Warm wet circles were bar clinging
fighting for their life’s.
She was chest deep in drunk,
just waiting for the final wave
to drown her sorrows,
[or a lifebelt to cling to.]
I could see her eyes flicking in rhythm
to ice chimes of straight rye,
lips waiting to be glossed
by alcohol,
[or body fluids.]
Dali-like she sloped against my side,
sloshing around on her high heels.
Her arse so tight in leather,
it could crack walnuts,
[or break backs.]
A taxi growled from its slumber,
we fell willingly into its stomach
where we stewed in juices,
marinating each other in palms.
My finger replacing her gusset
slick with natures KY.
Our clothes crashed like waterfalls
to the floor.
[Hell this girl was a lollipop queen]
Dew nestled on ermine pubis
and like arid earth I drank its nectar.
I could hear the pipes moaning
as she conversed with her god
through my pocket phone.
Her sanctum walls welcomed me,
hugging me in warm embrace,
squeezing love from this rocky outcrop
and I obliged.
We were Siamese twins
melded together in centigrade lust,
abandoning tenderness.
Like ripped and torn lingerie
we were discarded in sex,
pheromones drowning the whisky sweat
drenching our skin, staining each other.
Her feet grafted to my spine,
her body a bandage, my body a wound
and the only relief was a cry of release.
Clock ran too fast and morning
danced across my shuttered eyes,
as if to say “wake up”.
Twisted sheets clung, reluctant
to allow my freedom,
and there she was,
a flower too long
without water,
wilted into the pillow,
oh so beautiful
Author notes
From the mans viewpoint .. maybe you are the one in the bar?
Edited : 18/09/07 - Extra 2 stanzas added
A contest entry
- The Bar Scene (Adult) by Danna Hobart.
300 points, ended September 25, 2007, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite me! ~~ One day only ~~ 500 points to Gold, will be judged tomorrow. by Naridill.
625 points, ended September 28, 2007, 145 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
this poem is great
you did a wonderful job with this
something that is hard for me to understand
the [ and ] in a poem
or at least where to put them
Riftkin -
-
They are "side thoughts", things that come into your head after you have already made a comment. eg.
"You look lovely tonight"
[only because its dark]
the things you probably wouldn't say out loud, but think them all the same.
I tend to use them after a description of an event or image, just to add a little something to the readers intial picture.
Thanks for your comment and I hope the above helps a bit.
-
-
Nice ending, rips together well. Love the creativity within this piece, adds a nice effect.
Much luck
-
This is the first entry that has also used a little metaphor and imagery. Thank you so much for entering.
-
wow
such a hot.. you... different way of looking at you... erotica but so sophisticated...lol... you make the one-night stand sound classy...lol.. way to go... love it..great job and good luck in the contest...
-
Totally naughty and completely awesome!
Very interesting take on the subject. I liked the whole piece, and loved your metaphors, but this part I especially liked:
"Dew nestled on ermine pubis
and like arid earth I drank its nectar.
I could hear the pipes moaning
as she conversed with her god
through my pocket phone."
Well written. Best of luck in the contest!
-
L12...should that be "Dali-like"?
Love the reference to walnuts & the lollipop queen
L35 "too"
This is brilliant and so cleverly written. I must say though, that's the first time I've heard of a man saying she's beautiful in the cold light of day
This is naughty but oh so very nice
Thanks for sharing
Hugs'n'Snugs
Laura x
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
