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Twin Bed


A tablespoon scuffs the floor
of the coffee cup my
insides are resigned
to.

Giggling, speaking love
rust-stricken twin bed. In
an instant there is nothing
to-
A jackhammer breaks 
concrete cube and I am
squared up inside;

our
blood recoils,
embarrassed by the random vacation
and returns for
more vital organs.

Please tell me what you think

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  • TrinityMBS silver member
    September 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    okay I'm struggling to understand this one... I REALLY like the first stanza... not quite sure what it means but reading it makes me feel nice inside. Okay... the bed breaks right? and you laugh and then return to your love making?

    I like the idea a lot... the second stanza is a little choppy to me... "speaking love/rust-stricken twin bed" doesn't make sense to me... maybe speaking love *in a* rust-stricken twin bed... I love fragmented writing, but you have to know which words to eliminate- and you can't eliminate the essential sentance structure.

    In
    an instant there is nothing
    to-
    A jackhammer breaks

    I don't like this... I know what you're trying to do...

    Firstly, only change lines to help the reader speed up or slow down- if you want to reader to speed up change lines before a crucial word:

    In an instant, there is
    nothing

    The reader MUST hurry to the next line.

    To slow down, changes lines at the end of the thought.

    In an instant there is nothing.

    If you say it without the "to-" then you don't get the interrupted feel. But witht he "to-" you not only get the interrupted feel, but you actually interrupt the reader and it's hard to recover. Is there a way to interupt the poem without interupting the flow?

    Yes I think there is. What if you add enough syllables to finish the reader's rhythm, but don't let it me the end of the thought.

    Inan instant there is
    nothing- just lust,
    fog, and-
    A jackhammer breaks...


    That might help. I really like the last stanza but a little punctuation would help the reader keep the flow on the first read. (BTW "our" is one of those unnecessary words you can eliminate for the concise effect)

    *blood recoils, embarrassed by the
    random vacation,and returns for more
    vital organs. *

    Put the WHOLE stanza in one continuous line and then read it aloud... you will feel where it's good to switch lines. I think it sounds good like this...

    Hope that helped... great concept and I did love the first and last sentances!

    Stephi

    • ColourBlind
      September 12, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      i try not to comment on meaning but i will say that the confusion you felt was manipulated, if not intended.


      • TrinityMBS silver member
        September 12, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        well... okay... I guess it's going above my head then. I mean, confusion is okay, but the confusion here seems to disrupt the flow! Just my opinion, but there must be a way to convey confusion without actually BEING confusing...