They accept the ups
But not the downs
A market fall
And all do frown
The price of a home
In positive terms
Is something that
They all do yearn
But when the price
Begins to drop
To fault, to waiver
And then to flop
The sounds resound
Eternally
‘It’s your fault’
They all agree
‘We didn’t sign
For less for more;
We want it back’
They all deplore
But oh how funny
Yes indeed
Is the sound of ignorant
Novice greed
The rules are there
For all to tame
But in good light
The fools refrain
From reading about
Their real position
They prefer another
Consumer injection
But if you find that
You disagree
Then don’t get burned
By a novice greed
As what goes up
Must come down
You played the game
So lose the frown
Do not complain
In one direction
If in the other
You’d barely mention
That the same group
That today you blame
Was yesterday
Your shining flame
It’s not supposed
To be easy
And certainly not
For you and me
The rules are there
You knew the score
You gave them licence
An open door
They took your risk
And profited some
And then got out
And they did run
Now you are left
With a poisoned cup
Good night, god bless
The best of luck
Author notes
I hear more and more people complaining about the sub-prime fiasco and the subsequent slump in credit. That's OK, but so many refuse to take responsibility for their part in the play.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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The message is valid and poignant, but from a poetic standpoint, the piece is very weak overall. I do not mean to insult you, and I would not say this if you did not post asking for critical feedback, but since you did I will be honest.
The rhyme is "forced." What I mean by that is to say that you have chosen some poor ways to phrase things just so you could keep a rhyme scheme. This is generally a bad idea. If you have to use awkward phrasing or word choices, then it is better not to rhyme. Lines three and four are perfect examples of this. "And all do frown" is pretty terrible.
If you are going to rhyme, then depending on the tone of the poem it is sometimes okay if your rhymes are not perfect. For example, "terms" and "yearn" do not really rhyme, but because the meter of the two lines and the two words match, this goes largely unnoticed by the reader's/listener's ear and does not disrupt the "flow" of the poem. However, such as in this verse:
It’s not supposed
To be easy
And certainly not
For you and me
Lines two and four have totally different meters, and even though "easy" and "me" both end with a long E sound, the lines do not rhyme because the meter is off and the flow gets broken. So again, if you are going to rhyme at all, do it carefully.
While the tone of this piece is not at all stoic, you mean to convey a rather serious message. In order for your readers to really take your points seriously, you will need to show them in a better-constructed frame. There is really no emotional weight to the piece, therefore you cannot "ride the coattails" of emotional impact to achieve success in delivering your message. -
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Thanks for your feedback and I appreciate your honesty!
One thing though, it is not suposed to be serious or carry any emotion - just a plain observation. I do not really have a great deal of sympathy for the subject either way.
That said, I will think about your comments and see what I can do!
Thanks again...
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This brought to mind the overall slump of the past couple of years in the real estate market, particularly with lines like "but when the price begins to drop." So many people have been disappointed at how what is supposed to be our 'greatest investment' lost so much value. All at a time when a lot of "novices" jumped on the profitable buy and resell trend.
I very much like the blunt approach you take in the piece. I very much enjoy people watching, and I feel you represent that behavior here. It's as if you're sitting back, watching the drama play itself out, and learning from the mistakes that everyone else makes.
Very nice, indeed.
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