I talk in a voice of soft low tones as though someone might strain to here my mind's drone, yet succeed only in receiving those dreaded
'Speak up girl's that spin my world
My head
As I hold my breath and count the dingy yellow lights on the ceiling of this never ending interstate tunnel taking me home, sweet
Hell
That is so crowded I've learned to fear being alone so I cling to my addiction of love gone wro... well I don't know where it's gone, but it's never gone too long because all it takes is one lifted finger to remind me why I continue to hang on, as though I could
Let go
Of my hand cause I can walk just fine thank you, I've only had two beers I swear, just enough to blur the sneers that are branded on the inside of my eyelids and when that doesn't work I just leave them
Open
To the possibility of never being as beautiful, but if I had one wish it'd be Madonna's lashes and I know that sounds just a little bit
Shallow
So you'll have to forgive my not fancying drowning, and I keep thinking that exotic eyes are all I need to get a little closer to the surface, to a
Breath
And I do enjoy breathing, so I conserve mine wisely, not sparing a single one for someone so closed minded as
Jesus
Lives and so does Elvis and if thats so plausible why can't I find my mother when she's sitting right in front of
Me
I just run and now you know why with every passing night I run just a little bit farther, I run until it hurts so bad everything else just
Sounds like fun.
Author notes
Please excuse my 2 and 1/2 minutes of self pity, I don't do it often, and I was having a really bad day yesterday. If no one understands a word of this besides Moni, don't feel too bad, I have a hard time understanding my life too. Oh yeah, and to all my open minded christian friends, no offense meant.
Written September 25th, 2003
A contest entry
- so pretty much anything by Last Pixie.
300 points, ended June 11, 2007, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Best of the Best of the Best, etc. by Heavenly Angel.
1500 points, ended June 13, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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It is a bit hard to understand but then again, when you're penning your thoughts and feelings onto the page, it won't always be that others will understand
Thank you for sharing and for being a part of the contest -
well. it was hard for me to understand. there was a lot of emotion though and some very personal thoughts. nice write and thanks for entering.
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I liked to poem it self but I don't think this is what I was looking for. It's a great write and it really shows a lot of emotions. Well done and good luck in all the contest.
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wow. that was really good. this reminds me so much of reading catcher in the rye. "I cling to my addiction of love gone wro... well I don't know where it's gone" i love this part. great job!
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Not my thing
I'm new around here, and don't understand the points system - but you invite commments, even though mine is basically that this is the sort of writing I don't personally much care for. It's a cry of pain - 'Ouch - it hurts!', and I prefer a bit of stoicism.
Unlike some readers, I didn't get the form - are the one-word lines places where you had to stop the outburst to take a breath?
Sorry to be so negative, but you have lots of approving comments. This reads to me like a first draft, needing cooler consideration and tightening up.
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The one word lines are the end of the sentence before it, and the begining of the next. Kind of like that rhyme "miss suzie had sail boat, the sail boat had a bell, miss suzie went to heaven, the sail boat went to hello operator, please give me number nine..." Get it? The point of critical comments is to give the writer another percpective of the poem, so that maybe they can make changes that they didn't see on there own. While your comment was certainly negative, it wasn't very constructive. As for stoicism, that kind of defeats the purpose of poetry doesn't it? Why would you repress your feelings when your trying to move someone with them?
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It's interesting the way you have those one word lines that lead into the next phrase, which then takes you in a different direction. Well thought out.
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'Jesus Lives and so does Elvis and if thats so plausible why can't I find my mother when she's sitting right in front of Me' - this was absolutely heart-wrenching to me at times...amazing...i talk to my mom every day and i still can't find her anywhere...
-laura
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great
i told you i loved this. -
sounds good, nice rhymes in the beginning too. I think it could use a little work at then end, it seemed to me to backtrack off the subject, but nice write anyway, not everything is a masterpiece, feel me? But we all strive, we all try.
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God .. that is really amazing .. I've never really read a poem in this form but it all just .. WORKS so well!! And just .. gah, I can't say anything that hasn't already been said, really, but this is a completely amazing (and I know I've already said that, I'm sorry) poem .. I have to admit, the part that captured me the most is the "dingy yellow lights" on the tunnel "taking (you) home" .. that was gorgeous imagery! Gah, I'm sorry, I'm raving .. it's an awesome poem, thank you for posting it!!
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Actually, this is even better the second time around. Im kinda taken aback by it. Wow, really nice work and very insightful. I shall be sure to read more of your work in future. Thanks for sharing, Nate.
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I loved this!! It was kinda a drunken yell!! I dont know if you intended that but I interpreted it that way, I can see you shrugging off people trying to carry you to the taxi as you rant about life, the universe and everything. I LOVED this line:
I had one wish it'd be Madonna's lashes and I know that sounds just a little bit
Shallow
It did make me smile.
This was a really good piece of ironic writing. Loved it, loved it!
Keep it up, girlie.
Nate. -
Fantastic write girl! Fighting my own deamons lately and I appreciate getting sick and tired of the damn snears on the back of the eyelids staring back. I don't read self pity here. More like shaking a finger at the monkey on your back. Bless you. Thanks for sharing.
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"but it's never gone too long because all it takes is one lifted finger to remind me why I continue to hang on, as though I could
Let go" yeah, letting go is rarely an option. I really like this.
"but if I had one wish it'd be Madonna's lashes and I know that sounds just a little bit
Shallow"
Shallow? never, madonna is beautiful and I can see why even the least shallow of people would be stopped by her beauty. Actually I remember watching the like a virgin tour on television and wishing for eyelashes too, funny how we wished for the same thing.
This pulled me in like all great poems do,
-D -
i know i want to say something but i don't know what it is...i like the serpentine factor...i know that much....ttyl aurora
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