Taking many steps
beyond that line
that I drew in the sand.
Where black birds fill the orange sky.
Shadows of people
talk to strangers,
who shop in the village,
and cry alone.
The carriages bring the workers in
through the wretched rain,
while cold wet children
roam the streets,
with terror in their eyes.
The Magistrate
bails himself out,
to buy the gin,
that feeds the evil.
The October moon
settles in your eyes now.
Your wandering soul
breathes in the cold air.
Hiding like a broken wolf,
panting and ready to pounce.
The lines of men
that wait for women and work,
drink hard to pass the time.
While the factory's and the brothels
conspire with the unions,
to eradicate hope.
A contest entry
- Ashamed to be Human - Collection Point II by Death of the Author.
450 points, ended September 15, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 76 of 76
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wow...i really really like this...the imagery here is awesome...reminds me a little of sheffield...my nearest city...this rocks...thanks
T
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you have brought this message around and given it the pen i have found well said .. awesome Hugs Angel♥
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very awesum and dark enjoyed it from go to woe cool pen indeed
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wow, such a dark piece..
Kind of creepy and erie..
Yikes i have the cold chills up my spine now..
*grabs my blanket and hides*
Makes me want to watch over my shoulder . lol
Awesome amazing piece, hun
Mandi
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This is definitely a dark, cold poem, but I don't see how it fits the zombie prompt.
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your poems all hold stories and such storries!!
this is cool. cool cool coo -
"The lines of men
that wait for women and work,
drink hard to pass the time.
While the factory's and the brothels
conspire with the unions,
to eradicate hope."
Nice poem, very well written.
Thanks for your entry and good luck! -
Dark!
Not the best poem for my bedtime read!
This almost reads like a short horror tale. 
You're really good with story poems, building strong imagery & you choice of words lends to a clear and crisp write. 
I think I'll be dreaming of black birds 
in orange skies & wolves 
getting ready to pounce. 
I'm 
Signing out.... Glad you won that HM but really this should place higher. Keep putting this one in Contests!
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Points for entering great write!!!!!!!
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Good reflection of darkness
in human's wretched state and loved the blackbirds in orange sky...intensely beautiful imagery. Skillful and smart write. Thanks for entering! -
what can i say about this poem and your writing that has not been said already.you don't pick up a
pen and write.the pen and paper are an extension of you.you're just a natural a what you do.
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this is a very visual write and as i read i felt coldness, you never cease to draw me in!
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nice usage of metaphors...and great imagery of the dark dead mayhem...
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As I read this I can imagine myself walking down an old western dirt road and seeing all that you are describing on both sides of the road. A very vivid visual you have created here!
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gah!
once again, i applaud you for going 'outside the box' with your word selections. it makes you seem so much more sophsticated!!!
Mylee -
Very interesting metaphors and images. Thank you for entering my contest.
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Evil is abound. Everywhere you look, you cannot escape its gaze. What are we going to do with all this eradicated hope?
We must remember that the reason things are so horrendous is because it takes a lot to hold us down. But once we realize the game how fast it will be to eradicate the orchestrator's of all this dark mayhem...
Excellent write by brother!
Keep fighting the fight with your words of wisdom.
Jen
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greate imagery, flows nicely
in line 13 did you mean breathes instead of breaths?
im adding you to my favovrites
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Loves it:)
The title is eye-catching and the storytelling skilled, as usual. You've created a mood that reflects the fallen nature of mankind...constantly conspiring to advance self and smother the dreams of others.
Such vivid imagery
"Your wandering soul breathes in the cold air,
hiding like a broken wolf,
panting and ready to pounce."
grrrr....That's good stuff.
In times of desperation such as these, we can fall to levels we didn't think we were capable of. Without a source of hope beyond this world...we are all in danger of becoming the ones we loathe.
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Bravo! A wonderful poem of poverty and greed and the era of depression which caused much pain and suffering, reducing men to drink and women to sin. Some great metaphors here make this especially dark and foreboding adding to the subject theme. Well done my friend !
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Great entry. This stanza particularly stands out.
Shadows of people talk to strangers,
who shop in the village,
and cry alone.
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Thanks for your entry in my contest
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So simple, but effective
This poem is all about subtlety. I love the dark undertones and metaphors. Well done. Best of Luck in my contest. -
Ohh, very George Orwell. So many fantastic lines that I had trouble picking just one to highlight but I really dig:
"Hiding like a broken wolf,
panting and ready to pounce."
The imagery there takes my breath away! You paint such magical images with your penstrokes, my friend!
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Excellent
Wow, quite a write, indeed. It is very well written, and you certainly succeeded in painting a picture of despair. I hope this write wasn't based on personal experience.
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I enjoyed every minute of reading this! This piece has captured my mind in process, it is just a beauty!!
