there was something about
evening
air foreboding thick
incessant crickets
there is memory
without a face
“if it’s a good idea it will come back”
a tenet best left to optimists
the rain is too late
leaves have curled their edges
petals droop
although a few
shrunken pansies
still smile weak
weeks of facts and photos
the documentation of day-to-day
without a poem
surely last Friday’s moth
with orange and black underwings
deserved due diligence
yesterday’s cumulous dark with rain
thunderdrums and skyswatches of refracted light
lent themselves to lines
the wind yes
leaf rustle breeze
accompanies the calamity of crickets
even as the sun struggles to warm
A contest entry
- No Pretense by JustBe.
1107 points, ended October 13, 2007, 21 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Strong.
I have read quite a number of poems about writing poems, and I have very rarely come away with a strong sense of, "Gee, I'm glad I read that poem." So hard to squeeze feeling out of that topic. So ... like, damn, what an excellent poem. Interesting twists, no waste that I can find, and your ending is way, way cool. Having said what I've already said, I'm also impressed that this is written about something pretty original. Like your title, too. Have a trophy. -
This was beautiful, but at the same time, it hurt my heart!! The title alone is enough to make me cringe at a loss like that. &I've learned from experience that it's something only another writer would understand... something I think you expressed in the line about someone saying it will come back. Anyway... very well done.
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You always were so good at simplisty. A reflective piece that takes in imagery as you observe it that day.
I have a strange affinity for bugs, (though I don't like them to touch me lol) so the crickets appeal here. I also found myself agreeing with your sentiments about a good idea coming back... they don't really, that is an optimist talking.
The only thing I might mention is your use of 'week' and 'weak' in four lines of each other... I don't know. It doesn't seem to work for me. Maybe because they're far enough apart to be noticed more readily and it doesn't sound good with the repetition. Perhaps if it were closer together?
I don't know. I could just be tired.
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yeah, I know the feeling of losing something you've written. I like the way you arranged the lines. I especially enjoyed the last few stanzas.
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excellent jan...peace
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some great lines in this Jan... but it's the sounds this is making... the wind, the thunder, the crickets... it clicks and whirrs with life...
rustling underfoot .... me be liking this one alot
yes
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almost missed this one, so many people writing today i had to go way down on the list to find it and i'm glad i did, Jan this is really good throughout but the last line is killer...
al
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I've taken to writing them on stretched out rubber bands and giving them a twang into traffic on the way out of work
I know it doesn't do much except lose them, but hey..they're just a line or two at a time anyhow.
Also, I write poems in my head (hahaha..) on my smoke breaks. I should really write down my thoughts on The Dragon Lady. She's an interesting creature that one.
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