Hexagonal
honeycomb floor
of 5 million filthy footsteps-
engine sounds
drone like wasps sealed
inside the industrial dyeing machines-
sticky jam
sarnies blow raspberries
which echo our collective canteen thoughts.
Reminders
of clear sunshine exist
only in sweet summer memories
of cloying ice cream
oysters and Co-op lemonade.
The 5 o' clock buzzer
signals tea time-
serving yet another reminder
that we are merely insects in an adam(ant) mechanism.
Author notes
POW FLOORBOARDS
In a list
A contest entry
- The POW by Arkbear.
500 points, ended September 16, 2007, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - This is your contest not mine, no restriction what so ever. by nerd42189.
550 points, ended October 23, 2007, 61 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrite by Melissa Gayle.
360 points, ended September 24, 2007, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites! by aeolia.
380 points, ended January 19, 2008, 116 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 4:44 - a n y t h i n g by the chase.
900 points, ended October 26, 2007, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITES ALLOWED!! Twisted,Strange, Break-Ups, New Love.. by Stripes.
300 points, ended October 26, 2007, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Cleaning out the closet [My Favourites Only] by Naridill.
425 points, ended November 9, 2007, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - All Forms, All Subjects by something wicked.
600 points, ended November 24, 2007, 32 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Favorite Poems by Avatar of Innocence.
400 points, ended December 27, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite Festival: Round One [For My Favorites Only] by Tangled Angle.
490 points, ended December 8, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I want a lot of poems... by love my jose luis.
900 points, ended February 21, 2008, 125 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best of the best... by Jfd.
1500 points, ended February 3, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - life after death by Shelby K.
500 points, ended February 9, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - THE WORLD QUICKIE by The Jigsaw Poet.
400 points, ended March 4, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Best of the Best by Desdmona.
1400 points, ended April 1, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 43 of 43
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Hiyer Alex,
Hmm...
This pretty much sounds like an extended version of a honey bee haiku.
Hehe
Hey, come on, even it's droning facet entailed has got quite a sting.
Okay, I'll put on me pensive-ish face and try to wrap me 'ead around yer Poetic mechanisms here.
With such delicate use of the fallacy figure--
'...Hexagonal
honeycomb floor
of 5 million filthy footsteps....'-- The workplace itself slips away as a heavenly venue for the 'Mmm...fresh baked day', feeling and the immensity of the morning surrenders to the mundane minuteness of the daily grind.
This is the kind of clever word play and curious Poetic perception that indeed deserves some appreciation.
As for the artistic spin-- it's in the words.
Philosophy, Poetry-wise is certainly what I appreciate most, not only in this piece, but whichever--'Insects of the adam(ant) mechanisms'' is surely a neat collection of thoughts, some personal and therefore original, and some cut and pasted from the tedium choking the life out of the mundane lives-- this combination of things gripped my attention from the very start, even if the personal thoughts of the author might render some lines more vulnerable to losing the balance of the Poem's huge daringness found within it's (what could seem to some ) overly-vague and Byzantine abstractions caught up within its presentation.
Imagery - Fookin' fantastic!
Some of yer best I've come across thus far, full of heavy adjectives, a gamut of characteristics to each line/noun, a message so turgid, so beautiful and sticky-sweet sadistic at the same time: the batch of things represented (Is this the same fucking sentence I started way too many words ago? Bloody hell! It is! How does this happen? I dunno, but indeed, I need to get back to it.) here become confusing as one tries to relate to it with body and soul, but everyone knows yer gotta leave yer soul at home, work's no place fer it.
Even thence, this an amazing Poem, and indeed, it's something the eyes capture, as well the mind, and mine cannot help but appreciate it with a taste for moody atmospheres.
Fookin' Brill
Alex, I thoroughly enjoyed this Poem
Keep well,
'Anna
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This is good. It's like a serious version of "Bee Movie". I like the "5 million filthy footsteps". The imagery was awesome. Well done. Well done. Good job and good luck! ~Des
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This is a nice poem, but I don't think it goes with the subject of my contest. Sorry.
