derelict fevers-
into horizons unknown
stars meeting in hope.
Author notes
I hope this works re syllable count. Prompt given:
sick on a journey-
over parched fields
dreams wander on.
In a list
A contest entry
- Basho's echo by monkus.
950 points, ended September 19, 2007, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Hi Reenie! How are you? Hope you do not mind my critique on this 'ku. To start with, "derelict" is a rather uncommon English word and not all that simple just as haiku should have. I would suggest using a simpler word there. Secondly, haiku do not have a period at the end of L3. I'd suggest to remove that.
L3 uses personification - stars meeting in hope suggests something what you wish or hope for or think will happen because of what you have seen in the sky, i.e. stars meeting. I'd suggest re-working on this poem by stating what you observed rather than what you felt/thought.
Goodluck,
Charishma
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of course I do not mind your critique. I always appreciate a well meant one that helps me along. Unfortunately family circumstances are taking up a lot of my time right now......one of these days I will find the time to come back and try to rework it [if I remember]
but the tips given will be remembered for my next one. Thanks again and may this season be all that you wish it to be
reenie
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Thank you..I was afraid I may hurt you. I hope all your worries will ease soon.
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Thank you..I was afraid I may hurt you. I hope all your worries will ease soon.
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Thank you..I was afraid I may hurt you. I hope all your worries will ease soon.
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Thank you..I was afraid I may hurt you. I hope all your worries will ease soon.
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Nice job ...
on this one. Congrats on your trophy.
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syllable countis not really that important, just a little red herring in truth. nicely done, thank you
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hope is always the key reenie ,smile xx pp
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very nice, indeed....
hope is the foundation, the stepping stone, to attainment...of what the heart seeks...for without hope, all is naught.
Len
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Ties in well with the purpose of letting go forward...
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