twilight on the lake
as the fog slithers around
the thicket towers
start to sway like open arms
but still looking like whisk broom
transformed from lake's bed
emerge frost effortlessly
on land wandering
whisking its sandy shore breeze
in form, moonlight whispering
~~**~~
rare beauty
among fog lit swept
under stars pillows swaying
on the crackling ground mist shapes her print
partook an understanding
impulse its teaching
willow leaves
Author notes
POW
Double Tanka -5/7/5/7/7
Septet-3/5/7/9/7/5/3
A contest entry
- The POW by Arkbear.
500 points, ended September 16, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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That's very good. The sentence structure was strange at first until it became clear that you didn't give a crap about sentence structure at all - and then I really enjoyed it. Very good! - oce
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wow thats really beautiful poetry i really like it
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Couldn't follow this despite some nice imagery. The placement on the screen was a dog and the whole, particularly after reading author notes, seemed artifial and contrived for a contest - always a pitfall
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Strong sense of image and music; an atmospheric piece that could be even more effective if it were clearer how individual lines/images relate to each other. Punctuation and singular/plural shifts make it difficult sometimes to follow the progression of images. There is a lot of potential here, though, and some good individual lines.
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Great imagery!
Your poem filled my head with images! I love the way that each line bears a description, and, although some may disapprove, I quite enjoyed the form of it all! Each poet has their own style, and it's hard to properly judge the free expression of emotion! Keep up the good work!
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Unusual style
My first impression is this has some nice picturesque phrases to it. Emotionally it gives the feelings of frost in the early morning even thought,the title is "Midnight On The Lake" for I have only observed frost in the early morning. The first line is ok and the last line is ok also. I don't have a favorite part. -
Wow ~
....another entry of Form.....impressed again ~
However...please make sure your poem
reads as poetically as a free verse....or it will cost you ~
Some Poets will write short stories...or epics...and
think this is what I am looking for....but it's not ~
....as well as Formed Poetry...which can delete the positive feeling of Poetry
displayed in syllable forced lines ~
You did okay here.....but you have to be awefully brave to enter the POW
with something written in Form ~
If I can not scream POW contender.....then it will not score very highly ~
This is how I saw your entry ~
....oh..Title....very cliche' ~
...thank you for your continued entries and positive atitude!
Good luck!
Bear ~
Title 8.5
Flow 9.1
Depth 8.7
Theme 9.1
Feelings 8.8
Grammar 9.6
Presentation 8.5
Uncommonness 8.4
Sit & Ponder Affect 8.4
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 89.1
Ouch!
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Thank u
Bear, sorry about the spacing the form would not sit up the first three times trying align in the middle. Saddie23
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My first thought...why such a huge space between the title and the poem? That made it feel a bit "disconnected" to me. I thought the two forms worked quite well together in this, and the imagery is easily pictured and interesting to read. I know many poets prefer not to use punctuation in their poems, but I think this would benefit from the use of commas and periods to slow the reader down and indicate breaks in thought. There are many things to love about this poem, only those couple of minor things I found distracting. Nicely done and good luck.
Best wishes,
~J.
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Thank u
I hope this doesn't cost me points into getting into the finalist. I'm glad u liked my poem and form.
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Great imagery, beautifully worded. Good luck.
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Thank u
Thank u for the beautiful sentiment given here, but still trying to tweak better.
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