Thank you for your entry. -
this poem was quite interesting. but its not really what im looking for in my contest. keep up the good writing though.
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Insects of the adam(ant) mechanisms (Revisited)
I find it to be in poor taste that this piece suffered such a negative critique on my part. The more and more I think about it; the more I find myself referring to this particular piece when people are looking for an example of Abstract poetry. I believe this piece is an exceptional display of word play and convoluted thoughts. I’ve referred back to this piece many times, yet my understanding of its intended nature is still very unclear. You know a poem is special when you can still remember the opening stanza from over a year ago. "Hexagonal honeycomb floor of 5 million filthy footsteps---"
is a beautiful enigma of alliteration, and “engine sounds drone like wasps sealed inside the industrial dyeing machines-" is another brilliantly executed component of this poem. Those are my two favorites, by far. -
hmmm, you leave me with a lot to think about....I'm not sure if I can pinpoint exactly what about this poem that I like, but I did enjoy reading it, you have interesting ideas....nice job, thank you for entering
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Not bad and not good. But overall, it was well written and I like your perspective.
Great job and good luck!
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Not bad, and not good. A paradox of inbetweenness.
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I really like this piece because it has so much creativity and originality. Thank you so much for your entry and good luck in my contest.
~Maria -
adam ant a very high energized fellow
this was so creative
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After many rereadings, I was quite dumbfounded. I may be losing my mind. I do appreciate, and find intensely amusing, your metaphor of colonial insects with the military or the monotony of life (or is it vice versa). Though there are a few cliche'd thoughts (within your lines) this poem's merit as a true poem, and not just blabbing bullshit, is a paradigm of how poems should operate as an extension of thought and of the consumation of the thought by the audience.
How about these suggestions:
line 5: instead of drone "like" wasps sealed - why not take out like, the ambiguity takes place of that horrible simile signal, but also creates a better euphony.
line 9: take out "which" - unless you are creating a freudian inkblot image with your line length, the word is unnecessary-- leaving it in seems correct but looks and sounds a bit awkward or blunt in this poem.
The fourth stanza is an eyesore of cliche's: the words, the imagery, the whole thing has got to go. This stanza lacks painfully of guile, sophistication and ingenuity.
Last line as title: time-honored tradition, but effective nonetheless.
Okay? Shoot
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Oysters and co-op lemonade, one of the best lines i've read in a long time. I likes it.
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I’m a little unclear as what to make of this as a collective piece. Without any type of synopsis I found it difficult to conceive an accurate depiction what you were going for. When I sift through it, I get this emanating feeling of two people (who maybe live on a corner side or next to a road) remembering days gone by… and that’s it. Does second strophe correlate with your last? If so and if there’s a greater kind of philosophical meaning, it’s not present enough in this piece. I like the fact it’s a tad abstract, but with a nice mix of ketch wording. Your first two strophes are really intuitive, yet I feel as a whole, your words diminish as to their intended purpose. One a final note, I like the title, but I found it a bit gimmicky.
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Very cool. I loved the alliteration, it really gave this a good punch. The last line was a cool way to end it. Thanks for entering and best of luck.
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Adam Ant~~~! Was there ever a more spunky popper
This is beautiful, simple and stunning. THe imagery is light but is really effective. Nicely done on previous Gold.
Thanks for entering and much luck
~~~!
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Well done again, this is a great write of life and the seeming worthlessness of the individual...Scott
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Strange. Unique imagery. Lovely vocabulary.
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I like it
but unfortunately have to DQ it as it stands... 20 lines [of text] minimum. Sorry if that wasn't spelled out.
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Not bad
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solid write. the image often strays a little too far from the point. but its a stylistic choice, and i can respect that. i dont have enough valid criticism to really write much else.
