gone slightly overboard. Perhaps eliminating one of the lines from each of the sets of four would allow the piece to flow more. As it is now, the reader's mind gets caught on the choppy repetition of single-word lines and therefore can't catch the strength that I read in the weightier stanzas. (either way, you definitely need to remove or change the word "iffy" from the poem. it doesn't have the right connotation to go with the rest of the piece)

    Also, be sure to check for spelling and grammar errors. I see three or four that I'm sure you'll catch through proofreading.

    lastly, I think you should change the ending of the poem so as to give it a more powerful impact. In my mind it would sound absolutely perfect to remove the ellipses and simply have the last line, in its own stanza, be the word "end". Not only does this tie the entire poem together, but it also gives it a hard-hitting ending and it closes the flow that is built through the rest of the piece.

    Overall, an excellent piece, and it was my pleasure to read. Keep on penning!

    -Thefallout

    • Theory Of The Lost
      September 20, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks you for your comments, I do agree 100%; thank you for pointing them out, i just changed a bit, hopefully it reads better. Also thank you for that applause.