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It is a task-albeit and enjoyable one- to find a poem of yours i have not read. This one keeps it's siblings proud. Its funny, because I read them at all the right times! "Taking many steps beyond that line that I drew in the sand."
"The October moon settles in your eyes now.
Your wandering soul breaths in the cold air.
Hiding like a broken wolf,
panting and ready to pounce."
Breathing it all in......refusing to exhale.
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Well put! ^_^ Best of luck!!!
~Salence -
Wow, I am in complete awe. You have penned such a heart wrenching piece here that I struggle to find the words to praise it. Fantastic imagery here. Good luck
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Reminds me of something from a Jack the Ripper film. In the dark and dreary back alleyways of London. Dark, macabre, and delicious. The sorrow and pain and danger is thrilling and exquisite in this piece. You make down-right gritty look beautiful, and effortless. Great writing.
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This screams of the industrial revolution! I love the emotion filled words you have written here. I felt the terror, could smell the gin, I could feel the despair you were communicating here. You never cease to amaze!~Leah
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This is reminiscent of Orwell's 1984. I could literally picture your poem in my head. Such vivid imagery. Popping out of the page at me! I have read this previously, I simply did not have words to say what I would have liked to so I didn't. That is the effect great poetry has on me sporadically. What a tone you have set here with orange skies, crying shadows, cold wet terror-eyed children,evil gin, broken wolves, the eradication of hope... such images to chill the bones!~Leah
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Powerful
poem that you have written.. filled with vivid imagery and a very strong message.. I enjoyed reading this very much.
thank you for entering & good luck
kat
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forgot my applause
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Strong poem. WOW! This was an amazing read. Keep up the fantastic job. You are a true poet. The imagery was amazing.
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I hear you.. the unions are needed but.. they want too much then they fold.. and then we all lose.. hunger at the door.. it plays out a lot down here.beautiful write absolutely
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Wow... this is such strong imagery...
"Taking many steps beyond that line that I drew in the sand.
Where black birds filled the orange sky."
"Shadows of people talk to strangers,
who shop in the village,
and cry alone."
I love these two stanza's. Wish you luck in any of the contests
Noir xx
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The October moon settles in your eyes now.
Your wandering soul breaths in the cold air.
Hiding like a broken wolf,
panting and ready to pounce.
the above is fantastic, and that last line, echos the unheard opinions of many great stuff again ( :
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You words paint an intense image of parts of life that are too abundant. It has nothing to do with the beautiful visions that often unfold before our mind's eye in our dreams. The ugly things life is shaped into is the work of the spirits trapped in this set of dimensions that have no prospect on ever being present in better places and times. They do everything to make their misery part of the life of those who are still able to dream. The metaphor in this poem is hard hitting. But the situation it expresses will still not be able to keep us away from our dreams. Thank you for creating and sharing. Take care,
Chris
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It's definately good. I love the imagery. It really is descriptive and is really good. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck
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Another incredibly deep piece. I am sure that I have seen you around before however I must have missed all of this extraordinary writes... well either way, keep it up.
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Ooh, the images are popping up like wildfire! Very vivid, great imagery. Thanks for entering!
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Very solemn, very visual....
Thank you for recommending this to me, I really felt the anguish and despair... You truely are a gifted and wise poet, and I hope you continue to write on this site... And one day, we'll all be in Poet's Paradise and speak in verse forever more.. Blessings.
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lots of imagery and a great flow.
thanks for entering!
cheer,
s -
I really like the imagery and the way that you used colou in the first stanza... they were my favorite parts of this poem... although the ending is wonderfully hard-hitting and powerful I really enjoyed this
Keep writing
Polly -
Fantastic imagery, strong flow and unique style
.♥.
Stay safe
~Manda
(\__/)
(='.'=) ♥
(")_(") -
Eggcellant
dude I love it. You want to join the Dark Carnival?
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amazing.
that was so well put. i really appreciate a write with thought behind it. and this one is definitely one of those.
specifically, i loved the first two lines and the last two. but i have no clue how the beginning really fits with the rest of the poem.
peace.
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That was really pretty And well said.
You def. have a way with words. Great write here. <3 -
wow!
With these kinds of poems, I can't believe it's in the shameless box
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i forgot to applaud and I tried to edit it and add applauding but it wouldnt let me... so Im leaving another comment so I can aplaud...obviously
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wow
I love the image you penned here. The title matches the poem itself perfectly, and it was overall an enjoyable read. Awesome job! -
Very impressive.
This is very well written, Mr. Poe
"Your wandering soul breaths in the cold air.
Hiding like a broken wolf,
panting and ready to pounce."
Really stuck out at me...The image you painted was very well received.
Good job, and I will read more.
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WOW
This is really great
Whatever it is that inspires you,
keep it going! -
Very nice! I like the metaphors in this one.. It's thought provoking..And sad, but beautiful!
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Love it! Kept my interest and you used descriptive imagery.