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I liked the idea you had here but I didn't like the way you presented it...... I don't know what I'm trying to say. I loved the idea you were trying to convey, but the way you went about it wasn't good. Well, it was good, but it wasn't great. And I want great.
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I would have never guessed you wrote this. Not, because it's so good, just because you have such an eclectic style. No two of your poems look like the same person wrote them. I think that's so cool.
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"inside the industrial dyeing machines." - "dyeing" is bothering me here. Do you mean as to "dye" something another color or something? Or do you mean as in to cease to exist? If the latter then "dyeing" would be "dieing".
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I cannot tell you exactly why, but I love this!
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well deserving of gold. thanks for entering
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Perfect imagery, Dear Poet.
This piece is well qualified for the contest.
I imagine you've been writing for years,
and you've matured your style wonderfully.
Well Done!
~Chaos
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i really did not know where you were going with it and then your whole poem turned into a metaphor a great metaphor with you last line is the God awful truth. Thank you so much for entering my contest and congrats on being a finalist because i just loved your metaphor.
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Great Poem
Good Day Alex, Well I can see why you won the Gold with this one my friend. Great imagery and a pleasure to read. Hope all has been well with you. Take care, Sandy 
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Wow... I remember this feeling, having worked school holidays in a mushroom factory( Many years ago I hasten to add ) Many congratulations on the "Gold", very much deserved
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a like this yin boards, a can joost aboot picture chuck, the queen bee, (bees)waxin lyrical aboot fuck all.
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Congratulations on your well-earned shiny!Amazing poem!
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Congratulations and best wishes.
Love,
liquid -
What a fantastic poem more than worthy of a gold! Very well penned!
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congrads on the gold and i see why you have taken it with this poem, you did a great job on this, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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Wow, congrates on the Gold.
You weaved together a well versed piece.
Thanks for sharing, and pen on!
Peace, Timothy aka poeticweaver~
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Congrats on the gold wonderful imagery, enjoyed this poem
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So frikkin kewl ~
....ya know....if you can remember about a year ago,
I chose your work for being spotlighted ~
I always said you were a great Poet...and this write is of no exception ~
Just watch out for an overload on met's....sometimes they can hurt ~
Simple....yet Very strong in imagery....emotions....depth....etc ~
Love the journey you took the Reader on....you
took an everyday occasion and made it your own themed write......loved it!
Here is how I saw your entry ~
Oh....best read thus far ~
....thanks for coming back this week!
Bear ~
Title 10
Flow 9.8
Depth 10
Theme 10
Feelings 9.7
Grammar 9.7
Presentation 9.7
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 10
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 98.9
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Wow...I really (really!) love this. I think it's a feeling many could relate to, feeling like an insignificant being in the workplace. There is little for me to "critique" in this...a comma after the word "ice cream" perhaps? Your imagery is wonderful and with the perfect touch of metaphor. One line tripped me up a bit: "baps blow raspberries". Although there is technically nothing wrong with the word "baps" I think another word might be a better descriptive and perhaps not "trip the tongue" quite so much. Really though...an outstanding job in my opinion.
Best wishes,
~J.
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This is good. the counter thing got 28 because of the spaces... I don't know why it ocunts the spaces as lines... oh well. lol. you did a good job writing it tho! keep it up!
Crimson -
good stuff, the 'human-as-insect' metaphor can be a difficult one to get right without it sounding forced - this is really original. i particularly like the first stanza, really nice flow of sounds.
nice one!
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ohh wow this is brilliant xxx
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Particularly liked the first stanza,it could stand alone,also liked "collective canteen thoughts" the poet is surely English for the descriptions take the reader around cyberspace and back to the UK,at last,someone who understands jam yet the Co-op was the give away...
The play on words within words within the title is apt,the drones are adamant,without faux bones through nose or fancy jackets ( Adam Ant)
Thought provoking.
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Wonderful imagery, metaphors which are well-said and at the same time easy for someone even as dumb as me to understand. I think we all feel this way sometimes about being trapped in whatever place we call work. Wonderfully done!
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