~
His breath to snare,
feeding off essence
in woven satin to please,
crafting hushed soul
of artificial inner eye
as feathered touch to bruse
foreboding strangled serenity
leeched off,
as blood from generic wound
to stain impure thought
of sustained mortal.
Ringing wrath,
escaping lip
as lunar lament
whence celestial orbs do weep,
shall I sweep the sun away?
Seven tongues,
splilling serpent-venom
in veins of spewing green
womb of nature to pulsate,
for seedless is her son.
Passion to vehemence,
their curled fingers turn
upon narcissistic societies,
as deranged hamlets
from uttered lies,
take birth in sin.
~
Author notes
I have got no experience, except the three months I've been on this site, so if you have a few tips, or anything to criticise please do - if it's not bashing me, my poetry, degrading me and calling me a bloddy bastage.
A contest entry
- Anger - 24 hours by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended September 16, 2007, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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L9 "Gean" perhaps "gene" ? I'm not sure what you meant there.
L14 "narcist" did you mean "narcissistic" ?
Watch the phrasing with "do take" etc. "do _____." If overused, it would make the reader wonder you didn't say it like this: "takes"
In this poem, the phrasing is fine. I'm just saying, just be careful with the overusing of the "do ___." "does ______." phrasing.
Besides those few things, this is pure genius. So profound. -
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yo! thanks so much for the help, i edited the mistakes and changed the do___ does____ problem!!! thnx Tyler....and the compiment of a bloody bastage....
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You bloddy bastage. You're so brilliant. LOL
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