I recall the last moon,
As I clutched to dear life,
Your melodic memory
Vivid thoughts replaying
Replaying
I found myself slipping far off,
into a state of peaceful slumber
for you were my cloud-nine
And all stars, uncountable
Uncountable
As I lay in sheets of cotton,
closed lids, a smirk of seduction
I take depth in my thoughts,
But utmost pleasure in my fantasies
Fantasies
My ears remember how you played
Sang me a soulful song,
Your numberous words,
Upon parchment of my mind, imprinted
Imprinted
Suddenly, nights of being
To now be without
Passionate patience i'll persist
And hide your harmonica under my pillow
Like the softest melody on the wind
A contest entry
- how many times can i break till i shatter. by innocence jaded.xx.
900 points, ended December 3, 2008, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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BEAUTIFUL YET SAD!!!!
Oh my, the sweetness of being with the one who has your heart and now alone, the patient yearning and remembering oh so sweet!
's
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Nicely built poetry, line upon line, taking us deeper, and plunging us into your images. Very good writing.
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This is really a good poem. Lot's of soft 's' words, which for me mimic whispered words. Very gentle, yep, works for me. Great stuff. sj
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whoops
forgot the clappies.
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Wow, this is amazinggg. I loved every word. It was so honest and real.
-I found myself slipping far off,
into a state of peaceful slumber
for you were my cloud-nine
And all stars, uncountable
...
I love how you phrased those lines. Your imagery is great, and the emotion is definitely there. Brilliant Keep it up & good luck ♥
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Stunning imagery. This seems so deeply felt - and why not - age has nothing to do with feeling and emotion. Please send me your text book when you write it! LOL But, you really have got a dazzling way with words....I am just sandbagged!
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outstanding
For someone who is 16 (and I know you are probably sick of hearing that) you have taken risks with poetic structure and diction that many adults are too timid to make. Keep writing and keep everything all in a folder or notebook . . . if this is what you are able to produce now, image what you will have a grasp on 10 years from now. Thank you for sharing . . .
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Unique Indeed!
Wow. I'm amazed. This poem is incredible. Especially considering your age. Most people seem to deep-fry this sort of poetry in emotion and image, whereas you have put in just the right amount of both. VERY beautifully written.
Also, I don't know if you intended it, but it's very interesting how the repeated words followed by the closing line make, "Replaying uncountable fantasies, impringted like the softest melody on the wind." VERY impressive. I'm stunned by the beauty and thought of it, and am simply at a loss for words.
This is definately one of the best poems I've read since I joined AP in November 2006. WELL DONE, and GOOD LUCK!!!! =D
Salaam (peace)!!
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Very unique.
My first impression is I liked the last word in the verses repeated it is the first time I have seen this but it seems to work very well. Emotionally I feel a depth of saddness that you have lost someone very dear to you. This is not awkward and there fore i would not change it. The title is perfect and the first line complimenst the title. The last line is very good. My favorite part is verse one.
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