Confession is over rated
it does little to cleanse a soul
or erase remainders never stated
best wisdom keeps its consul;
guilt is written on faces of regret,
indifference, an altar to just forget.
[But I will speak to the moon.
It has seas of emptiness
and does not mind company.]
Sweet serene smiling orb...pallid eye of night
so softy held within your glow, heart of my delight;
and bending your kind ear, to hear my whiny song
for I am about confession, this entire night long.
Just outside, my magnolia has not blossomed at all
and the summer has long since passed; to fall
in coolness I have closed the bedroom windows
where she would lie defying me and sleep; and knows
she no longer holds pillows to her gaunt hollows…
[she has gone.]
And so to the gossamer face of setting moon
the sun has marched from rise to toward noon
and I confess, my loneliness, which passes well
alone- oft desired state- but only-ness dreads to dwell.
For in breath we hope, if only for another. Life respires
gulping it down, and lusting for more, and desires
not beyond by reach, for I dream. And the fires
still burning and bright in the night, beneath the moon
and magnolia bare limbed, blossomless, but maybe... soon.
So I take my leave of this genuflect in the still of night
thank the moon for gift of strong shouldered insights.
Confession is over done, no tally, no lost or won,
what is the gain of reliving pain, better if done again?
done right this time, won’t hurt as much; one wonders so.
Good night moon, time for me to confess...to my pillow.
Author notes
Inspired by the works and stylings of Robert Lowell
A contest entry
- Rhyme Time by Danna Hobart.
375 points, ended October 12, 2007, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-write Contest: Love Poetry by Nicole Hanna.
15000 points, ended January 28, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Thanks for entering! THe second stanza is delicious.
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very pretty. Lovely imagery.
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Great use of imagery and metaphor in this lovely read good luck with it in this contest
Cara 
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Because I got so many entries, I am going to judge this a little different than I normally do. On the contest page the challenge was to write a rhyming poem that shows instead of tells, with imagery and metaphor galore. In addition to those things, I am going to take the meter and rhythm into account along with originality. So I am going to award points for each of those things and then sort of tally them at the end to decide on the winners.
Show vs. Tell: 35/100
You has nearly double the number of telling lines than you had lines that showed.
Concrete Images: 70/100
Your main image was the moon. You also used magnolia blossoms, pillows, and fire.
Metaphor/Simile/Allusion: 80/100
The metaphors I found in the poem was of the fires burring in the night and the magnolia blossoms and the light.
Originality: -20
You use some cliché lines:
Confession is over rated
beneath the moon
I take my leave
Good night moon
Meter: 50/100
When read aloud, I found the meter to be inconsistent to my ear.
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Thank you Danna
very helpful critique, a poem I like enough to rewrite; can add show with active verbs, less passive; firmer POV... yes...PK
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Wow. Great words, great rhythm... Your rhymes seemed to rhyme so seamlessly so perfect. It flowed so well that it seemed as if it could be one big chunk, and it would not matter. wow.
Great job! -
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Thank you Tears
For reading and for your wonderful comment...PK
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This is excellent! The structure and flow is seamless and very interesting, the imagery is inspired. Loved "guilt is written on faces of those with regret,
indifference, altar of those who can just forget".
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You know what, when I first looked at this poem I thought, "Oh no, this isn't going to be good. The stanzas aren't nearly equal in size, so there won't be a syllable pattern or any meter... and this doesn't look like this will flow well at all"... however, when read aloud, this sounds great. Almost like performance rhyme, somewhat.
I like this. Very nice, powerful poem. -
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Thanks for the read
very helpful comments...PK
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Thank you
Thank you Laura... for taking time to read... so very much appreciated...PK
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