My heart is aching. My mind irritated. Where can I reveal my unexpressed.. I need release. I read and read and read alot tonight, different stories, poetry, facts of evolution lol just to find some inspiration to feel better about myself. To the people who havent known me very long I come accross very misinterpreted. To the people I have, they've lost connection with me.. a distant person I am known... but the reasons they believe probably couldnt compare to the truth. I can say I am how I act, I am how I am to be... just naturally. I continuely blamed my persona on the experiences of life up to age 23. I never had a perfect family or even just one person I could fully trust. I pretty much felt like an abandonedment with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I moved so much and lost touch with so many people, trusting only myself was the only visible option. Now if you were blood related to me, Im most postive a reaction would be I had it all, spoiled and loved like no other.. how could I go wrong? 'How could i go wrong' being the question unresolved.. where did I? What triggered these bottled up emotions I have of feeling inadequate and abandoned? Im not sure all the exact reasons but I know I haven't been on the right track to resolution. Nothing I've went through could be the worst struggle.. Everyone has a story to tell.. and to dwell for the outcome of failure? Rediculous! Inexcusable! BULLSHIT! I'm fed up with feeling sorry for myself and I'm tired of feeding myself excuses I know are for no good. Its all a useless timeline preventing me from moving on and stuck looking back. I really can't handle my lack of direction any more.. Its eating away of all thats good in me. Im no longer the sweet confindent inspiring soul Ive always thought to be, Ive darkened myself with disgust and hope... What is hope if hope is all hopes made of. Doesnt make sence right? So.. all in all from wasting time Ive only dug myself deeper.. deeper into dissappointment with myself. I ultimately dislike the point Im at in my life, feeling wayyy under accomplished and incompetent. My lack of direction has surfaced with lack of motivation and at this exact time I can say I know where I want to be, but still questioning if I can get there on my own.... a personal pushing assistant would be key.
To know I have it all in front of me, I have success in the making.. I have blessings to count and the most important, a child who looks up to me... My life is making me literally sick to my stomach. I don't want the world, just to be sufficient and happy. ---Always ending with questions--- Why isn't it so easy as it could seem
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