The twisted strains of a melody
echo hauntingly
through the endless expanse
of my mind,
the sweet
singing lullaby of a child
increased
into tortured anguished
screams.
The slaughtering
of a child’s innocent soul
lost and forgotten
in a broken world
of spinning voids
and black hearts.
A never ending nightmare
gaining momentum
and shattering souls.
Copyright
(c)
Brittany Budzinski 2006
A contest entry
- Sleep Sweetly and Keep Me Company by Plastic Dreams.
750 points, ended September 19, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Show Must Go On Round 1 of 5 by Willowhaunt.
450 points, ended September 28, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - From Trash to Treasure by star wars fanatic.
1500 points, ended February 22, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I really like the imagery in this piece, yet I didn't care for the repetition of twice mentioning a child. Perhaps the sweet lullaby of something else? That would add more interest to the piece. Hmm, perhaps add a little something between screams and slaughtering to make it even more dark and powerful. This piece really has the potential to be insanely profound! Let me know if you choose to edit.
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"the sweet
singing lullaby of a child
increased
into tortured anguished
Screams."
I loved this poem, but it did seem to be written in haste and it lacked...resolution? I'm not sure if that's the word I'm looking for...but there is a fine line between remaining engagingly mysterious and being downright confusing.
I think if you spent a little more time and did some more proof reading, this may have been a spectacular poem. As it is, it's pretty good.
Keep Quilling,
Whiskey -
Seems to be something missing in between the lines "scream: and "the slaughtering." Think you need to work on the poem more. Nonetheless, I enjoyed the poem. Lik Plastic Dreams said, it's powerful.
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this seems that it may have been written quick.
but none the less has a powerful message.
a sicker of the twisted that pulls at the heart.
a cradle robbed and a rapture done.
"the slaughtering of a child's innocent soul"
powerful. thank you -
Oh my gosh!! That's haunting!! I take it back, don't read any of my poems! That is so fabulous, and I love your phrases. I would quote some of my favorites back to you, but the whole poem just sort of hit me, and I am completely and totally impressed!! Everything was wonderful, fantastic poem!!
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