Under the blue linen of the eastern skies
You set sail for the journey’s last
The river crossed cannot be entered twice
The dust you kissed is not just dust
You set sail and left me on the lonely shores
To whisper farewells and bite my lips in pain
Counting the days we gazed at heaven’s doors
And pondered the weird constellations’ names
Remember: you told me of the dolphins in Pacific
Of their clever tricks and smiles that bother men
You told me things amazing, and things terrific
I still preserve them in the heart the best I can
You were my lighthouse to lead me out of storm
You were the keeper of my dreams, my dear guide,
You were a better part of me and now you’re gone
To seek your truth in the eternity of light
The fleeting smell of sage and books you left behind,
And haunting echoes of your merry laughter
Still egg me on to keep my thoughts aligned
Along the lines of love and hope to last me ever after
Author notes
Written to honour the memory of my Grandfather, whom I love immensly and whose words are forever in my heart. I miss you, Tiska.
A contest entry
- Never Forget, Never Let Go by trista.
450 points, ended November 30, 2007, 27 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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P.S.
I can leave applause now.
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There is no need for an applause, you've already given me the most precious thing that you could in the present circumstances - your priceless opinion
Jan
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nice poem.
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Thank you! And thank you to your applause as well!
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Hi Jan,
I just somehow lost the majority of the comment I wrote.
I'll do my best to reconstruct it...
Firstly, this leaves me with so many emotions, from melancholy to bittersweet memories, loss and a deep rooted love. When I read the author note it made a lot of sense to me that I'd also felt this was about someone who left a deep imprint on you and perhaps shared a great deal of wisdom.
So many of your lines are absolutely beautiful…
“Remember: you told me of the dolphins in Pacific
Of their clever tricks and smiles that bother men”
and
“The fleeting smell of sage and books you left behind,”
being just a couple of my favorites. It brings imagery and other senses into the write, which I am always a fan of, and gives it a personal feeling. The things you’ve chosen to include were wisely picked from what I suspect are a thousand such things you could have said. But what is here makes me feel like I could know this person, or at least know what kind of a person you’re writing about, and that I would have liked him immensely.
The only line I wasn’t crazy about is the phrase, “egg me on”. For me, it has a rather negative connotation attached to it. So in a poem so filled with love, it didn’t seem to fit. I know both culture and personal experience can play a huge part in how we perceive certain words and phrases, so this might be completely different for you, or I could be missing something in my reading of the poem.
That aside...Both poetically and emotionally, this has the impact and power I’d hoped to see in this contest. Thank you so much for entering a wonderful tribute to someone whom I believe will always be a huge part of you. It has made for the perfect last read of my day here at AP.
Good luck and best wishes always,
~J.
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Dear Trista!
First off let me thank you for the silver - I can only hope I deserved it...
Reading comment made me reread the poem and again feel a lot of stuff I wish I didn't. I'm a complete and irreversible emotional weirdo. I seem not to grasp the notion of the wonderful concept of "what-doesn't-kill-me-only-makes-me-stronger"
Sorry. I don't know why I wrote this instead of just saying a sincere thank you.
You are always generous with praise, and just with your words.
I have a tiny thing I really want to ask of you. Hope it won't be too much. I really want to make this poem better, as there is something I wish to do with it when I get a chance to visit my home and Grandpa.
Can you please be more harsh with it and please-please suggest me a substitute for that hideous "egg me on"/ I just realized its exact translation - it is very out/
Thank you so much,
Jan -
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Hi Jan,
Sorry it took me a bit longer to get back to you than I intended.
It's difficult to be more "harsh" with this because I love it so much. I'll give what I can for suggestions, just keep in mind that it's really only personal preferences. Ultimately there is no right or wrong way to write poetry. As long as YOU are happy with it, that is the most important thing. And I think this is a poem you can definitely be proud of.
For the "egg me on" phrase, there are a number of words you could work with...
steer, drive, press, incite, push, lead, encourage, counsel, and direct, just to name a few. Using just one of them as an example: "Still counsel me to keep my thoughts aligned"
Beyond that...the 1st and 4th stanzas seem to veer from the rhyme scheme a bit, so that might be something to look at. The 1st stanza doesn't have quite the same flow as the others, maybe because a couple of the lines are quite a bit shorter in syllable count compared to the others. The problem is, I really like the meaning in the 1st stanza, and the lines, especially those in the 4th stanza. IF you were to change S4, lines 2 and 3 are ones I would definitely keep.
Stanza 3:
L1 "Remember: you told me of the dolphins in Pacific" Grammatically, you would normally put the word "the" before "Pacific". However, I've read poets who disregard that and often word it as you have...and I like the way you have it, so would not encourage you to change it. I think it adds to the poetic quality and appeal.
L4 "I still preserve them in the heart the best I can" Maybe..."in (my) heart" instead of using "the" twice? However, you use "my" twice in the following stanza so it's a tough call which might be better.
The good thing is, they aren't the kinds of words you normally notice if they're repeated.
Stanza 4:
L1 "You were my lighthouse to lead me out of storm" Similar to how you worded "dolphins in Pacific", but in this instance I think I would prefer seeing it grammatically correct with "storms" instead. Just "storm" seemed kind of...abrupt, maybe?
I've made a push in my own writing lately to try and use more and better punctuation, feeling that it's easier to control the flow and guide the reader through my thoughts. I really didn't see a problem with that here - it reads well and is easy to follow, so think that is completely up to you, whichever way you are more comfortable. I only bring it up because this reads fairly quickly, and you'd have the ability to slow it down a little if you wanted to.
That's really all I can think of, and believe me when I say I feel I'm being very nit picky. Even if you don't change a single word this is a wonderful poem. I would not have given it the silver if I thought anything else. I'm glad you have something special planned for it, as it truly deserves it.
Just for the record...I think whoever coined the phrase, "what-doesn't-kill-me-only-makes-me-stronger" was probably trying to convince themselves not to jump off a high cliff at the time. I do think there's truth in it...and maybe we don't have to completely understand it to have it be true, because I believe you are stronger than you suspect or believe yourself to be. 
Love ands
~J.
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