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Hanuting; the wrinkles of age and time too old to be seen., like your stanze here:
The lines of men that wait for women and work'
... stunning visuals, you do what a camera does with a view, only with structure.
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Powerful and intriguing
the colors and imagery are lovely and it seems almost primal the way you describe it...I know there is a story behind this somewhere and it seems to pull me in
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very nice!i love the words you put into this poem!i love the ending its pure and sweet!to tell you the truth i think this one of the best poems on this website!well i have to go!bye,as i always say always try your best and never give up!
sincerely,
sweetdancer (yasmine) -
OUT STANDING
Black birds fill the orange sky...As the mind swirls done in time...October Moon settles in the eye...cold air and a broken wolf...panic seems to fill the air as one day bites the dust...Powerful read from a wonderful poet!...Thank you Ten Bears for sharing with me
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I like it. The imagery is wonderful. Its a very good poem, its flows easily and it has a nice tone, however forlorn that it is.
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Sorry, I just noticed that I already commented before, but dark titles attract my attention.
I still love this poem, but I found that it was even better with the second read. I felt more this time around. I actually felt sadness this time. The poor children suffering. That was written very well.
Keep it up! -
The thing that strikes me most about this write is it's earthiness.. it's basicness. There are no flowers or hearts or frills. It shoves your face in the grim reality of life and then stomps hard.
There is a lot of symbolism here and you have used it to perfection. Also, the contrast of the white background and plain black font adds to the feeling of bleakness and loss. You have a wonderful grasp of description and are able to use words to perfection.
My only (small) gripe would be your use of punctuation. This causes the read to be more prose that poem, but other than that, I really can't fault this piece.
I'm glad I stopped by to catch this. Good luck with future writings.
~ fox
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interesting! i can picture every line of it in my mind. Great job!
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interesting, and i can picture dark, soot covered streets with smelly liquor alley ways. good job, and the last line, great. i think false hope is being thrown around to much these days and ruining the lives of good people who feel desperate
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This reminds me of the scene in some neighborhoods.
On one street you'll see a church, a liquor store, a church, a pawnshop, a liquor store, a church, a liquor store....
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Excellent
The most impressive aspect of this poem is its imagery. It draws upon the varied spheres of life - professional, casual, personal, social and so on. I love the economy of words and curious expressions and turn of phrases. Though it is a small poem, it has the large canvas of a novel, as it surveys different cross-sections of life. It transcends the real and imaginative realms to reach the subliminal. Starting with a simple yet striking statement, it leads the readers through the whole gamut of contemporay life and leaves them breathless by the innovative expression in the end.
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Oh my, thank you so much for finding the time or taking the time to read my work. Your comments were prolific and articulate. You seem to have an over head awareness of this entire peace, which leads me to believe that you are an interesting writer.If I might read your work to satisfy my curiosity, and thank you again.
MANY BLESSINGS,
LOWELL POE
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Wow. This is a pretty cool poem that you have going on here. I'm glad you asked me to come and read it. I've been kind of distracted lately so I could use a little direction! lol You had a lot of really great poetic imagery lines in this. One of my favorites was the black birds against the orange sky. I think it was kind of neat because as I was reading it, it had a downward spiral feel to it and I think that was what you were going for wasn't it? It's good.
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Wonderfully presented
I love the dark concept of a time that all was allot of hardship. As I read you words I could picture the an image well written. In fact what I wanted was more of this story. For I see there is still room for add ons to continue this amazing piece. It a very interesting and intriguing write. You words spoke to me with the despair and sadness of that era.
LISA
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I could feel the weight of both the intangible sorrow and more tangible cold, rainy weather. In my mind's eye I see a period around the late 1800's where children are forced to work in sweat shops and the life expectancy was very low for everyone. Where happiness and contentment were in very short supply while misery and explotation were abundant. Great write.
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"The lines of men that wait for women and work,
drink hard to pass the time.
While the factory's and the brothels conspire with the union,
to eradicate hope."
wow! i love this! its so well expressed. great piece!
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I enjoyed reading this poem. My favorite line actually was: "Shadows of people talk to strangers who shop in the village, and cry alone." That had such mystery to it, that I read it over and over again to get a full meaning of it. You are a very talented writer! Keep up the awesome work!
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so sadly conveys the falling world poems like these you wish there lies but you know there not this peice flows quite well and wow your talent is one of the more fresher ones i've on this site
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"The October moon settles in your eyes now.
Your wandering soul breaths in the cold air.
Hiding like a broken wolf,
panting and ready to pounce."
Your imagery is wonderful and it enthralls me. Your talent is amazing.
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My God...all the imagery in this is AMAZING...
"The carriages bring the workers in through the wretched rain,
while cold wet children roam the streets,
with terror in their eyes."
This was all very powerful and sad...this is a great piece of poetry.
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