Do you understand Sir?
What's happening today?
Do you understand we're here
To take your life away?
The deed is done, it's over
No don't look, just have a drink-
That bottle's nearly empty
Crack another, what d'you think?
I'm feeling kinda groggy
Achy, sore, and damn confused.
How d'y'all get inside my house?
The doors locked, ain't been used.
We don't need doors or windows Sir
We travel in the blood
I'm speaking from inside your head
I'm wading in a flood
Of all your hate and wanting
All that rage you've held in check-
Well we've arrived to free you
Please don't glance towards the deck..
Jesus Christ! Who did this?
Man crumples to the floor
I'm sorry if it's shocking Sir,
Were you expecting more?
Me? I didn't want nuthin'
Oh my wife, my darlin girl-
Forgive me, but you did it Sir
I watched it all unfurl
You drank all day and night Sir
Got home real late 'bout two-
Dragged her from her bed you did,
Said she'd been untrue.
Why the hell were you just watchin'?
Why the hell d'you let her die?
Sir, we aren't your keeper-
We are your soul, oh please don't cry.
I can't believe I did this..
Are you sure that it was me?
Don't ask for proof I beg you Sir
D'you really want to see?
If I show you your actions,
Let you see your hands, her blood
Then there is no saving you-
You'll drown here in this flood.
Tell me why I did it son,
Explain this horror please-
I knew I shouldna had that beer
That last one took my knees
I shouldna drank on anger
Shoulda come straight home from work
Oh God I've killed my baby
I musta gone beserk
Indeed you really did Sir
And now your soul is damned
We're here just for the clean up-
Not to scold or reprimand
What'll happen now then?
I can't think, what should I do?
I suggest you close your eyes now Sir
They're coming back for you.
You called the cops? well..good
I need to tell them what I've done
No need for explanations Sir
You're still holding the gun
I think they'll work it out just fine
What happened in this house
A man, a gun, some liquor-
Killed himself after his spouse.
Killed himself...?
Looks down
.
.
.
Oh...
Good luck Sir, you're going to need it.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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very powerful poem, wonderful read, pleased I found you..
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Whoa..........
This is a super write! Your words had me glued to my chair, and a little short of breath.
What a story, and your rhythm and rhyme are excellent!
I just love the ending.
Jeannette
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This is so so so good...a really strong write. I like how you have written as dialogue between the man and workers for hell or something (?) this reminds me of a song by Eminem, Conscience and its rhythm and rap is very similar to this...
This flows really well and could be converted into a rap song...good write
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Enjoyed this write, about a subject that happens all to often; a guy that had worked for a sub-contractor for our company supposedly did his wife in recently.
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Hell this hit hard.
Amazing. You've done such powerful themes justice, truly. The thought-tone captures the scene brilliantly..I'm not sure what to say..
Oh- forgot..I think there's a typo it the tenth stanza.
Real stomach-wrenching write.
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thanks hun-good catch! lol. not my usual style I guess, but then I don't exactly have one-kinda random like that! Your thoughts are most appreciated.x
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Hey, looks epic *reading*..
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Love the title Em and the concept. This reads like an alcoholic stream of semi consciousness. Indeed it's a volatile combination to drink to excess and have access to a gun, anger and alcohol both fuel the fool with his finger on the trigger. Thought provoking, perhaps this is the Last Conversation because he couldn't engage in the penultimate one of reason, either with himself or anyone else. This is something to read when sober and hopefully will wail a warning inside anyone who is not a member of one AA but the other type of AA, alcohol, anger, guns or cars, lethal.
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Absolutely awe-inspiring. Words really don't do it justice, but it flows very well considering it is almost in the form of a dialogue, and the rhyme scheme is very well thought of. A very thought-provoking and powerful message.
Well done, keep up the great work!
God bless,
ELW x
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Ok this piece kinda rules. You handled a back and forth conversation really well in rhyme, while still keeping it clear who is talking and when... that's a tough one to pull off. You also managed to finish with a great punchy ending. There are some little thing you could touch up here and there. You rhyme blood and flood twice... that's not necessarily avoidable in a piece this long, but you might want to consider changing that. The only other glaring rhyme is girl and unfurl... that's a little reachy. Everything else absolutely worked though.
Oh and there's a typo in the "I can't believe I did this" stanza that you can clear up really quickly.
Really nice work though, I'll fave list ya
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Brillant write! just grabbed us
by our guts, we couldn't stop reading it feeling the
pending doom. Was wonderful, excellent write, very
tightly done too. Good Good Job!
We've been seeing a lot of this type of scenario on tv
news and cold case reports..good god we say, what in
the world was he/she thinking....and that's the problem-
they were not! hijacked brain story-he may self-medicate
with alcohol, his true wound was : unresolved rage.
ears2hearyou
Kathleen : ))
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interesting very interesting i like how you unwrapped the story before us at the beginning we think he just died or killed himself but by the end we see the whole story and thats really cool it was also really nice how the flow just keeps the reader on a steady pace almost like a slide show or a movie no pausing for effect just there it is sorry that ya did it good luck to ya it really made the peice
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Flabber Gasted
I dont Know what to say
Its giving me Creeps I will try to Quit Drinking
sounds Like me Written for Me
Amazing work
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thanks for reading! Didn't mean to creep ya out, but hey if it made ya think then I'm glad
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Interesting creation of yours and easy to read. Thanks for passing it on. Reminds me of the opening scene for every second episode of CSI-something... not that I watch crime television.
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You used wonderful imagery and it was simply brilliant.
Well done!
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Brilliant! As clever as it is captivating... I applaud you...
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Whoa Well done. Very unique piece you have penned.
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Without a doubt in my mind, this has got to be one of the best things I've read in a long damn time. It reminds me of the song "You're all I need" By Motley Crue. Look up the lyrics and you'll see what I'm talking about. Love finally made the news. If I could give you ten points alone for this one, I would..
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thank you
I'll check those lyrics out
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wow. I'm rendered speechless, and I do not want a guy that drinks. I'm actually shaking, that one scared me. Gosh. A very good write, daisy. Very good. So good I may have nightmares tonight. But it was worth the read!
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Daisy this is an excellent piece It could have so easily have been done in free form That you went for rhyme only goes to show what a fine writer you are I loved it It was only just before the end that it dawned on me where you were heading Great finish to it Made even more enjoyable the second time around once i knew the finale Excellent
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thanks alot Legend, your words are much appreciated as always, I'm glad you liked it. xx
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wow this is strong the entire way through. to bad the little voices in our heads dont intervene before people do such extreme things though. great write!
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thanks so much for your words!
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You had me going from 'Do you understand Sir' Your imagery and word usage was spectacular...
"Killed himself...?
Looks down
.
.
.
Oh...
Good luck Sir, you're going to need it."
An Enjoyable Trip, Poet!
~ Nicholas
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thank you so much for reading, I'm glad that ending worked! x
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Wow!! That was intense! I have to say that is the best write I have commented on all day! I feel that you worded this poem magnificently. I understood each and every line. You have left me with the feeling of pure shock. An awesome plot and great words to back it up equals applause definitely!
Once again, Great Write!!!
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hey, thanks alot! x
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i dont know what to say....this is deep. but i didnt like the way you worded some words but i still understod it and i still like it.
"If I show you your actions,
Let you see your hands, her blood
Then there is no saving you-
You'll drown here in this flood."
This to me is the deepist part and the fact that my x husband was abusive...it means that this poem speaks to me. thank you for letting us read it
Diamond
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thanks for reading, nothing like my usual stuff, but I just do what the voices tell me. LOL.Er kidding.
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