The world of the pavement
was ordered
if such a thing exists.
The ants knew what was wrong
and how to go about
fixing it.
They worked towards
that common cause.
. . . and then the wind came
and the rules changed.
There was nothing the ants could do.
Author notes
I came up with this I was thinking about how everytime someone seems to come up with a solution there always seems to be something that gets in the way of it working.
It has been suggested that line 3 and 11 be removed, what do you think?
A contest entry
- Poetry Contest II by Don Michael.
600 points, ended September 26, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What is good? What is bad? What do you get from this?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I like this poem. It really relates to real life without just blatantly saying what you feel, it gives an example of something else that everyone knows. Great job
..I think you need to leave those two lines in, they add to the detail of the poem. And if you like them, you should leave them, don't change your art just because someone else doesn't approve of it.
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I have to agree that lines three and eleven could be deleted. They really add nothing to the poem nor do they take away from it they are not there. The words that remain stand firmly intact all on their own. I like it!
♥ Touchof1der -
makes sense
no i dnt think anything should be deleted from the poem..infact i thnk that lines 3 and 11 are very imp. esp. 11.. .thts the whole point in my opinon... "There was nothing the ants could do" thats th epoint. we all play by the rules, try to somehow adapt, and when we do... its all gone, and the rules change and we gotta readapt and then readapt again.if that was your point then i totally share it. but the problem is that... if that that was the meaning you mean to put in it.. its not so clear.. you got the idea pretty great, but u havnt.. like.. expanded it. maybe that would help. This is just my personal opinion btw, am not much of a poet myself to actually give professional advice. but maybe you could get some ideas out of this. Hope i helped. and sorry for the long comment. hope it dsnt bother -
I think further explanation of what's wrong could benefit the poem, but brevity should be kept as is.
Short, sweet and to the point. Nice entry. -
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I was thinking of problems with society in general. I was afraid that making that more clear would add words without actually adding to my major point which is that the solution to a problem isn't fixed, situations change and so must the solution. Do you think adding a more specific problem will add to the point without detracting focus? I thought it might make it to specific.
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You could be right.
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YAY I like it cause it is not a poem all about you.
Try it without line 3 and the last line ( Line 11) . More poetic without them I think.
Good luck in the contest. Also, I'm not big for explaining things in Author's notes -- I want to make the experience my own personally, I don't really care what the writer of the poem was thinking, ya know? So bag the author's notes (in my humble opinion)
Good luck in the contest. Lisa
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I normally don't explain its just that recently in my poetry a lot of people have asked me to explain how I saw what I wrote, so I thought I would jump the gun, but yeah I don't think I like the results, it kind of cuts down the number of interpretations I am getting. Poos!
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I lk this poem! Its really good. Great job!
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