The gun has no bullets
Your mind has no refrain
The clock in the hall is ridiculous
Your friends are too, ridiculous
I'm sorry, I'm sorry to leave you
Bones, clothes, stories
There are birds black to wires
The sun has no color to blast
My whisper is clover and walnut
My footprint, an ape through the mud
An ocean of lies awaits us,
and the truth is lost in a but
But I love you
Forgive them, they have the money
Forgive them, they have the time
Forgive them, they have the silence
Forgive me, I haven't mine
And it went on like this for years
Until they proved the earth was not flat
So that nothing could go on forever.
A contest entry
- No Pretense by JustBe.
1107 points, ended October 13, 2007, 21 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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When Magellan sailed the ocean blue he did establish the undeniable fact that the earth is, in fact, round. This un-alienable write that the earth attributes to itself results in a spherical understanding of nature itself.
Therefore, my good man, according to our proposed theory it most certainly can go on forever, if you travel along the aforementioned circular route. Three cheers for our old boy Magellan, what a proper chap, what? Cheery oh mate!
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Although I have probably read this poem 50 times, I knew it would be really tough to top immediately. It appeals to me on many levels, and I'll briefly go into that. This is a very intelligently written piece. The tone is masterful, not a single word has been wasted, line breaks have been used to great effect, and though the last three lines are excellent, I have a really tough time deciding which stanza I like best. I think I might lean toward #3. More than any of that, though, the message of this poem (or what I take away from it, at least ... which I am having trouble articulating as I type this) is a very significant one that provokes thought - perhaps even for many readers who come away totally confused. I think the fact that it's hard to pin down a single concrete meaning is most definitely done on purpose, too.
The whole poem reads like a series of recursion sequences, and each is set off by a line break. Those same breaks at once create ambiguity of perspective and shift of perspective. The way I read this, human mortality/impermanence and the passage of time are referenced in turns, such that the "Remotely Detected Absurder" simultaneously speaks, is spoken of, and is spoken to (i.e. the reader is addressed directly), and that is just fascinating.
More to the point, since I'm quickly running out of time now, here's a fraction of my best shot (since the whole hog would fill several typed pages) at interpreting some of what this says:
We're all going to snuff it at some point (S1/S2), regardless of how much we might wish to play god (or king, or visionary), and the history of Mankind is full of (is, perhaps, defined by) tales about failed attempts and false claims. We forgive and forget our forebears and contemporaries along with their mistakes, and thus are doomed to repeat them (S3). I don't have time to fully explain why, because I need to get this contest judged, but I think the line about proving the world is flat is brilliant. A flat world has no third dimension, so it is possible to keep going in one direction indefinitely (do the same thing over and over - war, pollution, overpopulation ... choose your poison). The day we come full circle will be the day we either wipe ourselves out or finally learn our lesson. The fact that proving the world is not flat was a major historical event makes the line all the more pleasing.
I would really like to keep writing about this one, because I could do it for a long time, but I've got to keep going. This is a fabulous poem, and it had the yellow cup wrapped up awhile ago.
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Great critique. You're easilly one of the more well spoken people that I've had the pleasure of be-friending. Carry on Mc Physics.
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break the damn clock
time runs out for the best things in life
perhaps the world really is flat
perhaps it isn't really there at all...
(but then again, we probably aren't floating around through the cosmos on the backs of four elephants which in turn themselves are standing on the shell of a giant turtle)....
well... the world will only eat what they are fed ...........
"the clock in the hall is rediculous"
indeed my dear...
this is why i do not wear a watch..
you have a truely charming way of thought
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but i love you...that's like but wait i think your pretty!
you think that one day forever will end? AS in eternity? i think time has no end...there is no real begining...no real end..we are just here...this is a level one must achieve before going to the next..nice piece, great write. sometimes i think you words speak to me in tongues...but then again im to advanced for my own time...but shhh dont tell no one...
Write hard!
no applaud, how about a smile...with a glazed over look in my eye! -
I like your style of poetry. Its refreshing and unpretentious. Great work mate
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I was glad to see you posted again.
It's been a long time. But oh my goodness! lol I have read this lots of times since you posted it and I just can't figure it out. It sounds really good when I read it out loud but I'll be darned if I can make heads or tails of it. 
Even the title is weird. Remotely detected absurder. I was thinking that maybe that meant something like Barely noticed craziness or something. I don't know. I'm probably way off. The poem is kind of confusing too because the first two stanzas seem personal with you talking about someone's friends being ridiculous and then you're telling them that somehow in all the lies you lose how much you love them in the but. But then in the last two stanzas it sounds like it's a more general poem or maybe about society in general because of the 'they' talk. I don't know. I tried and tried but I finally gave up and thought I would come and ask you if you would tell me what it's about? I would love to know.
Oh! I wanted to tell you too that I just love that one part about the truth being lost in a but and then you turn and tell them in the next line that you love them. It's like you did it on purpose to emphasize the point that you love them. Like maybe you really wanted them to understand that no matter all the lies between you, you still really love them. And you know me and romantic stuff! I'm all about that. lol That was such a nice part. And are you going to write another love poem soon? You haven't written one of those in a really long time.
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very interesting. sounds cold yet apologetic.
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Your mind had no refrain. I would like to steal that, thank you.
Not as crazy about the ridiculous lines but I'm quite certain the serve a purpose, knowing you.
Bird black to the wires, I am stealing that. Thank you.
Can't yet wrap my head around the last three lines but will continue to ponder.
Good to read you, it is.
Lisa
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