I brought you a present.
Only a photo of something I’ll give you tomorrow
Shrink-wrapped (oh, your stoner eyes) in a photo album.
(More promises)
That, too, is a promise:
“‘Til death do us part.”
I’m still alive. But that’s just me.
Your eyes are quiet and
Still as Joshua’s celestial bodies.
A new death awaits every activity.
A graveyard suntan.
A stovetop incineration.
Who needs to jump off a bridge
With a commode in the house?
Don’t be foolish.
Author notes
POD?
A contest entry
- The POD by Arkbear.
300 points, ended September 17, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Write on.
*PEACE* -
interesting piece.
i read this 3 times and still couldnt make head or tails of it. *sigh* of course keep in mind friend, i dont usually dig deep enough to figure it out. I got the first part then it lost me.
Best of luck to you in the contest
Tory
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I have a feeling that if I were the person this was written about (or to?) I would understand it much better than I do. Reading it reminds me of the "inside" jokes my friends and I used to share, or those subtle looks couples give each other with meanings only they know. I think it's possible to put some of that "mystery" into a poem, yet still not make the majority of readers feel left out. (Which, unfortunately, I did.
) Although author notes would have been helpful with understanding this write, most published poetry doesn't offer that luxury, so I'd really like to get a better understanding from the poem itself.
Lines 8 and 9 really stood out to me with good imagery. Your title - I have mixed feeling over. Seems there is a clue there to the intent of the write, but maybe I'm not quite awake enough today to figure it out.
Easily, I'd say originality and creativity are the strongest parts of this poem, and certainly it leaves me with much to think about.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
Hmmmm.......
....not your everyday run-of-the-mill poems ~
....also....not a good way to leave a Judge....guessing in the wind ~
I agree with your new Judge, guttermouth, that you could
have used your Authors' Notes to slip us a cheat sheet for this write ~
A great poem, is not always necessarily the poem that is hard to figure out....yet it is the poem which we can not ONLY figure out, but walk away satisfied at the same time ~
I found your flow was interrupted by all CAPS at the beginning of each line ~
Not a fan of it ~
Title.......not befitting your write....just my own opinion ~
Ummm.....I do see you have talent....but to use that talent
and bury it within fragmented thoughts is not wise ~
This also makes it hardto Judge Theme and Depth ~
I hope to see you try again Poet!
These scores will allow you to see what we expect from these contests ~
Be well and thanks for entering!
:)
Bear ~
Title 8.5
Flow 8.3
Depth 6.0
Theme 6.0
Feelings 7.5
Grammar 7.8
Presentation 9.7
Uncommonness 9.5
Sit & Ponder Affect 7.5
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 80.8
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Title - I like the title, but I'm not in love with it. A nice homonym. 7/10
Appearance - The scan was a little rough for me. There was a lot of punctuation usage in this piece which I found a bit distracting. 7/10
First Impression - The first time I read through this, I really couldn't get a good grasp of your inspiration or what you were trying to get across. I looked for some author notes to help me out for the 2nd read, but couldn't find any. 5/10
Rule Adherence - Could find no violations of rules. 10/10
Rhythm - Despite the overall appearance at first scan, the rhythm didn't break up as I expected it would. It actually held up nicely. 9/10
Imagery - I think a lot of this was a bit beyond me without having some idea of where you were coming from on it. You had some descriptive writing, but the graveyard suntan and jumping off a bridge with a commode in the house just didn't sit in well with me. 7/10
Originality - Definitely original, I found this to be a very unique offering. 10/10
Spelling - I found no spelling errors. 10/10
Grammar - Some of the "sentences" shouldn't have been left where they were. I saw several broken sentences and sentence fragments. 6/10
Ease of Understanding - This was the toughest part for me, when writing a piece like this, I feel it is very important to offer some notes on your thoughts or inspiration. 5/10
Total score: 76/100 -
wow this is pretty deep. leaves much food for thought in my eyes. best of luck in the contest. be well and be blessed
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